Insane Asylime

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Vocabulary Building


This weekend, since there was much sickness in the house, we watched a lot of movies. During one movie scene a particular character referred to another one as a 'pecker.' The entire family, save Limelet #3 giggled. Not wanting to miss any of the humor, my 10 year old son asked what was so funny.

I informed him that 'pecker' was slang for penis. He laughed, then paused and came back with, "So, that really makes 'woodpecker' a funny name for a bird."

I replied, "Yep, and even moreso when you consider that 'wood' is slang for an erection." He doubled over laughing. Mr. Lime became disgusted with the entire conversation and told me I was being inappropriate.

Gees, I didn't even get to cover the alternate meanings for 'bird.' I guess he'll have to learn that on the schoolbus.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

I Seem To Be

A Little Bit Odd

You may make the odd crazy decision in life, but on the whole you live by the sandard rules that society gives us. You are pretty much like most people. How boring.

How insane are you?

Friday, February 24, 2006

If it's TGIF why does it feel like a Monday?

There is not drop of milk in the house for cereal. There is only half a swallow of orange juice (and I feel about OJ the way most people feel about coffee, can't start the day without it). Mr. Lime is home sick. Limelet #3 slumped over the breakfast table bemoaning the torture that is school. Limelette #1 ran out the door with wet hair and shoelaces trailing behind her so she'd not miss her bus. Limelette #2 SLAMMED the door behind her, furious that I would make her take the bus. I have a boatlaod of schoolwork to do and need to go grocery shopping. I slept on the couch for two nights so Mr. Lime could sleep better but after that and 3 days of schlepping 2500 books around I am feeling like a pretzel. Blech........

Ok, rant done. We now return you to your regularly scheduled humor blog.

Here's a more positive perspective explained by my son when he was about 3.

Limelet #3 was very emphatic about being independant from a young age. He wanted to learn to do things on his own with no assistance. One day he was struggling to get his coat on. One arm was in a sleeve and he was flailing wildly and spinning like a dog chasing his tail trying to find the second sleeve. Knowing he preferred flying solo but seeing his difficulty, I asked gently, 'Do you want any help with that, buddy?' He continued flailing and spinning, 'Oof.....ugh......errk...mmpphh...No, but I'm glad I'm not an octopus.'

I can't argue with logic like that. So, in spite of the above rant, 'I'm glad I'm not an octopus' will be my mantra today. Dang, I am thinking I may have posted that anecdote before. Oh well, you all will survive even if I did.

Happy weekend all.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

"I childproofed the house... but they keep getting back in!"

"Support wildlife -- raise twins!"

"Mommy needs some alone time."

And, because I have a question:

"Who are these kids and why do they keep calling me mom?"

Monday, February 20, 2006

Snarky 101

Limelette #1 has registered for next year's classes. Among them she chose an elective: Public speaking, Rhetoric, and Debate.

Last year she encountered formal debating procedures for the first time in her English class. She was not excited about the opportunity at first but she dutifully prepared her arguments. The day of the debate came and when she returned home in the afternoon she exclaimed, "Wow! Turns out I am good at this debating thing! I slaughtered the other side. I said my bit, they said their bit, I ripped their bit to shreds, they stood there shuffling papers not knowing how to respond. I like this!" I arched a single eyebrow and asked at what point she expected me to be shocked by any of this.

At this point I feel it is only fair to warn next year's teacher.

To the Hapless Soul Teaching Debate,

Please be advised it is in your best interest to concede defeat now. Simply mark an A for Limelette in your gradebook. This is the child who came out of the chute 40 years old. Her first word was not 'Mama' or 'Dada.' It was an emphatic 'No!' Her favorite question is 'Why should I?' If she is not 100% convinced of the logic of any request you will have more success trying to tear down the Great Wall of China a brick at a time than ever getting her to budge in her resolve to ignore your request. You will not have any difficulty getting her to speak her mind. The difficulty will be in getting her to cease.

