What I Say/What They Hear
A little slice of chores and duties in Lime's world.
"Go clean your room." Kick the debris to the sides of the room or under your bed. Make sure there is some food mixed in with the debris so that in a few days there is a stench that requires Hazmat gear to remove.
"Take your dirty laundry to the laundry room." Hide dirty clothes under your bed, among the books on your shelf, stuffed in your closet. Spend much more time creatively hiding it than would be necessary to take it to the laundry room. Make sure your favorite outfit, which you have already worn 5 times and could walk to the laundry on its on, is tied up in a corner so it cannot rescue itself. When I have washed all the laundry I have been given, be sure to ask my why you have no clean socks or underwear.
"Put away your clean laundry." Take the neatly folded stacks of clean clothes I have just handed you and scatter them around your room. Next week, when I ask for dirty laundry, put them in your hamper and keep the cruddy clothes.
"Please clear the table after dinner." Carry ONLY your plate to the sink. Leave the silverware, napkins, cups, serving bowls and placemats on the table. Under no circumstances should you even consider wiping the table. Complain loudly and bitterly about the injustice of your life when I ask you to complete the job.
"Load the dishwasher." Scatter dirty dishes around the kitchen. Make sure only about 50% of them make it into the dishwasher. Just like with the laundry, expend much more energy hiding dirty dishes than just putting them where they belong. Throw the silverware in the garbage when you scrape the plates. Make sure at least one of the plates has a paper napkin still stuck to it when you load it.
"Sweep the floor." Rearrange the dirt. Do NOT even try to reach anything under the kitchen table.
"Put your shoes away." Please make sure every pair of shoes you own is scattered around the house. Make sure no shoe is with its mate. Become indignant when your mother has no idea where your sneakers are.
"Go clean your room." Kick the debris to the sides of the room or under your bed. Make sure there is some food mixed in with the debris so that in a few days there is a stench that requires Hazmat gear to remove.
"Take your dirty laundry to the laundry room." Hide dirty clothes under your bed, among the books on your shelf, stuffed in your closet. Spend much more time creatively hiding it than would be necessary to take it to the laundry room. Make sure your favorite outfit, which you have already worn 5 times and could walk to the laundry on its on, is tied up in a corner so it cannot rescue itself. When I have washed all the laundry I have been given, be sure to ask my why you have no clean socks or underwear.
"Put away your clean laundry." Take the neatly folded stacks of clean clothes I have just handed you and scatter them around your room. Next week, when I ask for dirty laundry, put them in your hamper and keep the cruddy clothes.
"Please clear the table after dinner." Carry ONLY your plate to the sink. Leave the silverware, napkins, cups, serving bowls and placemats on the table. Under no circumstances should you even consider wiping the table. Complain loudly and bitterly about the injustice of your life when I ask you to complete the job.
"Load the dishwasher." Scatter dirty dishes around the kitchen. Make sure only about 50% of them make it into the dishwasher. Just like with the laundry, expend much more energy hiding dirty dishes than just putting them where they belong. Throw the silverware in the garbage when you scrape the plates. Make sure at least one of the plates has a paper napkin still stuck to it when you load it.
"Sweep the floor." Rearrange the dirt. Do NOT even try to reach anything under the kitchen table.
"Put your shoes away." Please make sure every pair of shoes you own is scattered around the house. Make sure no shoe is with its mate. Become indignant when your mother has no idea where your sneakers are.
posted by lime at
7:26 AM
7 Comments:
Yikes! I think I may of done some things like that as a kid. hehehe
By
Bsoholic, at 9:48 AM
Limey,
(yes, I double-checked the poster's name this time)
The joys of parenthood are manifold and manifest, are they not?
By
Logophile, at 10:41 AM
ROTFLMFAO!!!! oh Lime, this is perfect.....I just read it to Hannah, and she shot me the dirtiest look! I think that she thinks that it doesn't fit her to a T....oh man, I am laughing so hard, i'm crying! Happy Monday Lime!
By
S, at 10:46 AM
bs, ariella, bare....i have many times questioned whether or not i was actually speaking to them in standard english. once i aske d kenyan pal to speak to them in swahili to see if it worked better
By
lime, at 11:53 AM
LMAO ohhhhh no!!! I don't have kids yet. Is this what I have to look forward to? Will I develop those super powers of all-knowing when the time comes??? Ack!
By
Anonymous, at 12:44 PM
LOL, colleen. yes this is what you have to look forward to. but i can assure you, you will also develop the interpretation skills.
By
lime, at 2:17 PM
OMG!! Sounds like my house and my kids are only 4 1/2 & 7! Holy hell am I in trouble.
I have been picking silverware out of the trash for 6 years - lol!
J & J's bed are still on the floor but under V's bed is horrific.
By
Stephanie, at 3:09 PM
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