Halloween Humor

Happy Halloween!!!!

Happy Halloween!

Do I really need a costume? Ain't I skeery enough?

The Kids Ate My Homework

I've been working like crazy to catch up on some of my assignments I was late for, get the ones currently due in on time, and get a jump on next week's work since I have a number of people and things competing for attention. Here are some excuses I am considering offering for the late work.

1. Some green stuff in the back of my fridge ate off my fingers when I tried to clean it out.

2. My kids thought the research paper was a doodle pad.

3. I was busy swinging from the chandelier and having wild jungle sex.

4. I was afraid the mildew in my shower stall might engulf me if I did not scrub it out.

5. Expedition to scale Mt. Laundry, lost in avalanche.

6. I was catatonic.

7. Working overtime at 'Mom's Taxi Service.'

8. My daughters were too busy downloading music for me to have access to the computer.

9. When they were done, my son had some Teutonic Warriors to kill off in 'Age of Empires.'

10. Then I had to catch up on my blogging.

Happy HNT!

Crimony! Last week Ken and Barbie. Now the Legos! I just can't turn my back for a second.

Happy HNT!

A Brief History Of The Bra

The first modern brassiere to receive a patent was one invented by a New York socialite named Mary Phelps Jacob in 1913.

A woman did this! I feel so betrayed!!!

Mary had just purchased a sheer evening gown for one of her social events. At that time, the only acceptable undergarment was a corset stiffened with whaleback bones. Mary found that the whalebones poked out visible around the plunging neckline and under the sheer fabric.

Ok – OUCH!!

An unhealthy and painful device designed to narrow an adult women's waist to 13, 12, 11 and even 10 or less inches, the corset is attributed to Catherine de Médicis, wife of King Henri II of France. She enforced a ban on thick waists at court attendance's (1550's) and started over 350 years of whalebones, steel rods and midriff torture.

Fun Fact – In 1917, The U.S. War Industries Board requests women to stop buying corsets to reduce the consumption of metal. Sources say up to 28,000 tons of metal was conserved through this effort - "enough to build two battleships."

And, I complain about underwire!!!! Holy Hell!!!

Mary Phelps Jacob was the first to patent an undergarment named 'Brassiere' derived from the old French word for 'upper arm'.

What ever happened to the term “over the shoulder boulder holder?”

And, I am pretty sure the French have a word for breast.

Her patent was for a device that was lightweight, soft and separated the breasts naturally.

Um…naturally, my breasts do not puff up close to my neck. Lightweight and soft – maybe. But it’s the last thing I put on my body before I leave the house and the first thing I take off when I get home.

Cruel Irony

Why do I still get pimples when there is so much grey in my hair?

Why did the mailman deliver a 'Pampers' sample and coupons the same day he delivered an AARP application? I don't need EITHER of those!

Why did the 'Sports Illustrated" swimsuit edition arrive on the same day as a Lane Bryant catalog? I don't look like the models but I am not up to Lane Bryant size either.

Weekend Quotes

Friday

2:15pm - "Um, I think we'd better up your dosage."
- Grace my therapist who was mildly disturbed by the giggles and twitching.

3:04pm - "Can we pleeeeeaaaaase go to Dunkin Donuts - I'm starving, I might die!"
- Vanessa my 7 year old who ate maybe 3 hours ago.

6:00ish pm - "But I want a tattoo!"
- Jessica, one of my 4 1/2 year olds after I noticed she colored on her legs with blue marker.

1:30am - "I wanna watch a kid's show!!!!!!!!!!!!"
- Julia, the other 4 1/2 year old when she woke up from her night terror.

Saturday

10:20am - "You don't look so good. Are you sure you should be here?."
- Susan my boss and very good friend seeing me after a week of pnenemonia.

10:23am - "Oh, I made you some homemade ziti with fresh basil, tomato and garlic."
- Susan my boss and very good friend who taught me how to cook and shake my thang and loves me sooooo much!"

1:30pm - " Mommy, can you put this song on your Ipod?"
- Vanessa, after hearing Cyndi Lauper's "She Bop" on the radio(thanks f'ing Kiss 108)."

