Insane Asylime

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

My Nefarious Plan Is Working!

Limelette #1 is nearly 15 and has quite a list of complaints about how I have ruined her day/night/life.

I have done so by:

1. Requiring that her dirty clothes be dragged all the way to the laundry room if she wants me to wash them.
'Why do I have to do that? Can't you sort through all this mess on the floor?' No dear, not without Hazmat gear.

2. Expecting her to actually carry her clean laundry to her room and put it away in the appropriate drawers after I folded it for her.
'You know, Mom, I just want to go to bed. This is ridiculous.' Yes, I am sure an afternoon of IMing your friends, talking on the phone, and watching TV has been simply exhausting!

3. Having the audacity to interupt her TV watching to remind her the floor is not a drawer for clean clothes.
She has only seen this 'Bonanza' episode 23 times. If she misses it the 24th it might turn out differently!

4. Asking her to set the table for dinner.
This is so utterly beneath her. So common. Don't we have younger siblings who could do such menial tasks?

5. Expecting that the utensils, napkins and plates will not be haphazardly tossed on the table.
We are all so unworthy of this attention to detail and expecting it is just so burdensome and excessive.

6. Reminding her to carry her own used place setting to the sink.
Clearly I am unaware of how disgusting a used place setting is, otherwise I would never ask her to carry one to the sink, even her own.

7. Planning some extra study time with a tutor after she failed algebra.
'I can figure this out on my own, Mom! I'm not stupid!' No, sweetie you're not stupid, but if y=4, how are you coming up with 2y=6? Figuring it on your own is clearly not working.

8. Wanting her to wear a winter coat when it is 30 degrees Fahrenheit.
What insane mother would expect her child to ruin, with a coat, the smart fashion statement of blue lips and goosebumps? What madwoman would go so far as to expect a child to zipper the coat too? Next I'll ask her to wear gloves! Frostbite is so avant garde and I am ruining it all!

9. Expecting her to get to bed before midnight, given she has to be at the bus-stop by 6:30am.
Bags under the eyes and a catatonic look, along with dishevelled hair are apparently de rigeur accessorizing for the blue lips, goosebumps, and frostbite mentioned above. I'm sure it helps algebraic formulae to be well received by the grey matter too.

10. Not permitting her to subsist on Twinkies, ice cream, chocolate, and Tostitos. Expecting the occasional fruit or vegetable to cross her lips.
Her blood junk food levels will obviously dip to precipitous numbers. She may actually have functioning arteries by the age of 30 if I continue to force wholesome food on her. I am so unreasonable.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

"Embarrassing my children; just one more service I offer."

"They say I have A.D.D. but the just don't understand. Oh look! A chicken!"

"On the journey of life, I chose the psycho path."

And for The Village Idiot:

"I'm not bald - heavy thinking burned my hair off."

Monday, November 28, 2005

When Can I Date?

Limelette #1 will be 15 in a couple of weeks and on Friday she asked me how soon she can date. I have to admit to being surprised by my own strong reaction to this. I thought I'd be more ready than I am. How I'd like to respond.......

1. When hell freezes over.
2. When you have completed a PhD.
3. When I am too senile to know the difference.
4. As soon as the chastity belt has been fitted.
5. Once I have arranged your marriage you may date your intended.
6. All dates may take place only after a month of failing to bathe, brush your teeth, or comb your hair.
7. When your prospective dates complete a lengthy application process, provide DNA samples, and pass federal security checks.
8. Once you spin this bale of straw into gold.
9. When you have memorized and can recite the Oxford English Dictionary.
10. Once I have secured a large stockpile of Valium and Prozac for my own use.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Half Nekkid Thanksgiving

Happy HNT!!!

The residents of the Insane Asylime would like
to wish everyone a very happy and safe Thanksgiving!
Now, someone get me a knife!!!


To play along, click on this button and visit Osbasso.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Looky What We Got!!!

Image hosted by

And, you can have it too!

(a href="")(img src="" alt="Image hosted by")(/a)

Just change the () to <>'s!!

Thank You BS - We Heart You!!

