Insane Asylime

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

"Pretending to have a career is hard work."

"If it weren't for you, I'd be a different person. Maybe even happy."

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

And, for Lime and her taters:

"The more things change, the more they remain insane."

Monday, January 30, 2006

Spuds Gone Bad

This is what happens when you combine a half a bag of potatoes that have been left to themselves in the pantry too long with one Lime that is either completely insane or has waaaaay too much time on her hands.


And if that isn't bad enough these terrible tubers started trying to harass poor Strawberry Shortcake.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Come Dancing

Vanessa brought home a flyer from school announcing a "Daddy-Daughter Dance."

Here is the conversation that followed:

V - "Daddy, can we go?"

D - "Sure we can go, I'll have to take the night off though."

V - "It's going to be so fun daddy. What kind of dance should we do?"

D - "What do you mean, what kind?"

V - "You know, a dance, like at the recital."

He looks at me with a very frightened expression and asks, "Does she mean like tap dancing?"

V - "No daddy, I don't like tap, I like jazz."

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Made up HNT

Can I wash my face now? Make-up makes me crazy!

If you need to know why I am dying to clean my face check House of Lime

If you need to learn how to play along click here HNT Button

Happy HNT!

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Overheard at the Dinner Table

A new marking period has started and so Limelette #1 has had some minor changes to her class schedule. One is that she now has a keyboarding class. She was informing us of the horrendous conditions under which she has to endure this unique form of cruel and unusual punishment.

I have this class with THREE other kids who have the collective IQ of a dishrag! I spent the whole period learning home row. I ALREADY KNOW HOME ROW! The teacher thinks I am a genius because I know where the ‘E’ key is! She wants to know why I am even in this class. I told her because my psycho irritant mother said I had to take it. Oh! And the teacher……Mrs. J…….the woman has a half frozen ocean up her nose and her hands are eternally covered in snot! She came over to check my keyboard and TOUCHED it with her snot covered hands. Then she asked me why I wasn’t typing anymore. I said ‘Duh! Your hands are covered in snot and now you just smeared them all over my keyboard!’ So she told me in her clogged-up, nasal whine, ‘Oh, let me get some disinfectant.’

By this time I was nearly snarfing spaghetti through my nose trying to control laughter. Mr. Lime snickered and said, ‘I need to tell my coworkers about this tomorrow. They all know about you and how acidic you are. They’ll love this’

‘What the heck does that mean??? What is acidic?’ she demanded. Mr. Lime said, “It means demeaning and rude.’

The child paused with an incredulous look on her face, shocked almost beyond words….almost. She asked with stunned innocence, ‘That was rude???’

I needed the Heimlich maneuver to remove the spaghetti from my throat after convulsing with laughter.

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

"I try to take it one day at a time. But sometimes several days attack me at once."

"I'd listen to you but ignoring you is so much easier."

"If you promise to stop talking, I promise to stop making funny faces."

And, just because:

"I'm trying to arrange my life so that i don't have to be present."

Monday, January 23, 2006

Death to the Duckie!

Dead Duck

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Poor Guy

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly...make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Adventures in Orthodontia #3: Do these braces make my gums look fat?

It was time for yet another visit to Dr. Excitement. Each time we go, there are bands on the braces that are changed and Limelette gets to choose the color. She picks something different every time.

Before Dr. Excitement removed the old bands he poked around inside Limelette's mouth. He strethced and pulled her lips and prodded at her gums the intoned in that Ben Stein voice we have all come to love, 'Gees, Her gums are really swollen. Look how fat they are. Come here......Look, fat gums! I dunno what we are gonna do about this.'

Once he pulled his fingers out of Limelette's mouth she snarled, 'Great, it's not bad enough I have to worry about a fat butt, now you tell me I have fat gums! This is stupid.'

Dr. Excitement rolled his eyes and asked which color bands Limelette wanted. She growled, 'Black.' I said, 'nice classic color, goes with everything.' As he applied the new black bands to her braces he wondered aloud,'What is it with women and black?'

Now I should not be surprised that this late 40-ish, lives with his mother, poinsettia collecting, bug-eyed glasses wearing, bowl haircut sporting, snappy thrift shop apparelled fellow had a few questions about the female psyche. And wanting to enlighten him I merely offered, 'Black is slimming.'