4:45pm - "Do you know who you look like? That girl from Titanic... what's her name?"
- The adorable little salesgirl at the Lancome counter at Filene's. (My answer..."Kate Winslet, yeah, I've heard that before.") Note - I'm older, Kate Winslet looks like me!

5:00pm - "I am soooooo sorry!!"
- Me, after Jessica and Julia knocked over a mannequin at Filene's.

Sunday

10:15am - "Actually, I don't want pancakes for breakfast."
- Julia, about and hour and fifteen minutes after she had pancakes for breakfast.

7:00pm - "Mommy, she's putting her feet on my vagina!"
- Vanessa, while in the bathtub with Julia.

7:00pm - "Get your feet off your sister's vagina!"
- Me - responding to fresh children in the bathtub.

10:15pm - "Yeah, bright blue Gatorade was not a good idea."
- Me to my husband after Jessica projectile vomited across the light tan livingroom carpet.

Some New Friends for Ken and Barbie

Apparently, Ken, Barbie, G.I. Joe, and the more recent Bratz dolls are not enough!


CARACAS, Venezuela (Reuters) - Move over Ken and Barbie, the revolution is here.

Venezuela's President Hugo Chavez, whom critics accuse of trying to introduce communism in Venezuela, has been modeled into an action doll with his trademark red beret and distinctive mole, according to an online offer.

The 51-cm (20-inch) "revolutionary doll" costs $16 and gives soundbites from the talkative president, according to the offer posted on Internet shopping site and eBay partner MercadoLibre by a seller on Venezuela's Margarita Island.

"Great present for compatriots, birthdays, Christmas and surprises," reads the offer for the action figure, which says the doll comes in uniform or a revolutionary red jacket.

A spokeswoman at MercadoLibre could not give any sales figures for the doll.

Supporters of Chavez praise the former army officer for helping Venezuela's poor majority with social programs financed by oil revenues and his admirers in Caracas sell T-shirts, posters and watches printed with his face.

Opponents blast his self-styled revolution as a carbon-copy of the communist model of his ally Cuban leader Fidel Castro.


Maybe we are on to something here! I have a few suggestions to expand the line and make it a global success.

Fidel Castro doll: Complete with battle fatigues and a cigar. Unfortunately, due to the embargo, the cigar cannot be an authentic Cuban. When this doll wears out there will be no other ones to fill the void.

Mao Tse-tung doll: Accessories include a little red book. Optional poster making kit can be purchased so you can crank out enough posters to give to each of your friends and make sure his image ever present. Countless other nameless dolls in the collection can be lined up for a recreation of the Long March.

Pol Pot doll: Comes complete with a hillside of tiny skulls.

Kim Jong Il doll: Tiny glasses and hair gel are included to maintain that madman hairdo. Nuclear weapons sold separately.

Augusto Pinochet doll: Makes other dolls who oppose him simply disappear.

Papa Doc Duvalier doll: Comes with a contingent of Ton-ton Macoutes. Baby Doc sold separately.

Ferdinand and Imelda Marcos dolls: Allow your little girl to enjoy our dictator line. The Imelda doll comes with 10,000 sets of shoes AND a handy carrying case.

HNT In Bed

This is all the action going on around here!!

Have a Happy HNT!!!

To see Lime in all her Half-Nekkid splendor, hop on over to House Of Lime !



To play along, click this button and visit Osbasso!

Wednesday Morning

Last night I fell asleep in a giant beanbag chair in the living room. I woke up at 6:45am when Limelette #2 wandered into the living room and asked why I did not wake her. I also wake up feeling like a pipe cleaner that has been rearranged 98 different ways and will never quite be straight again no matter how you try to stretch it and straighten it. 6:45am......that means both Limelette #1 and #2 have missed their respective buses. Two minutes later while I am still trying to orient myself to being vertical, Limelette #1 storms out of her room demanding to know why no one woke her up. Understand that BOTH of these children have fully operational alarm clocks. Impressively, they are both ready to leave the house in 15 minutes.