A Satisfied Customer

Image hosted by

Before I* found the BS/BULL Button my life was in ruins. I had bad skin, a poor appetite, yellow teeth, and simple, chronic halitosis. I was listless. I pooped out at parties. I had low self-esteem and bad posture. My feet stank and the corns and callouses were thick.

I spent hours slaving away at housework. I had dishpan hands from the harsh detergents. I had an aching back from my heavy vacuum. I had stains in the laundry that I could not remove. There was hard water buildup in my toilet and a ring around my bathtub.

That all changed once I found the BS/BULL Button. I just knew when I saw it I had to have it. I had tried all sorts of other products to improve my life but nothing ever worked. They either tasted bad, left a bad odor, cost too much, had unpleasant side effects, broke down, or failed to perform.

With the BS/BULL Button whenever I feel blue, or bored, or tempted to clean or study I just click it and I am taken away to a place where acne, bad breath, poor posture, and smelly feet don't matter. I can even use the button in my bathrobe, WITHOUT ever having to shower! The time I used to spend on housework and studying is now spent happily idling away on blogs. I hardly even notice the chaos growing around me since I found the BS/BULL Button.

Thank you BS/BULL Button! You've changed my life!

* not a paid actress

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

"Even if the voices are not real, they have some pretty good ideas."

"I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you."

"Has anyone just hauled off and hit you?"

And for Blither:

"Who needs a therapist? I have my sister."

Monday, November 21, 2005

What a Big Help

What would I do without such good help?

When I need to vacuum, my husband picks up his feet so I can run it underneath him.

He also lets me know if I have missed a spot.

When the lightbulb in the foyer goes out, he tells me where I can find the ladder and warns me to be careful it doesn't tip when I climb it.

When we are done with dinner and have somewhere to be, he reminds me how much time I have left to clean up before he is leaving.

When it is laundry day he puts his own underwear in the basket so I can carry it all downstairs.

When it is grocery day he reminds me to recycle all the empty bags after I bring them in from the car and unpack them.

If I haven't dusted for a while he writes his name and the date in the dust.

What a guy. What a big help.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Guess The Phobia

Match the name of the phobia with it's meaning. Have fun kiddies.

1. Triskadekaphobia

A. fear of losing an erection

2. Phalacrophobia

B. fear of mother-in-law

3. Selachophobia

C. fear of spiders

4. Coulrophobia

D. fear of flogging

5. Chorophobia

E. fear of drinking

6. Dipsophobia

F. fear of clowns

7. Arachnophobia

G. fear of becoming bald

8. Medomalacuphobia

H. fear of sharks

9. Mastigophobia

I. fear of dancing

10. Petheraphobia

J. fear of the number thirteen

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Crazy HNT!

This woman belongs in the nuthouse, no?


Happy HNT!

To play along click here
HNT Button

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Act Now! Supplies are Limited!

For BS and Blither whose comments from yesterday I only just noticed.

Welcome to Crazy Lime's House of Bargains! Have I got a deal for you!

It slices! It dices! It pares, peels, juliennes, shreds, and even purees!
It's the amazing Lime-o-matic!!
It remains razor sharp under normal conditions (early mornings and migraines excepted).
It is sharp enough to shred to ribbons even the most hardened telemarketer, insurance company representative or uncooperative customer care staff and yet STILL retains an edge that allows it to slice through the caca served up by children and husbands WITHOUT making a smeary mess!

The Lime-o-matic is powered by the fully renewable, eco-friendly power source known as 'Choco-cels.' Simply pop them in the Lime-o-matic's mouth and she is ready to go for hours. With your order we send a year's supply of 'Choco-cels.'* Call within the next 30 minutes and we'll add the second year's supply ABSOLUTELY FREE OF CHARGE! *'Choco-cels are meant solely for the powering of Lime-o-matic. They are not approved for use by children or husband. Dwindling supplies due to misuse and resulting malfunctions of Lime-o-matic are not covered under warranty.

How much would you expect to pay for this versatile blogger? Other models expect unending adulation and constant ego stroking. They break down, fail to blog, do endless memes or plagarize. The Lime-o-matic is an original you'd expect to cost hundreds of dollars. For the low low price of whatever your monthly connection fees are you can read her here every day*. *Some weekend and holiday dates blacked out. Tickets are non-refundable.