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

"333 - only half evil."

"Nobody knows the trouble I've been."

"Dance Class Rules: #1. The instructor is always right.
#2. If the instructor is wrong, refer to rule #1."

And, just for me because I feel like it:

"I'm not growing older, I'm growing better!"

Monday, January 16, 2006

Boredom Cures

Limelette#2 is complaining of boredom. Poor thing. Here are some of my suggestions for her.

1. Clean the bathroom. It's your chore for the day, anyway.

2. Finish the homework you never started, since it is due tomorrow.

3. Clean your room, since I haven't seen the floor in more time than I can recall.

4. Read some of the books you got for Christmas.

5. Listen to the iPod you got for Christmas (I am so envious! If you don't enjoy it I will be glad to relieve you of it! It would entertain me as long as the battery lasted.)

6. Bathe. You are getting a bit ripe even though you are only collecting dust since you have perfected thet whole 'adolescent flop' position.

7. Paint the living room. I've been wanting this done for 2 years.

8. Chop wood. We are having a cold snap. The woodstove and fireplace need filling.

9. Practice catching flies with chopsticks.

10. Learn Swahili.

11. Practice your oboe. You know, that $1500 instrument that requires $10 reeds every other week.

12. Whine about the unfairness of life. It's so much more fun than finding a productive thing to do.

Oddly, she wasn't interested in any of my suggestions.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

A Little Help Here

I'm sick.

All three girls are home sick for the second day in a row.

And, Mr. Snavy just came home sick from work.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

"Change is good. You go first."

"I wandered off from the tour."

"We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?"

And for Logo and Ariella:

"You're not the boss of me. My dog is."

Monday, January 09, 2006

What Kind of Mother..........

I am so blessed to have a teenager and an almost teenager. They keep me on the straight and narrow. I mean they might not survive to adulthood if I didn't have them to tell me how to be a mother. Here are some of the practices I've engaged in which have jeopardized their very existence.

What kind of mother........

1. Doesn't carry any tissues, aspirin, a spare $50 for her child's spur-of-the-moment entertainment desires, in her purse?

2. Doesn't even carry a purse in order to carry the aforementioned items? I mean really! What IS wrong with you, Mom?

3. Slams on the brakes to bring the car to a screeching halt causing near whiplash in her precious children? Did this child fail to mention that WW3 had broken out behind me as I drove?

4. Threatens to make her childen walk the rest of the way to a game/practice/social event if they don't come up with a truce in the backseat of the car?

5. Takes the child's bedroom door of its hinges because if she hears the door slammed one more time she will instead chop the door into splinters? Mom, this is a serious violation of privacy! How dare you!!

6. Fails to keep the house in perfect tidy order even though 4 people walk behind her and undo everything she does? Gees, Mom, this place is a wreck! What did you do all day?

7. Expects a child to actually ride on the school bus? You should be driving each of us, every day!

8. Expects the family to eat leftovers? Are we gonna get sick on this stuff? How long has it been in the fridge? Mom, don't you know people can die of food poisoning?

Like I said, I am glad the kids told me all this. Just imagine the chances I have been taking.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Adventures in Orthodontia #2: Dr. Excitement Strikes Back


This is the day the braces are finally put on. Dr. Excitement (complete with bowl haircut, thrift shop clothes, huge insect glasses and Ben-Stein-is-my-wildman-hero voice) ushered us into the torture with the dental chair and orthodontic implements. Here is how it went.

Limelette: Is this gonna take long?

Dr. E:(inserting gloved fingers in Limelette's mouth that Limelette says makes her want to vomit every time) Why? Where do you have to be?

L: (rolls eyes and considers biting, talking around fingers) Nowhere, I just wanna know.

Dr. E.: (standing up and turning to get gunk to take a mold of Limelette's teeth, sighing heavily) Sit down and relax. This will be fun.

L: Laughs heartily at his suggestion.

Dr. E.: So.....uh.....Mrs. we're in for more terrorism?

L: (Gets a 'WTF did he just say?' look on her face then tries to stifle laughter.)

Me: (burying my face in an ancient copy of 'Reader's Digest' to hide my own shock and amusement at this query, also stifling giggles) Well, um, yes. I suppose I'd be surprised if we'd seen the last of it.