I wake Limelet #3 and tell him to get in the shower while I drive the girls to school. It is 7:05am and I hear him turn on the water as I pull the door closed behind me. I get both girls to school in the nick of time to prevent having to go inside and sign tardy slips. I am in some smelly sweats I pulled out of the dirty laundry basket, my hair is on end and I have not brushed my teeth so I was glad not to have to face human beings other than my own kids. I return home at 7:30am and JUST hear the water in the shower turn off. Mind you, we are under drought restrictions.....

He comes out and dresses then emerges for breakfast. Both of these activities go reasonably well. All, we have left are putting on shoes, brushing teeth, and packing lunch. Teeth get brushed no problem and no the shoes. Someday I will figure out why the precise evenness of shoelaces is so critical for a child who stores all of his clothes, clean or dirty, on his floor. Will the earth cease to turn on its axis if the shoelaces are uneven? Will gravity cease to hold us to the ground? Will polarities be reversed? I don't know. Life comes to a screeching halt while Limelet #3 agonizes over shoelaces. (Yes, I have considered velcro shoes, he finds them an insult to his esthetic senses) The clock ticks away. Normally, he packs his own lunch. I am trying to get his lunch together because I desperately want to not drive a third child to school. I have no gas and no gas money I discovered during the first trip. As we finish packing his lunch I hear the brakes on his bus squeak and then the acceleration as it pulls away. DAMN!

Well, it is 30 minutes before he actualy has to be in class so I decide I will shower before I take him in. I go to my bedroom, click on the light. No light. I go to the hall closet for a new bulb. No bulbs. Ok, fine. I get in the shower. Ah, hot water, rinsing my stress away. I don't linger too long because I need to get the kid to school. Nonetheless, midway through the shower the hot water is gone. Freezing cold, I step from the shower and dry off quickly. I grab the moisturizer because my skin is terribly dry and if I don't slather head to foot I wind up with eczema. Halfway through the slathering I run out of moisturizer. No matter, I hear a bloodcurdling scream from the living room. Fearing the worst, I run out with a towel around me to find Limelet #3 screaming at the computer. He decided to edit a story he is working on and MSWord was not cooperating to his liking. Tip for the day, kiddo, back away from the computer when it irks you and do NOT shriek like that unless you are bleeding from the head or on fire. I finish dressing. We get in the car. I begin to wonder why the world is fuzzy and realize I forgot to put my contact lenses in. Good thing I know where I am going, odd I did not notice this when I drove the girls. I must have been on autopilot. Limelet #3 is safely deposited at school.

So now, if you see me squinting at you, twitching my head at odd angles, and scratching uncontrollably you'll understand.

How is your Wednesday?

Grocery Shopping

After 8 years of doing the grocery shopping, my husband has turned the job back over to me. Jump for joy now - ya know I am! I give to you a story I found that pretty much sums up the weekly experience.

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."

He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."

The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Jennifer... I'm Ellen."

What I Say/What They Hear

A little slice of chores and duties in Lime's world.

"Go clean your room." Kick the debris to the sides of the room or under your bed. Make sure there is some food mixed in with the debris so that in a few days there is a stench that requires Hazmat gear to remove.

"Take your dirty laundry to the laundry room." Hide dirty clothes under your bed, among the books on your shelf, stuffed in your closet. Spend much more time creatively hiding it than would be necessary to take it to the laundry room. Make sure your favorite outfit, which you have already worn 5 times and could walk to the laundry on its on, is tied up in a corner so it cannot rescue itself. When I have washed all the laundry I have been given, be sure to ask my why you have no clean socks or underwear.

"Put away your clean laundry." Take the neatly folded stacks of clean clothes I have just handed you and scatter them around your room. Next week, when I ask for dirty laundry, put them in your hamper and keep the cruddy clothes.

"Please clear the table after dinner." Carry ONLY your plate to the sink. Leave the silverware, napkins, cups, serving bowls and placemats on the table. Under no circumstances should you even consider wiping the table. Complain loudly and bitterly about the injustice of your life when I ask you to complete the job.