But wait! There's more! Act now and you will receive absolutely free of charge the second edition of Lime-o-matic at House of Lime. Along with the Lime-o-matic you'll get several other useful and amusing bloggers. Simply click on the links in her sidebar and prepare to BE AMAZED! NOW how much would you pay??

Would you believe it is STILL the same low price! If you are not completely satisfied simply delete the Lime-o-matic from your bookmarks but keep the giggles you got as our thank you to you for visiting. If you enjoy the Lime-o-matic please feel free to link and tell other about this revolutionary new product. Thank you for you consideration. Operators are standing by!

Results of the Strike

What I am sure would happen if I stopped 'What I do all day.'

1. Every single sock owned by every single child and the husband would wind up on the living room floor and in the foyer. They would all wonder why they have no clean ones in their drawers.

2. Every dish, glass, and piece of silverware would wind up dirty and sitting on the dining room table, kitchen table, and counters. At some point these items may be moved to the kitchen, not by human hands, but by the life forms generating out of the remnants of food.

3. The inside of the microwave, top of the stove, and kitchen floor would all resemble Jackson Pollack paintings.

4. The pantry and fridge would be empty and foraging would ensue. Can people subsist on saltines and water?

5. The bathroom mirror would be covered in a thick layer of toothpaste specks.

6. The mildew in the bathroom would engulf the walls and possibly engulf whoever tried to shower.

7. Children would be hitchhiking to lessons and activities.

8. The wood floors and carpets would remain pristine due to the foot deep layer of clothing (clean and dirty), schoolbooks, newspapers, jackets, shoes, and other assorted items that would cover them protectively.

9. All woodwork would be preserved by the layer of dust......oh wait, this happens anyway, I hate to dust and generally avoid it.

10. The bank account would dwindle as I deplete it during my world sightseeing tour.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

It's All My Fault

Having a husband and children, I have learned that many things are my fault.

1. Even though I have provided my children with fully functional alarm clocks, and made sure they are set, and sent the kids to bed at a reasonable hour so they are sure to have plenty of rest, it is my fault they did not get up when the alarm went off, or when I went into their rooms to wake them every 10 minutes. Even though I did every thing short of marching a band of tubas through their room and dumping a gallon of water over their heads. It is still my fault.

2. Even though I have stocked the kitchen with all the foods they have requested and even though I ask them each week when I make out the grocery list 'What healthy things do you want for lunch and snacks?' and even though I put things away in the same spot, it is my fault they cannot find anything worth packing for lunch.

3. Even though they devoured 2 weeks worth of snacks within 2 days of grocery shopping it is my fault that everything is gone.

4. Even though I tell everyone on Sunday night to haul their dirty laundry to the washing machine so I can wash it on Monday and they choose to ignore this routine, it is my fault that they don't have their favorite jeans or shirt. Even though the cherished garment is festering under the wet towel I asked them to hang up, it is still my fault.

5. Even though I ask every night to see their homework logs and check that the homework is done and tell them to put the finished homework in their folders, in the backpacks, backpacks in the closet, it is my fault that they can't find it and forgot to turn it in.

6. Even though each Limelet knows his or her chore for each day and chooses to wait until the very end of the day to do said chore, it is my fault they are in such foul moods because I asked them to do their chores.

7. Even though I have picked up shoes, socks, jackets, books, backpacks, papers, and every afghan we own off the floor several times a day, it is my fault the house is such a mess.

8. Even though I never got the paper from school telling me about the class party/after school activity/(fill in the blank), it is my fault I did not know about it and plan accordingly.

Excuse me, I'm going back to bed and turning off my alarm. The kitchen is closed today, there will be no cleaning done. I'm taking the Oreos and Doritos with me. The Mom taxi is not available.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Secret Life of a Housewife

Mr. Lime came home the other night and the house was not clean enough for his liking. He pointed out the various areas in which he felt I had been lax and then asked that question I love so much.......'What on earth do you do all day?' After providing an ice bag for the welts on his head caused by repeated forceful contact with the toilet brush I considered the following answers.

