Insane Asylime

Friday, December 30, 2005

Here's to another year of complete
and total insanity!!

Happy New Year!!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

From The Files Of: You Little ....

Jessica, my youngest, has inherited smart ass wit and flawless delivery from both her father and I.

I learned this for sure about a week before Christmas. She was being very, very fresh and bratty.

So, as a parent and because people said it to me as a child, I told her, "If you don't stop being such a little brat, you are going to get coal for Christmas."

She looked up at me and without missing a beat replied, "Good, I like rocks."

Note: She is 4 1/2 and a twin - I am officially scared now.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

"Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected?"

"Yet, despite the look on my face, you are still talking."

"DANGER: mouth operates faster than brain."

And, for Damasta's birthday:

"Growing OLD is mandatory; growing UP is optional!"

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Hoping everybody enjoys the holidays!!

Merry Christmas!!

Friday, December 23, 2005

How to Pack a Stocking

I have been married for 17 years. For the last 17 years I've gotten to hear every single Christmas about how to correctly stuff a stocking. My mother-in-law swears up, down, and sideways there is only one right way to pack a stocking and I do NOT adhere to her standard. According to her, a stocking should be filled with socks, underwear, school supplies and toiletries. Each individual item, even a single pencil, should be wrapped before being stuffed (I am thinking she oughta be wrapped and stuffed, but I digress).

I, on the other hand, put an orange in the toe, an apple in the heel, then nuts on top, then candy, then whatever room is left gets fun little toys, or puzzles, or gadgets. Every year I hear about the inherent wrongness of my method and the superiority of hers. Sorry, I gotta do the fruit, nuts and candy thing. But over the years I have packed hers with toiletries, office supplies, etc, in an attempt to shut her her happy. But every year I hear about my great moral failing as a stocking stuffer.

Finally, I decided to skip the fruit and nuts and candy for her stocking. I got her a nice little 'Burt's Bees' toiletry pack, a set of pens and the mechanical pencils she likes for her crossword puzzles, and a pair of thick slipper socks. Each item was individually wrapped. This left underwear as the sole item she required for a perfectly stuffed stocking. After retreiving all the other items, she reached way into the toe of the stocking and pulled out a final tiny wrapped gift. Her face beamed in anticipation as she seemed hopeful that through years of incessant nagging I had finally been converted. Her fingers trembled as she ripped the paper away to reveal ...........

a gigantic fruit printed thong!

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

HNT Gifts

I am sorta confused by what Osbasso is proposing in lieu of HNT this week, maybe it is just because I am ODing on Christmas cookies. But since Snavy made me such nice brownies last week I am returning the favor and making her some cookies. Only thing is......that lil guy in the middle of the pan has some serious full-frontal, total nekkidness going on! I guess it is a good thing my cookie cutter was not anatomically correct


It seems we are to give gifts to people we either just met or would not ordinarily send a card or gift to or something like that so the other gifts I would give are:

Lecram gets whatever resources he needs to get all of his plays produced in a manner to his liking. He also gets to handpick all the actors, be they famous superstars or unknowns whose talent he is awed by.

The Blogger Who Shall Remain Nameless And Unlinked To gets a contingent of the biggest baddest bodyguards and the right to name the punishment to be meted out to the person who is making life miserable.

Seamus gets a much needed rest after his recent ordeal and the job of his dreams that allows him to follow his bliss.

Sherri gets a total spa package with makeover and new wardrobe, to combat the frumpy feelings. Then she gets a romantic getaway weekend with her hubby.

Happy HNT and Happy Holidays everyone!

Adventures in Orthodontia

Limelette #1 needed braces. We shopped around to find and orthodontist who does good work at a cheap price. We found one, but he is more than a little odd.

I figure he is in his late 40's or so. He is a tall, gangly guy who carries himself like he never quite outgrew that growth spurt stage teens go through when they are all out of proportion and don't know what to do with their bodies yet. He has sort of a dutchboy, plop an upside down bowl on your head and trim around it haircut. Judging by his wardrobe, I am thinking his mothr still lays out his clothes each night. Add to this a pair of HUUUUGE glasses, on a headband, that give him the look of an insect. But he is a nice guy, who does good work, and he is reasonably cheap.