"Load the dishwasher." Scatter dirty dishes around the kitchen. Make sure only about 50% of them make it into the dishwasher. Just like with the laundry, expend much more energy hiding dirty dishes than just putting them where they belong. Throw the silverware in the garbage when you scrape the plates. Make sure at least one of the plates has a paper napkin still stuck to it when you load it.

"Sweep the floor." Rearrange the dirt. Do NOT even try to reach anything under the kitchen table.

"Put your shoes away." Please make sure every pair of shoes you own is scattered around the house. Make sure no shoe is with its mate. Become indignant when your mother has no idea where your sneakers are.

But I NEEEEEED It!

I've been sitting on this one a few days but it cracked me up when I googled my needs.

Michelle needs to visit one of those awful liberal indoctrination camps known as art museums.
Well, yes I happen to like them. They offer camps now?? Gosh, what should I pack? How long will I be gone?

Michelle needs to get the 2004 candidate names to Jeff so that the election may proceed.
Well Hells bells! No one told me this was my job! I certainly could have come up with better choices than Bush and Kerry! Pat Paulsen would be an improvement and he is dead!

Michelle needs 2 rare herbs to stay alive.
Do dark chocolate and milk chocolate count as herbs?

Michelle needs money so she can travel.
This goes without saying. Donations anyone? I also accept Visa, Mastercard, AMEX.....

Michelle needs to learn to be more careful with her voodoo.
Bah! Everyone else just needs to not incur my wrath........mwahahahahaha!!!!

Michelle needs a good man to care for her and tend to her as she deserves.
What woman in her right mind would argue with this? Feel free to submit an application.

I think the overwhelming majority of people I know already did this so I won't tag anyone. If you haven't and you decide to play along let me know so I can check yours out!

What Have I Done???

My girls want a pet. Really, really want a pet.

I'm allergic to cats, dogs and birds (feathers).

Mice, gerbils, hampsters and ferrets smell and we are just not doing that. No way are we getting a bunny because I feel terribly guilty about them being in cages unable to hop freely (yes, I have issues) and again, the smell.

Fish? Well, after Michael 1, 2, and 3 and Blueberry - let's just say, I cannot go through that again.

So, sticking with the insanity defense ( also, I really never thought little girls would go for it), I told them they could get newts.

Looney is as Looney Does

I stole this from Goody. It seemed more than appropriate for the Asylime!


Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.


Which Historical Lunatic Are You?


You are Joshua Abraham Norton, first and only Emperor of the United States of America!

Born in England sometime in the second decade of the nineteenth century, you carved a notable business career, in South Africa and later San Francisco, until an entry into the rice market wiped out your fortune in 1854. After this, you became quite different. The first sign of this came on September 17, 1859, when you expressed your dissatisfaction with the political situation in America by declaring yourself Norton I, Emperor of the USA. You remained as such, unchallenged, for twenty-one years.

Within a month you had decreed the dissolution of Congress. When this was largely ignored, you summoned all interested parties to discuss the matter in a music hall, and then summoned the army to quell the rebellious leaders in Washington. This did not work. Magnanimously, you decreed (eventually) that Congress could remain for the time being. However, you disbanded both major political parties in 1869, as well as instituting a fine of $25 for using the abominable nickname "Frisco" for your home city.

Your days consisted of parading around your domain - the San Francisco streets - in a uniform of royal blue with gold epaulettes. This was set off by a beaver hat and umbrella. You dispensed philosophy and inspected the state of sidewalks and the police with equal aplomb. You were a great ally of the maligned Chinese of the city, and once dispersed a riot by standing between the Chinese and their would-be assailants and reciting the Lord's Prayer quietly, head bowed.

Once arrested, you were swiftly pardoned by the Police Chief with all apologies, after which all policemen were ordered to salute you on the street. Your renown grew. Proprietors of respectable establishments fixed brass plaques to their walls proclaiming your patronage; musical and theatrical performances invariably reserved seats for you and your two dogs. (As an aside, you were a good friend of Mark Twain, who wrote an epitaph for one of your faithful hounds, Bummer.) The Census of 1870 listed your occupation as "Emperor".