Please make sure her opponents are of strong constitution as she has been known to reduce grown men to tears. She is no respecter of persons and will hammer away relentlessly at inanity in any form until the source of such nonsense is sitting in a corner, rocking back and forth, begging for mercy. You have been warned.

Best of luck,
Mother Lime

Friday, February 17, 2006

The Limelette Doesn't Fall Far...

It has been suggested that my snarky Limlette#1 bears some similarity to a particular progenitor. I recoil in shock, "Moi????" Well, ok, maybe a little. Here's a story I offer up. You be the judge.

It is the first day of kindergarten for Lime. She excitedly climbs aboard the big yellow schoolbus and settles in between her two best buddies, who are old hat at this 'school thing.' They chatter away during the whole ride. Finally, they arrive at school. Sweet Little Lime scampers out of the bus expectantly and follows everyone into the school. The kindergartners are directed to their respective classes.

Sweet Little Lime meets Mrs. Moyer, her teacher, and is amazed by the beehive hairdo that could rival Marge Simpson's. The teacher's dress is also quite impressive with its swirls of psychedelic colors. Sweet Little Lime is stunned into silence. She enters her classroom finds where she is to deposit her things and sets about to exploring the room. She is only 4 but she can already read independantly and finds the selection of story books available appallingly inane. She hopes the teacher has the 'good books' in safe keeping somewhere else.

Mrs. Moyer announces it is time to sit down because the principal will be coming to meet us all and welcome us. This sounds mildly interesting. Sweet Little Lime takes her seat and watches a short, bald guy with a baggy suit enter the room. In the whiniest, most nasal voice Lime has ever heard, the principal welcomes the kindergarteners, 'Good morning, kindergarten, welcome to school. Blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah....... (on and on and on and on for what seems like an eternity. even the teacher is shuffling her feet and looking around the room, not very interested. Many classmates have begun to whisper and chatter among themselves.) Blahblahblahblahblahblah......And one of the things we will learn in kindergarten is when it is time to be quiet, because some of us here have big mouths and need to learn when to quiet them.'

Sweet Little Lime recognizes this as the time when her astute observational skills coupled with her good verbal expression may be most appreciated. She raises her hand like a good little Lime and waits to be called on before she announces proudly, 'And we know who has the BIGGEST mouth of all!'

And thus ends the story of how Sweet Little Lime had a note home to her parents on the first day of kindergarten.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

The Definition of Snarky

* I typed this up last week a couple days before the blizzard hit

Snarky (adj.) Easily irritated or annoyed, irascible, given to making snide comments.
see also Limelette #1

Limelette #1 (proper noun) 15 year old daughter of Lime. Known for tormenting orthodontists, critiquing all authority, and generally fulfilling the 'Mother's curse' (I hope you have one just like you).

Today's example of snarkiness came in her commentary regarding the boneheaded decision of certain school officials to issue a two hour delay for school due to 'snow.' I use the term 'snow' lightly.

It is 5:30 am, the radio DJ has just announced the delay. I tiptoe around to turn off alarm clocks before they wake children because although the children require the auditory equivalent of a jet plane engine coupled with the sheer force of a crane to rouse them from their beds on a normal morning, on a snow day the slightest whisper wakes them. A floorboard creaks underfoot as Limelette#1's room is entered and she wakes. Mr. Lime tells her to go back to sleep because there is a delay. She gets out of bed anyway and looks out of the window and declares...

'They call that snow??!! It's not snowing! It's not even flurries! Gees, it's...I's flaking! A flake here, a flake there. For crying out loud, I could go out there and LICK UP all the snow! What idiot called a delay??!!'

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

"It's Better To Have Loved & Lost Than To Live With A Psycho The Rest Of Your Life."

"I could love somebody like you ... just NOT you."

"Love stinks ... or is that just you?"

And, a special Valentine for all:

"1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d 2 g37 l41d."