It gets better. Know who Ben Stein is? Yes, of 'Win Ben Stein's Money.' Yes, Ben Stein who portrayed the coma-inducing teacher in 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off.' That Ben Stein. This orthodontist makes the teacher version of Ben Stein look like a poster child for ADHD. He speaks in a low monotone, sighs a lot, and seems to carry the weight of the world on his slumped shoulders. Did I mention he comes highly recommended due to his competence and cheapness?

We have been seeing Dr. Excitement monthly so he can monitor Limelette's progress BEFORE he ever puts braces on. Apparently she has slow teeth. By the way, Limelette can just barely keep her comments to herself each time we go. She is in the chair, he is checking her bite. He mumbles, 'HHmm, strong bite.' Poking the Limelette in the arm and keeping the same monotone he continues, 'Who'd guess such a skinny thing would have such a strong jaw.' and chases his remark with the very slightest smile eking out the corner of his mouth to indicate he is joking. Limelette, clearly annoyed, pokes him back and says, 'Shaddup, I'm strong. I could take you!' Dr. Excitement rolls his eyes and drones, 'Oh man, it's gonna be a loooong two years with you, kiddo.'

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

"It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you."

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether."

"You remind me of someone...
I didn't like them either."

And just for ME:

"You can't scare me ~ I have twins!"

Monday, December 19, 2005

Crazy but True

We got married in the middle of my junior year in college........the day after fall semester finals. We wanted to have time for a honeymoon during the semester break and did not want to wait until May.

During finals week I became a raving lunatic. I know you are all shocked beyond words now. Every time I tried to study I'd think about wedding plans. Every time I'd try to check up on last minute details I'd think how I should be studying.

My darling husband-to-be came to my apartment one night and found me in a wild frenzy. He said I should put away the books and planners, make some tea, put my feet up and he'd go rent us a movie so I could unwind. He asked what I wanted. I kissed him gratefully and said a light, fluffy comedy sounded just about right.

He came back a little while later and popped a movie into the VCR. What light, fluffy comedy did he rent to distract me from stress? The Killing Fields about the Khmer Rouge led genocide in Cambodia. At the end of the movie I burst out crying hysterically. He wondered what was wrong. I asked how he thought this was supposed to make me feel less stress. He thought if I saw someone with worse problems than me I'd feel better about my own stress. In between sobs I cried, 'No! Now I only have guilt about the plight of these people on top of my own stress!'

This weekend we marked 17 years. He at least knows the definition of a light, fluffy comedy now.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Friday, December 16, 2005

How to Drive a Mom Nuts in Two Easy Steps

1. Have an early dismissal from school due to threatening weather even though nothing is actually happening. No snow. No sleet or freezing rain. Not even regular rain.

2. Call a snow day for the next day without even waiting to see what the morning brings. Next day it is clear a delay would be MORE than sufficient.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Yummy HNT

I wanted to make something for my good friend Lime.
So, I thought about things she enjoys and came up with
books and chocolate.

Then, I made these!!!

Happy & Yummy HNT!!!!

To play along, click the button and visit Osbasso!

For more half-nekkidness, be sure to check out
House of Lime & Snav's World!!

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Overheard While Decorating the Tree

How can ya help but be in the Christmas spirit with comments like these?

1. Do I have to?
2. I hate trees in houses.
3. What's a pine tree got to do with Baby Jesus?
4. This is stupid.
5. Are we done yet?
6. Why on earth would you hang this ugly thing I made in 2nd grade?
7. That's MY ornament! Gimme it!
8. Who gets to hide the pickle? (ok, it's not as suggestive as you think.....Pennsylvania Germans hide a pickle ornament on the tree)
9. Do you want a tin icicle shoved up your nose?
10. We need more balls.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

"Catholic School girl gone bad!"

"I never get lost. People always tell me where to go."

"I have multiple personalities and none of them like you."