The Board of Supervisors of San Francisco, upon noticing the slightly delapidated state of your attire, replaced it at their own expense. You responded graciously by granting a patent of nobility to each member. Your death, collapsing on the street on January 8, 1880, made front page news under the headline "Le Roi est Mort". Aside from what you had on your person, your possessions amounted to a single sovereign, a collection of walking sticks, an old sabre, your correspondence with Queen Victoria and 1,098,235 shares of stock in a worthless gold mine. Your funeral cortege was of 30,000 people and over two miles long.

The burial was marked by a total eclipse of the sun.

Well, at least I seem to be a beloved lunatic!

Antithetical HNT

My kids and I volunteer at a living historical farm. Last weekend was the big harvest festival. So here is me in my early 19th century Pennsylvania German farmgirl garb. I know, I know HNT is supposed to be about skin. (I told you I don't have a digital camera and if you think I am taking skin pictures on that so the skeezy Walmart photo guy can ogle me, yer nuts!) So the trick is to find the skin in this picture! I'll do better next week. Yes, I hear the boo-ing and the hissing......does it help any if I tell you the PA Germans were not too big on underwear back then? Happy HNT!

Happy Birthday to Hugh!

Both my daughters are fans of Hugh Jackman. They drool over him, moon over him, go completely gaga over him. I am proud at least that they have relatively good taste. Recently, while reading a fan magazine, one of them discovered that the adorable Hugh shares a birthday with me. We share not only the day but also the year. We all found this somewhat amusing and then Limelette #1 paused and asked, "If Hugh is exactly the same age as you, how come he looks so much younger?" Thanks, kiddo.

Happy birthday, Hugh! I've got some birthday kisses for you and I at least am an appropriate age for you!

Happy Birthday Lime!!!

Happy Birthday

Limey got a new blog for her birthday!!! Check it out!!

House Of Lime

What day is it?

Why is it that a Tuesday morning after a long weekend feels so much more brutal than the average Monday morning?

The alarm went off with some obnoxious pop song, worse than Sonny and Cher's "I Got You, Babe" in "Groundhog Day." I hit the snooze a dozen times I think. The gravitational pull of my mattress was unusually strong. I staggered out of bed in time to see Limelet #2 stagger out to the bus-stop. We mumbled something at each other. I think we got each other's names right.

Limelet #1 shuffled out to the kitchen to inform me that the breakfast she had just eaten was threatening to rapidly eject itself from her stomach. I handed her the barf bucket and reminded her of the need for a Zen-like unity until she felt better. Gaze into the bucket as the bucket gazes into you.

I heard Limelet #3's radio go off......loudly. He continued to sleep through it. I turned on his light and shook him. He finally escaped the gravitational pull of his pillow and mattress. He came reeling down the hallway like a drunk and fell into my chest. He half mumbled, half snored something unintelligible into my sweatshirt. I said, "Take a shower. It will help you wake up." as I oriented him towards the bathroom. I think he fell asleep in there and I fell asleep in the living room. He came out looking like a shrivelled white prune and there was nary a drop of hot water left. Given that putting on shoes seemed as herculean a task for him as if a thalidomide victim had been asked to crochet a lace table cloth and given that it was not 2 minutes before his bus arrived I told him, "Take your time. I'll drive you."

I also needed to get saltines and ginger ale for the sick kid so I may as well make life less stressful for the one who was regarding shoelaces as a great mystery of the universe. I dropped him at school and headed to the store. Looking in the rear view mirror I remembered that I had not showered or combed my hair or even brushed my teeth. I felt a comfortable freedom that reminded me I had not even put a bra on under my gigantic sweatshirt. Oh yeah, I was dressed to impress! I think the sweatpants that were 2 sizes too big used to be my brother-in-law's. At least the sexy (ha!) birkenstocks were the right size. Oh well. I slouched over the shopping cart as I tried to remember if there was anything else I needed. The girl who monitored me at the self-checkout had an expresion that seemed to say "I know the number of a good rehab facility" as she hovered over me. I think she wanted to clap and give me a sticker when I got done successfully.