1. I watched the 'Jerry Springer' marathon all day.
2. I alphabetized the spice rack.
3. I indulged in nothing but champagne and fine chocolates while reading trashy romance novels.
4. I entertained 6 different lovers.
5. I drove to NYC and maxed out the credit cards on 5th Avenue.
6. I hired a buff gardener and watched him work.
7. I took a bubble bath, all day. See this pruny skin??
8. I pondered existentialism.
9. I pondered my navel.
10. I pondered the feasability of an insanity defense and where to bury the corpse.

Friday, November 11, 2005

As Seen On A T-Shirt

"I never make mistakes. I thought I made one once. But I was mistaken."

"Everything I say is fully substantiated by my own opinion."

"I have no idea what I am doing out of bed."

"Jesus loves you. But I'm his favorite."

"Stupid people make my brain sad."

"I'm so confused, wait....maybe I'm not."

"Sarcasm, just one more service I offer."

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."

"Some days, it's just not worth chewing through the restraints."

And...just for BS:

"My Indian name is - Runs With Beer."

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Airing Some Dirty Laundry


While I have failed to get Mr. Lime to carry a used plate to the kitchen sink, and Snavy has failed to get Mr. Snavy to put away the can opener, I thought it might be useful to share one area of success I have had. In the words of Dave Barry, 'I am not making this up.'

At the end of the first week of wedded bliss I gathered up the dirty laundry and headed off to the laundrymat. As I sorted the clothes into washing machines I noticed a complete absence of Mr. Lime's dirty underwear. I thought this was very odd since he is not a 'commando' sort of guy and all his other clothes from the week, as far as I could tell, were among the piles of fermented fabrics. I washed, dried, and folded all the clothes, loaded them up, took them home, and put them all away.

The next morning, as Mr. Lime was dressing for work, he opened his drawer and asked me where all his clean skivvies were. I said, 'Funny you should ask. I wondered where all the dirty ones were when I did laundry yesterday.' Then he asked if I had pulled the dirties out from under the bed. Under the bed?? Why would they be under the bed? And if they were, why would I pull them out when the entire bedroom was only big enough to hold a queen sized bed, a dresser and a wash basket that was 12 inches away from the bed. All the other dirty clothes made it into the basket. Why not the undies? THEN the moment of truth arrived. Mr. Lime said with all the befuddled innocence of the eternally indulged, 'It's where I always put them at home and my mother always pulled them out on wash day.'

I sashayed over to him, in my own state of being partially attired, kissed him tenderly, nibbled his neck, cooed in his ear, and said, 'My darling, I love you. I only want your happiness. (kiss....fondle....nibble) I can be your mommy or your wife. And the decision is entirely yours (nuzzle....caress...peck). But if I am your mommy (hug.....grind.....deep kiss) certain activities would be illegal and immoral.'

I haven't searched for skivvies since.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Drives Me Crazy - Husband Edition

I have lived with my husband for almost 10 years. In this time, he has never, ever once put the can opener back in the drawer when he was finished using it. I mean, there are wiskers left all over the sink when he shaves, toothpaste shmeg all over the vanity mirror(I don't get this unless gravity just does not work for him), dirty clothes piled up on the floor next to the laundry basket, he changes the settings on electronics throughout the house (he's home about 4 hours a day - but messes with everything) - ok this could get really long. But, nothing and I mean nothing bugs me more than the can opener - I don't know why. I'd throw the damned thing away but the girls and I eat canned goods too.

Anyway - I think it may actually be a pretty good reason for divorce or one hell of an insanity plea - "The can opener told me to do it!"

My Son the Literary Critic

Yesterday my 10 year old Limelet offered the following commentary.

So Mom, Isn't it kinda ironic how the guy in 'Moby DICK' is chasing around a SPERM whale? I mean, what's up with that?


Sunday, November 06, 2005

An Imagination is a Terrible Thing to Waste

The Limelets all have outrageously fertile imaginations. I LOVE some of the crazy stuff they come up with. Here are a few of my favorites from over the years.