Dr. E.: (his already depressed monotone takes on an even bleaker tone and he sighs even more heavily) Right........I figure next time they'll hit NYC with nukes...siiiiiiiiiigh...Then we'll get all the refugees fleeing out here...siiiiiiiiiiiigh...They'll poison us with their own radiation problems and we'll all die slow...painful deaths.

(Limelette is reclining in the chair with a clear plastic set of mouth spreader thingies contorting her face into a grotesque distended grimace that allows for zero ability to make any discernable verbalizations...remind me to ask if I can order one of these things, they are funny to look at and it might come in handy when I need her to be quiet!...His back is turned and after Dr. Excitement's last pronouncement Limelette is now convulsing as she tries to stifle guffaws. I can barely contain myself watching her and listening to him. Tears are falling down my cheeks at the absudity of it all. Limelette makes threatening hand motions to me every time I look at her.)

Dr. E: (turns around to sit down and begin working on Limelette, he brightens just a bit and sighs again) Personally.....I'd rather have the damn thing land right on my head.

Me:(stifling) Well, that would prevent a lot of needless suffering.

Non-ransom Note

Mr. Lime found this note earlier.


Thursday, January 05, 2006

Excuse Me ...

Dear Mr. Snavy,

The kids are at my moms.
I've decided to take a little "vacation." First, I will be heading to pick up Ms. Lime in the stretch Hummer I rented with your credit card. From there I will be making my way cross counrty to get Lily, Breazy, Blither, Damasta, Susie and Logo - if anyone else wants to tag along, there is room. We will then head somewhere very warm and sunny. No worries - you will buy me something nice in Mexico!


Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Adventures in Orthodontia Part 2: Dr. Excitement Strikes Back


The day has come for braces to be applied to teeth. Dr. Excitement (complete with upside-down bowl haircut, insect eye glasses, thrift shop wardrobe, slumping posture, and Ben-Stein-is my-wildman-hero voice) greets us and ushers us into the torture chamb……..exam room. Limelette sits in the chair and Dr. E. turns to prepare goo to get a mold of Limelette's teeth. Here is how the conversation went during the procedure.

Dr. E: Glad this heat finally broke.

Me: Yes, it's been a bit brutal.

Dr. E:(pressing the mold onto Limelette's teeth) What do you think? Been hot enough for ya?

Limelette:(nodding and rolling eyes) Mmmm-hhmm.

Dr. E:(turns to rinse the mold he has extricated from Limelette's mouth) So……….uh…….Mrs. L., do you, uh, think we may be in for some more terrorism?

Me:(looking at Limelette who has a 'wtf??' look on her face and pondering the unusual query myself) Well, I suppose I'd be surprised if nothing more occurred.

(Dr. E. turns around and inserts into Limelette's mouth some sort of huge clear plastic apparatus that pulls her lips away from her teeth and gums thus contorting her face in some bizarrely wide grimace. I am thinking I might need to invest in one of these because they are damn funny to look at AND they can silence the Limelette who is now trying to stick her tongue out at me as I snicker at the sight. This makes me laugh harder. Our laughter is interrupted by a very heavy sigh from Dr. E. who then gets up and turns his back again.)

Dr. E: Yes, next time……..siiiigh….I suppose they will use nuclear weapons.

(I bury my face in my magazine trying to hide the giggles as I convulse silently. Limelette throws up her hands to punctuate her exaggerated, though contorted, 'wtf??' expression.)

Dr. E: siiiigggh….Then we'll get the refugees from NYC out here………siiiiiiiiiiigh……They'll poison us with their own radiation problems…………siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh……………I'd sooner have the damn thing land right on my head than die the slow, painful death we'll all suffer.

Me:(desperately trying to stifle guffaws as Limelette waves menacingly at me) Well, it would certainly prevent a lot of needless suffering that way.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

"I'm lost but I'm making good time."

"I'm not bossy, I just know what you should be doing."

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."

And for my hubby who somehow got a snowday from work:

"If you're happy and you know it - GO AWAY!"

Monday, January 02, 2006

Back to School

After a week and a half of going to bed late, waking up late and pretty much getting to laze around in between it all I expect this is what my job will be like tomorrow when I have to wrangle the Limelets back to school.......