Well, it's noon now. I think I will pretend to accomplish a thing or two. I just love the Tuesday after a long weekend. But at least tomorrow is humpday already!

It's Raining...Still

It's been raining in Massachusetts for about 5 days now. The first couple of days weren't so bad. Then on Saturday, I had to drive an hour to and from dance class - my van hydroplanes - it's not fun.

I get home in time for dinner - it's raining harder in Western Mass then it is near Boston. I change into my slippers and head down the basement to do laundry. I should not have changed my shoes. My basement was a giant system of streams and rivers.

Dammit - do I hate this place!!!

My grandfather (84)just called and is so worried about all the rain we're getting out here - I think he thinks we'll float away.

Homework

Just had to catch up on my own homework after that three day migraine. The assignment is due today. I sat down to begin reading. The phone rang. I sat down to read again. Someone was sick and could not find the medicine. I sat down to read. A neighbor kid knocked at the door. I sat down to read. I couldn't find my highlighter. Searched and found it. I sat down to read. The phone rang. Friends had their well pump break. Could they come take showers at our house? Yes, of course, you and your 5 kids can shower. Went to make the bathroom sorta kinda clean. I sat down to read. The husband asked for dinner. I moved my books to the kitchen. I put some food together. I tried to read in between stirrings. I fed the family. They complained about the menu. I cleaned up. I sat down to read. The friends arrived to begin showering. Two hours later they went home. I hustled my kids to bed. I sat down to read. I fell asleep a third of the way through Carl Sandburgs' "Early Moon." Today is a holiday so everyone is home. I am taking the phone off the hook. Everyone can live on peanut butter and jelly. I am hanging a sign that says not to bother me unless they are bleeding from the head or on fire. I am sitting down to read. Happy Monday, all!

books

books
Originally uploaded by tydyd1.

This is what I have to catch up on. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

migraine

migraine
Originally uploaded by tydyd1.

This is how I felt for the last 3 days.

A Little Dinner Conversation

Ok as a follow up to yesterday, here is a little story I know one of my friends has just been waiting for me to post. This little gem took place 2 years ago.

I've very open with my kids and dinner time is often the scene of some rather "interesting" discussions. One night my then 8 year old son announced over his mashed potatoes, "I call my little willy 'Freddy Jones'." We all giggled and asked why. He said it just seemed a good name for it. Ok, Freddy Jones it is.

Then the older girl, who was 12 at the time, informed us that she refers to her blossoming booblets as 'George and Herman.' I remarked that it was intriguing she chose male names and then she asked, "Well, Mom, what do you call yours?" I simply said, "The twins." She said, "Oh no Mom, you gotta call THEM 'Pride and Joy'!" Guffaws and grins and nods of agreement all around the table.

At this point the 10 year old, flat-as-a-boy sister piped up, "What about me? What about me? Mine need names too!" My son regarded her form and deadpanned......."Hope and Faith."

WARNING!!!

Breast Cancer Awareness HNT

boobs
Originally uploaded by tydyd1.

I don't have a digital camera so I have to rely on old stuff. My oldest daughter swiped the SLR on me one day and snapped this......the smart alec! Thought I'd use it since I saw Osbasso's call for the breast cancer bit. Ok ladies, check those hooters once a month, better yet have your partner do it for you! And if you are of age, get 'em mammogrammed. I've been both mammogrammed and biopsied. Right one has a one inch scar close to the armpit. All benign, all right, thankfully. You can do this girls. It's really not that bad. Trust me. If you need to work up to it, practice ahead of time by closing your boob in a refrigerator door!

