Insane Asylime

Monday, October 03, 2005

Scaling Mount Laundry

6:43 am
Dawn breaks over the summit as the expedition party wakes at the base of the mountain. There is an excited sorting throughout camp. After a gathering of resources and careful inventory, one intrepid laundress and her Sherpa guide will attempt to reach the peak today. Other members of the party will remain at the base camp.

7:00am
The path for ascent has been carefully mapped. Failure to follow it exactly could result in failure to reach the summit. The climbers face a myriad of perils even under optimal conditions. Avalanche under a stench of fermented clothes is a very real possibility. If the ascent is not timed properly a shortage of needed supplies will result; hot water, detergent, and dryer sheets are all carefully rationed commodities. Rumblings from the septic system provide an ominous reminder of past attempts that left failed climbing parties to descend in disgrace.

7:15am
Base camp is established at sheets and towels. Ascent begins. The climb is easy. There is an air of electric thrill......wait, it's just static cling.

8:15am
The laundress and the Sherpa quickly pass the first tier and easily transition from linens to denims. The terrain becomes more rugged but holds are still easy to find. A patch here or a belt loop there provide the necessary anchors.

9:24am
The first challenge comes when the climbing team must decide where to cleave the darks. During the planning and prior expeditions it was expected there would be a single tier to scale. The darks are deceptive though. From the ground the climb looks simple and clear cut. Once arriving at this level, the difficulties become more apparent. Prior attempts have been stymied by the arrogant assumption that this level could be taken quickly. The laundress and Sherpa will first ascend the greens, blacks and blues. Upon successful completion and a short break, they will carefully tackle reds and tie-dyes.

11:45am
Elation washes over the 2 climbers as they fold the last tie-dye t-shirt! They press on boldly through the wilds of lights and perma-press. The air begins to clear and they take a moment to regather strength before they require bottled air at the next level.

1:00pm
The pace has slowed. The septic field belches noxious fumes. The division of darks, though necessary, taxes the leeching ability. It is a cost that had to be paid. The septic fumes along with the thin air at the new level require the climbers to begin using bottled air. Here at whites, where sweat socks and underwear abound, the oxygen is as thin as the filth is thick. Climbers who have failed to use air masks have often been overcome. Delirium and even death have hampered the successful ascent of other explorers. Our climbers shall not be so unwise.

2:30pm
The final sock is matched. The summit is in view! Two small sections of delicates remain. At this altitude extreme care is necessary. A misstep could unravel the expedition like a cashmere sweater or a stocking with a snag.

3:35pm
The laundress and her fearless Sherpa guide stand atop the summit. They hoist a flag of bras, staking it firmly to dry in the fresh air that swirls around them. A sense of exhilaration and victory brings tears to their eyes as they survey the neatly folded piles of clean clothes. Not one sock has been lost, no stain remains.

4:00pm
Descent is rapid. Contact with base camp is re-established. Stacks of fresh clothes are distributed to team members. One voice from among the throng is raised and reaches the ears of the laundress.........."You didn't wash my favorite shirt!"

18 Comments:

  • LMAO!! I've made the climb and survived!! I plan to go back later this week!!

    By Blogger snavy, at 8:50 AM  

  • I climbed a little yesterday and I am determined to finish the last little bit today ! LOL!

    By Blogger Breazy, at 9:12 AM  

  • I want to be one of those people who pays people to carry her to the top.
    I have a shiny new nickel here for any willing parties!!
    Oh, and the dusting doesn't seem to be doing itself either.
    What's with that??

    By Anonymous logo, at 10:49 AM  

  • You people have it all wrong, move to the Amazon basin and go native, all the laundry mountains will disappear

    By Blogger The Village Idiot, at 11:49 AM  

  • logo, a nickel? you gotta be kidding me?? as for the dust......i find that to be a protective covering for furniture.

    mantra, i like that idea except for the giant tarantullas and mosquitoes that could carry off small children.

    By Blogger lime, at 12:16 PM  

  • That's a hilarious way to put it. I climbed on Saturday.

    By Blogger bsoholic, at 12:28 PM  

  • You people have no idea....for the past 25 years, I have been climbing at the laundromat base camp....battling competitive climbers who are after MY footholds, (dryers)....who bring their children to the mountain and allow them to steal the ..uhh crampons and food rations...(baskets and hangers).....I want the award for enduring 25 years of mountain climbing in public!
    Lime, you are so funny, I love you!

    By Blogger barefoot_mistress, at 12:33 PM  

  • Notice the male commenter here is married and has a wife to scale his mountains of smelly lycra...try riding your bike like they do in the Amazon mister! :P

    By Blogger barefoot_mistress, at 12:34 PM  

  • Ok, first let me just slap this big shiny medal on barefoot.
    "Well done!!(Come here, shake my hand and turn at an angle and smile at the photographer, good job, move along now.)"
    Lime, if I decorate for you, will you dust for me?

    By Anonymous logo, at 1:33 PM  

  • bonus points to bs for doing his own laundry. aastute observation toots. logo, dear.....not a chance in hell, much as i love you, lol

    By Blogger lime, at 2:08 PM  

  • logo, oh wait, i thought that said, 'decorate ME' as in give me a medal like you gave bare......hhmm, i am thinking.....

    By Blogger lime, at 2:10 PM  

  • ha. i commented on the wrong post. check the post before this one to find my comment.

    oopsie.

    i must still be drunk.

    By Blogger DaMasta, at 3:35 PM  

  • Thanks Lime, I was wondering if barefoot thought I was a female or something....

    I actually did my girlfriends laundry too. No kidding. :O

    By Blogger bsoholic, at 4:53 PM  

  • I hereby award the "whoopdy ding dong doo" laundry award to BS, for doing not only his own laundry but also that of another. The same task ALLLLLL of WOMAMKIND has performed for centuries without thanks or assistance. SOME under extremely adverse conditions, but, bear in mind, he did perform this feat while in possession of external genitalia.
    :-P
    Good on ya, BS, the nurse hooked a great one! Just had to give you a ration...since I could

    By Anonymous logo, at 5:12 PM  

  • ok, i think we can all agree logo has some pent up hostility and unreslved issues! down girl!

    By Blogger lime, at 5:46 PM  

  • That's awesome! You almost make laundry fun. Almost. LOL. Great post.

    By Anonymous Colleen, at 6:08 PM  

  • I hate the laundry,
    I want BS to do my laundry.
    But I already get out of the dishes, the cooking, and the grocery shopping...
    I am stuck with the laundry
    :-P
    Are you sure a nickel isn't enough?

    By Anonymous logo, at 6:12 PM  

  • ty damasta and colleen! logo, i am QUITE sure a nickel ain't enough

    By Blogger lime, at 9:14 PM  

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