Happy Valentine's Day!!
Love ~ The Inmates

Monday, February 13, 2006

Get Ready, Here I Come


Friday, February 10, 2006

Tell me what you think of this:

I go to the doctor today - the head doc and she says, "Let's try some mood enhancers."

I'm all, "Ok!!"

Then she says, "But, if you develop a rash that looks like ebola, get right to the emergency room." And adds, "Immediately, because it could be life threatening."

Little voice in my head says, "Sound like fun - sign me up!!"

Note: On the flip side there is no weight gain or sexual side effects so it all kinda evens out in the end.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

News Flash

I am not magical.
I cannot time travel.
I do not have ESP.

I do not have the ability to undo things.
I cannot make Jessica undigest the apple you wanted to eat.
I cannot unrip the homework Julia ruined.
I had no idea you did not want the Cheerios you asked for 2 hours ago.
I can not materialize the things you want RIGHT NOW.
I can not turn your green shirt purple.
I can not turn Vanessa's size 8 dress into a size 5 this very second.

I am but a mere mortal and I have limited abilities. Now back to your regularly scheduled program.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Zen and the Art of Stomch Flu Endurance


My child, gaze into the bucket as the bucket gazes into you.

My kids were all trained at an early age not to stray from the bucket until they are well. Limelette #1 has been fighting the bug all week and I am just waiting for the next one to succumb. But, I was reminded of my son's ability to maintain a sense of humor even as he prayed to the porcelain god. He was 8 and he was walking down the hall towards the bathroom with me following, bucket under his chin....step, puke, step, to the bathroom and continued his purge into the toilet. When he was done I helped him clean up and praised his ability not to spill the hurl. He looked up at me weakly, pulled a crumpled dixie cup from his shirt pocket and deadpanned a la Garth in Wayne's World, 'If yer gonna spew, spew into this.' He beamed with pride when I split a gut laughing.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

(courtesy of Damasta)

"Here's a little hint - I don't care!"

"Have you seen my marbles?"

"School prepares you for the real world but I want the fake world."

And, for Lily who is taking care of sick people this week:

"You don't scare me... I'm a NURSE!"

Monday, February 06, 2006

Big Friggin Whoop-de-doo!

FOOTBALL as defined by Lime
Unnaturally large men in pads and spandex crashing into each other and chasing an improperly shaped ball while unnaturally buxom women with unnaturally small waists in impossibly small outfits jump up and down in excitement over the aforementioned men and their balls.

SUPERBOWL as defined by Lime
A media event during which large corporations pay scam artist marketers obscene amounts of money to cook up lies about their products and services and then spend more than the GDP of some third world nations for 60 seconds of airtime to perpetrate such fraud on the watching public.

If I have to endure this absurd event there better be some really fine chocolate involved and all the testosterone flowing better result in some damn fine marital conjugation later on.

We were invited to 3 different Superbowl parties. After much discussion we mutually agreed upon one of them. Even so, about an hour before kickoff, Limelette #2 was going to need to be dropped off elsewhere. We went to the mututally agreed upon party. Mr. Lime then took the Limelette to her party a couple hours later AND FAILED TO RETURN to the mutually agreed upon party. I was stranded in a smoke filled environment, had to track him down (he had decided to go to one of the other parties we had been invited to........very naughty names for Mr. Lime are springing to mind). He had the audacity to be annoyed when I asked him to come pick me up and take me home ( I was only having an asthma attack due to the thick cloud of cigarette and cigar smoke). If he wants to make this up to me then he had better be willing to send me here and help me achieve multiple orgasms every night for a month. I will accept a proxy of my choosing in his stead should he prefer not to fulfill conjugal obligations.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Getting A Clue - 101



Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide
Meets! 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at
7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat
and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The
Floor --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The
Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The
Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises,
Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at
7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays,
Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're
Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

HNT Make-up

After last week when Lime actually put make-up on, Lime and Snavy thought they'd show their respective make-up collections......Nekkid make-up bags, so to speak.

Snavy's make-up

Lime's make-up

In the immortal words of Porky Pig.........'That's all folks!'

Happy HNT!