Higher Education

I have a B.S. in special education. Three times I have gotten close to starting my Master's degree. Each time I made a concrete step in that direction I wound up pregnant and scuttled the plans. I've been taking undergrad classes in Library Science for the last 2 semesters to meet continuing education requirements and I am considering Master's work once again. Since the hubby joined the snip-snip club 6 years ago and it doesn't seem the urologist used slipknots I am thinking it might actually happen before I hit menopause. I've heard of some institutions of higher learning offering credit for real life experience to adults contemplating career change or looking for degrees in areas they already have experience with. I've kicked around a few thesis titles. Let me know if you are aware of anyone who would find these proposals aceptable.

THESIS TITLES
1. The Inverse Relationship between Juvenile Comprehension and Direct Parental Command: A Longitudinal Study in Selective Deafness
2. Chaos Theory: An Observation of the Entropic Properties of Children's Bedrooms
3. Motherheimers: A Statistical Examination of the Dementia-inducing Effects of Watching 'Barney' and 'Teletubbies'
4. Transmogrification of Cotton to Iron: A Peculiar Alchemy Corellating Missing Socks to a Proliferation of Wire Hangers
5. Culinary Cartographic Disorder: Efficacious Treatments for those Unable to Locate Food in a Fully Stocked Pantry or Refrigerator

The Laws Of Household Physics

Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:

1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.

2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.

3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.

4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.

5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.

6. Three children plus two cookies equals one big fight.

7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.

8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.

9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers or baths.

10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies.

11. Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to play with the same toy.

12. When children are all dressed up nice and neat - sauce, peanut butter or juice will find its way onto the clean clothing.

Scaling Mount Laundry

6:43 am
Dawn breaks over the summit as the expedition party wakes at the base of the mountain. There is an excited sorting throughout camp. After a gathering of resources and careful inventory, one intrepid laundress and her Sherpa guide will attempt to reach the peak today. Other members of the party will remain at the base camp.

7:00am
The path for ascent has been carefully mapped. Failure to follow it exactly could result in failure to reach the summit. The climbers face a myriad of perils even under optimal conditions. Avalanche under a stench of fermented clothes is a very real possibility. If the ascent is not timed properly a shortage of needed supplies will result; hot water, detergent, and dryer sheets are all carefully rationed commodities. Rumblings from the septic system provide an ominous reminder of past attempts that left failed climbing parties to descend in disgrace.

7:15am
Base camp is established at sheets and towels. Ascent begins. The climb is easy. There is an air of electric thrill......wait, it's just static cling.

8:15am
The laundress and the Sherpa quickly pass the first tier and easily transition from linens to denims. The terrain becomes more rugged but holds are still easy to find. A patch here or a belt loop there provide the necessary anchors.

9:24am
The first challenge comes when the climbing team must decide where to cleave the darks. During the planning and prior expeditions it was expected there would be a single tier to scale. The darks are deceptive though. From the ground the climb looks simple and clear cut. Once arriving at this level, the difficulties become more apparent. Prior attempts have been stymied by the arrogant assumption that this level could be taken quickly. The laundress and Sherpa will first ascend the greens, blacks and blues. Upon successful completion and a short break, they will carefully tackle reds and tie-dyes.

11:45am
Elation washes over the 2 climbers as they fold the last tie-dye t-shirt! They press on boldly through the wilds of lights and perma-press. The air begins to clear and they take a moment to regather strength before they require bottled air at the next level.

1:00pm
The pace has slowed. The septic field belches noxious fumes. The division of darks, though necessary, taxes the leeching ability. It is a cost that had to be paid. The septic fumes along with the thin air at the new level require the climbers to begin using bottled air. Here at whites, where sweat socks and underwear abound, the oxygen is as thin as the filth is thick. Climbers who have failed to use air masks have often been overcome. Delirium and even death have hampered the successful ascent of other explorers. Our climbers shall not be so unwise.

2:30pm
The final sock is matched. The summit is in view! Two small sections of delicates remain. At this altitude extreme care is necessary. A misstep could unravel the expedition like a cashmere sweater or a stocking with a snag.

3:35pm
The laundress and her fearless Sherpa guide stand atop the summit. They hoist a flag of bras, staking it firmly to dry in the fresh air that swirls around them. A sense of exhilaration and victory brings tears to their eyes as they survey the neatly folded piles of clean clothes. Not one sock has been lost, no stain remains.