1. The two girls, at ages 3 and 5, playing with a pencil and a blob of Play-doh pretending to dissect a squirrel.
Uh-oh, the eyeball fell out!
Put it back in!
Ok, the eyeball is in, let's pull out the intestines and vertebrains (sic)!

2. The boy, at age 4, bounding down the stairs on all fours, naked and barking.
Son, where are your clothes? It's January.
Mom, I'm Balto, the sled dog. Dogs don't wear clothes!

3. I am in the kitchen and hear jungle yells. I walk out to the living room to find Limelet #3, then 5, wearing his Batman cape, holding a golf club like a sword, grasping a drape while perched on one foot on the back of the sofa, ready to launch out into the center of the living room.

4. Limelette #2 from the ages of 2-4 wore a ratty, sleeveless nylon practice jersey by joining the two armholes together and looping them around her neck. This was her 'ball-gown.' Wearing it made her the most glamorous princess on the planet. She wore it EVERYWHERE.

5. Limelet #3, at age 6 invented various animals. His favorite was the 'speed-cat.' In his own words, speed cats are nocturnal omnivores with prehensile tails. They also have nictitating eyelids since they are unlike most cats and enjoy a good swim. They run faster than cheetahs and have a body like cheetahs with stripes like a tiger. He drew me a herd,, what is the collective noun for a group of speedcats?.....of speedcats that I had on my wall for years until we moved. And yes, he could define all those fancy words for you in case you don't know what they mean.

6. Limelette #2 would only wear dresses and skirts that had good 'twirl factor.' She put them on and turned in circles. If the skirt did not flare out sufficiently during the spinning process it was unworthy of ever being worn. No princess could wear dresses and skirts that lacked good twirl factor.

7. Limelette #1 informed me in kindergarten that she was no longer a girl. She wore only jeans and t-shirts with sneakers and a backwards baseball hat. I was now to refer to her as JT instead of her given name.

8. Limelet #3 at the tender age of 3 years and 9 months, and STILL refusing to be potty trained
her looking calmly at me, 'God doesn't want me to.'

(Ok, I admit, I dunno if that is imagination, delusion, or if I have the next Joan of Arc)

9. Limelet #3 has written a couple of stories about a boy superhero who rides around in his 'nuclear powered Ford.' Also, when his extremely dull, spirit-crushing teacher last year could only manage to make comments about his handwriting on any creative writing assignment, the boy started a series of stories about 'the very stupid teacher.' I have to admit, I enjoyed reading them and seeing how the class constantly outwitted her.....AND I told him so!

10. Ever the realist, Limelette #1 sometimes gets annoyed with my own imagination. When I was reading a story to a friend's child and using a different voice for each character, the 8 year old child looked at me and intoned, "Mother, please use the voice God gave you."

Friday, November 04, 2005

Rough Day

You know it will be a rough day when....

1. The alarm going off feels like a railroad spike to the temple.
2. The light going on feels like an interrogation light.
3. You stand up out of bed and have to clap your hand over your left eye to keep the eyeball from launching out of your skull and splattering on the far wall.
4. You can't find the migraine medicine.
5. When you find it, you can't open the child-safe cap.
6. When you finally get it open you realize you have one capsule left and the dosage is 'start with two capsules....'
7. The pharmacy doesn't open for 2 more hours.
8. You get into the shower and there is no hot water left.
9. There is no shampoo left.
10. You have thawed out from the ice cold shower, dressed and eaten, waited until the pharmacy opens and discover you have a flat tire.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Happy HNT!

Those darned legos, if they aren't having a wild orgy then I am stepping on them in the dark with bare feet! OUCH!!


Check "House of Lime for a shot from the other end!

Happy HNT!

HNT Button

I Want a New Drug!

I still can't quite get over the amount of money I paid for medicine yesterday. But, it got me thinking about what drugs I'd like to see research and development efforts channeled into.