And for our hubby's:

"Don't make me poison your dinner."

Monday, December 12, 2005

What He Says/What He Means-Husband Edition


1. Please don't get me anything for Christmas. I really don't want to get you anything because I don't have the slightest idea what to get you and I can't be bothered to figure it out and I will feel guilty if you get me something when I have no intention of putting any effort into finding even a small token of affection for you.

2. Christmas is for the childen. See above.

3. Why are you sending cards to people? So, I see the greeting card companies are gonna make a buck off you this year. You've fallen into their trap. And stamps! For crying out loud, how much is this gonna run me in postage alone??

4. Are you baking this year? This is the one part of the holiday I like. Make me cookies so I can gorge myself. Don't you dare give even one of my favorite type of cookies away.

5. Are we decorating? I can't tell you how much I hate going to any of this bother. Do I really have to set up a tree?

6. Tree is up. I did my one duty, do not attmept to involve me in the hanging of any decorations on said tree. Do not ask me if I have any opinions on anything related to the tree in anyway. Just decorate it and leave me alone.

Friday, December 09, 2005

A Seasonal Tune

Limelet #3 shared this little gem with me.

To the tune of 'Jingle Bells'

Dashing through the snow
On a pair of broken skis
Oer the fields we go
Crashing into trees

The snow is turning red
I think I'm almost dead
Because now I'm in the hospital
With stitches in my head

O, Santa Claus, Santa Claus
Why are you so fat?
I was sitting peacefully
Now my house is flat

Santa Claus, Santa Claus
How much do you weigh?
You should go on Slim Fast
How do you fit in your sleigh

Crashing through the snow
On a rusted broken sleigh
Flying off of cliffs
Going the wrong way

Running in to rocks
Ramming other kids
Screaming for my mother
As down the hill I slid

repeat chorus

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Happy HNT!

Ok, so during ANOTHER study break last week, when I needed a snack I hit the fridge. Dang! Not much there. Another of the perils of procrastination....I get so consumed with the crisis-management I forget to deal with things like grocery shopping. Hence, I wind up with a half-nekkid fridge. Anyone for apple butter and veggie dip?

Happy HNT!


Now you can check why I should stick to the cottage cheese at House of Lime

Or you can check why Snav can have all the apple butter and veggie dip she wants.

To play along click here HNT Button

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Now In Assorted Colors

Just in time for the holiday season!!
I am sooooo getting the purple one!!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

"Shut up voices or I'll poke you with a Q-tip again."

"Mirror, mirror on the wall... What the @#&* happened?"

"Crazy enough for a post office job."

And for Susie's the Boss:

"A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say."

Monday, December 05, 2005

Woo Hoo!!


Oh yeah, that's me doing the 'Happy-I-turned-in-my-term-project-Dance!' Are ya sick of hearing about it yet? I know my family is.

Comments overheard during my week of accomplishing what I should have been doing all semester.

1. Tuna sandwiches for dinner again? Yes, Hobbes would be happy!

2. Mom, I'm gonna have about 12 schoolfriends over so we can smoke pot and have group sex. (Me squinting at the computer, not paying attention) Mm--hmm, ok, fine. Just keep the noise down.

3. (10 year old) Can you take me to my friend's house? Here are the car keys. Be back by dinner.

4. Can I play on the computer? My teeth bared, claws extended.....NO!!!!

5. Dear, this house is a mess. How soon will this project be done so you can start cleaning again? The hall closet contains all the cleaning supplies. The vacuum is inthe laundry room. The Surgeon General has not issued warnings regarding the dangers of male genitalia falling off if you use these items in the manner for which they were designed.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Happy HNT!

Why do I do this to myself? Will I never learn? I have a term project due Monday. The stack of books to the right also has to be reviewed by Monday. That basket of ironing I know has clothing in it I have not worn since August. I am SUCH a procrastinator and now I am paying the price. Sorry it means you get a dull HNT post. Just promise not to tell my kids I let the assignment go for so long.......Happy HNT!

If you want to play a long click the button.
HNT Button