4:00pm
Descent is rapid. Contact with base camp is re-established. Stacks of fresh clothes are distributed to team members. One voice from among the throng is raised and reaches the ears of the laundress.........."You didn't wash my favorite shirt!"

Got Tagged

Breazy tagged me to do that whole 23rd post 5th sentence thing. I haven't yet hit 23 of my own posts but if you count to the 23rd post on this blog and find the 5th sentence here is what you get.

Let me offer a few suggestions to pass the time and alleviate the frustration.

I won't tag anyone else since I am pretty sure the folks I know have already done this, but if there are readers here who haven't done this let's have at it. Let me know you are doing it. Thanks, Breazy!

Empty Nest

"Remember when your babies were completely dependent on you? It seems like yesterday. But now they’re on their own and you’re alone. No screaming kids, no messes to clean up — the silence is deafening. When children grow up and move out, many parents face an extreme sense of loss and change in identity. Being pro-active about the transition can move you toward acceptance of this new season of life. It’s a great time to rediscover your spouse. Exciting possibilities accompany the second half of life."

My little sister moved out of my parents house yesterday. This is the first time in almost 35 years that my parents have the place totally to themselves. I am very, very afraid!

Here are some suggestions for my mum and dad so that they do not kill each other:

1. Since my sis never seemed to vacuum her room - ever - they can spend quality time together cleaning.

2. Start a project to convert sis's bedroom into - a sewing room, artist studio, at home gym, yoga sanctuary, panic room - the possibilities are endless.

3. Sell this house - (Do you really need 4 bedrooms now?) get something smaller and buy a cottage near a lake. And a speed boat and jet skis and snow mobiles.

4. Travel the world - alone or together.

5. Take in borders - kind of like a bed and breakfast - without the breakfast.

6. Adopt new kids.

7. Two words - Hot Tub!!

8. Give dad assignment to turn said bedroom back into screened patio. (That'll keep him busy!)

9. Convert the room into a disco - make some money. Dad can learn how to deejay and scratch a disc. Mum can tend bar.

10. Turn the room into a love nest - hang vines from ceiling. Play - me tarzan, you jane. Oh, wait - BAD idea!!

11. Duel sensory deprivation chambers. You can completely tune each other out.

12. Start your own blogs.

Take a Deep Breath

I had to take my older daughter to the doctor this week. An hour after the appointment was actually scheduled we were finally seen. For the priviledge of sitting around for an hour before having 5 minutes with a medical professional and obtaining a diagnosis I had already correctly made I was charged $70. I could get really irritated by this or I could amuse myself. Let me offer a few suggestions to pass the time and alleviate the frustration.

1. Using the roll of paper that covers the table, design a fashion line to replace the paper gowns they give you. Feel free to use other items inthe exam room for accessorizing. "Dahling, you look smashing in that paper A-line! And the cotton ball jacket is to die for!"

2. Swipe a prescription pad. Draw pictures on each page so when the doctor flips them he/she gets an animated cartoon of what you have done in the exam room to pass the time.

3. Build a log cabin out of tongue depressors.

4. Sew a quilt from the gauze pads.

5. Create a replica of the Empire State Building from specimen cups. Use a throat swab to construct the spire at the top.

6. Take all the magazines from the waiting room that are older than a year and make rolled paper beads from the pages. String them around the room.

7. Wallpaper the exam room with the other magazines.

8. Take the diplomas off the wall and allow your child to use them as doodle paper.

9. Prepare an itemized bill for your interior design services. Make sure it is well in excess of any charge they could make to you.

10. Reset the scale to make everyone 15 lbs. lighter.

11. Blow up all the latex exam gloves like balloons. It gives the room such a festive look.

12. Have a fencing duel with a pair of crutches.

13. Make a new eye chart on the back of the old one. Make it say something snide.

14. Write your memoirs.

15. Hang a sign on the skeleton "How long did this guy have to wait?"