Insane Asylime

Friday, April 28, 2006

You have got to be freaking kidding me??

I just paid $50.00 to fill my mom-mobile!!!!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

Today's t-shirt is presented by the devastatingly delicious Damasta!!

Monday, April 24, 2006

The Story

Here are a few alternative stories for how I broke my arm.
  • I was scuba diving off the Great Barrier Reef when attacked by a 12 ft great white shark. After it bit my left arm I poked out its eyes with my right, killed it with a knife I had strapped to my leg, and dragged it back to shore for a feast.
  • I had to stop a runaway train from smashing into a carload of orphans which had stalled on the tracks. The arm was a small price to pay for saving them.
  • Really rough sex. If you think my arm is bad you should see my partner.
  • I picked a fight with Chuck Norris. Yeah, I have my limitations. He whupped my ass.
  • I was the stunt double for Harrison Ford when the stone wall crashes down just after he retrieves his hat. The set designers had not worked out all the kinks yet.
  • I was the stunt double for Harrison Ford when he dangles out the back of Airforce One at 30,000 ft. Again, someone on the set is out to get me.
  • I was hunting grizzlies and got caught in a steel jaw trap. I pried it open with my teeth and hiked 10 miles to the nearest road.

Well, the drugs sure do make for grand hallucinations don't they?

Friday, April 21, 2006

The Problem

See, we're actually not that big a part of the problem...

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

Today's t-shirt is presented by the pulchritudinous Logo.
To find out more about her and why we love her so, go see her at It Really Is A Dog's Life where you can take a fun Trivia Quiz and learn all about boys and their equipment.

Also, check out her loving concern for us all over here.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Death & Taxes

A newly deceased man, David, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. David decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.

So off he goes with an ugly, stupid woman, while he pretends to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Steve up ahead - with an even uglier woman. When he asks what's going on, Steve
replies, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money." They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

David, Steve, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Don up ahead. He is with an absolutely gorgeous woman who looks like a supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, David and Steve approach the man and discover that it is their friend Don. They ask him how he got this unbelievable goddess, while they're stuck with these God-awful women.

Don replies, "I have no idea, but I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have had five years of the best sex any man could hope to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. Everytime we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes!"

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Height Chart

height chart

-I dare not go without a bra unless I want two black eyes, whiplash, and bruised hips.

-When I lay on my back my breasts disappear into my armpits. It's like the parting of the red sea. And for my next magical trick...

-To the tune of 'Do your Ears Hang Low'
Do your boobs hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can ya tie 'em in a knot?
Can ya tie 'em in a bow?
Can ya throw 'em over your shoulder like a Continental soldier?
Do your ears hang low?

-My breasts are racing each other to see which one can reach my knees first.

-I am past the mere need of underwire, onto hydraulics!

Friday, April 07, 2006

This Is Crazy

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and
make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
right hand.

Could you???

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Looking into the Crystal Ball

At dinner, one of the Limelettes asked to borrow some money. I asked what had happened to the babysitting money she had earned not long ago. She told me she had spent it all. I suggested perhaps a bit of discipline and learning to save a bit would be wise.

At this point, Limelet #3 chimed in and announced he had $48 of birthday money in his wallet. Keep in mind his birthday was in September. I commented enthusiusastically that he'd never be in debt if he keept being able to save money like that.

It was more than Limelette #1 could bear and she retorted, 'Yeah, that's because he'll decide to live in a one room apartment with a lawn chair and bathe in the sink at the gas station!'