1. Deafzil- Cures selective deafness in both children and spouses.
2. Tidy-nazol- Treatment for 'filthy bedroom syndrome.'
3. Chorezac- Makes children feel really upbeat and positive about their responsibilities. They take out the trash with glee.
4. Vegitrol- Causes uncontrollable urge for children to eat healthy food instead of junkfood.
5. Studynase- Causes a release of brain chemicals that drives children to remember all homework assignments while inhibiting sleep and recreation pursuits until completion of assignments.
6. Libidinase- Causes a release of brain chemicals that drives husbands to regard doing dishes and helping around the house as a powerful aphrodesiac.
7. Friendicilin- Reduces sibling rivalry and causes feelings of harmony between warring sisters.
8. Cellutrol- Causes an uncontrollable urge to use the mobile phone to call and let your significant other or parents know when you will be late.
9. Bathadryl- Reduces the allergic symptoms children report having to soap and water.
10. Lipitore- Causes lockjaw in sassy, argumentative children until such time as kind words can be spoken.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

I Think I'm Going to be Sick!

So, yesterday was Halloween and we consumed outrageous amounts of chocolate. That alone is enough to make your tummy a little upset. Yesterday I also had to take Limelettes #1 and #2 to the doctor. I already knew the diagnosis for each Limelette. Number 1 has has asthma, we needed some drugs. Number 2 had an ear infection, we needed an antibiotic. For the priviledge of spending 3 minutes having a trained professional tell me what I already know and scribble onto an official piece of paper the names of the drugs needed I got to pay $70. I knew that would be the case. I carried my two little prescriptions off to the pharmacy to get filled. the Limelettes and I are allergic to penicillin so that eliminates a whole class of cheap drugs for us. I knew I'd be spending about $50-$90 for the antibiotics. I have asthma and get inhalers so I thought I had a sense of what that would cost too, $20-$30. Here is where you insert mocking laughter. When the lady at the pharmacy rang me up and said the antibiotic was $83 and the inhaler was $112, the room began to spin and I wondered how much I might be charged for the ambulance crew to come scrape me off the floor and shock my heart back into rhythm. $195 for TWO prescriptions!!! Now mind you, I am glad there are drugs to make my kids healthy. I am thankful I have access to such drugs. I will do what I must to make my kids healthy. But I am sorry, this blows my mind! I really cannot believe that it cost anywhere near that amount of money to produce these two drugs and deliver them to me. With the amount of money I just spent on drugs there are a hell of a lot of other things I could have done.

What to do with $195
1. For $2 more I purchased a brand new 4 meg digital camera and dock last week.
2. Buy over a week's worth of groceries for my kids.
3. Buy 8 pairs of jeans for Limelette #2 who is going through a growth spurt and just outgrew every pair of pants I bought at the beginning of the school year. Or 4 pair of jeans and 3 pair of shoes or 4-6 get the picture.
4. Pay for a week of youth camp for either Limelette next summer.
5. Buy FOUR tanks of gas to fill the 'Mom Taxi.' Now think about that one in light of recent increases!
6. Buy a new carpet for Limelette #2's bedroom.
7. Pay for either one month's heating or electricity and have enough left over to go out to dinner.
8. Take both Limelettes, their brother, father, and me and a friend for each to the movies AND get snacks out the ears.
9. Pay to have the septic tank sucked out.
10. Pay for over 100 school lunches. Ok, I dunno if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but it is an alternative.

Ok so there ya have it, 10 alternatives off the top of my head before 7:00 am ( I am not a morning person at all, so this is a serious accomplishment). It is not a funny list, so I apologize to all who were looking for a giggle. But this does make me insane! Keep going if you want the funny list.

1. Pay Sven down at the spa for 2 glorious hours of full body massage.
2. Buy 33 packs of the peanut butter and chocolate covered pretzels I love so much.
3. Hire someone to feed me said pretzels.
4. Go to "The Spa at Hershey" and get a chocolate bath.
5. Hire someone to drive me to that spa.
6. Buy a stack of books to read and a rack to prop them up out of the chocolate bath.
7. Hire someone to read me the books while I luxuriate in the chocolate bath.
8. Buy MYSELF some new clothes.
9. Buy some REALLY good wine or champagne to sip will I luxuriate in the chocolate bath.
10. Buy an iPod to enjoy while I luxuriate in the chocolate bath.