Insane Asylime

Friday, September 30, 2005

Just a Slight Oedipal Complex

It was 5:24 am when my 10-year-old son staggered into my bedroom. He stood over me and asked, "Can I climb in bed with you guys?" I had stayed up way too late the night before and was not fully coherent. You also have to understand that my son thrashes wildly when he sleeps. It is hazardous to share a bed with him. A few synapses in my brain fired enough for me to mumble, "There's not enough room." Casting a malicious glance at his sleeping father, my son shot back, "How soon is HE leaving?"

Education, Smeducation!

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Beachy Keen HNT

Originally uploaded by tydyd1.

Since I mentioned my therapeutic trip to the beach this summer, here are my fat little duck feet in the surf.

Bare feet played by the sea spray
Skin cooled by the mist
Arms put out, felt the easy wind
And we pictured
Summer's eternity

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

A Not So Wicked Stepmother

Taking a break from straight humor here so I can wish someone very special a happy birthday.

Mary is my stepmother. She is nuts but in the most wonderful sense of the word. She has a laugh that is absolutely infectious. She's got white hair, a bum knee, and struggles with her weight but still swings from ropes hung in trees and crawls on the floor to play with her grandchildren. She has extreme difficulty parting with junk-mail and miscellania collected over the years but does some of the coolest impromptu science experiments when the kids have a question.

She has somehow managed to live with my dad for the last 25 years and NOT resort to homicide. She passes off his caustic comments and his snarls with a giggle or if she is really miffed she smiles sweetly as she flips him the bird. She has accepted and nurtured my brother and me as her own from the very beginning. When I was a kid and cracked some inappropriate joke that others thought required reprimand she'd laugh with me. She taught me to cook and how to do macrame. She comforted me through some scary asthma attacks too.

This past summer she noticed what a stressed out maniac I had become. She slipped me the key to her rustic beachhouse and said, "Go escape for a while, no kids, no husband. It only costs the gas to get there and the food you'll eat." Another time at the beach, as we sat in our chairs reading, she noticed a group of 4 guys eyeing me up. When they had barely passed she leaned over and whispered that one of them definitely gave a look of extreme approval for my form (woohoo!!). I sat up from my book and hollered, "Thanks fellows!" and waved and winked. My father was speechless over my lack of decorum. Mary and I laughed hysterically.

She is kind, compassionate, smart, and funny. She's totally aware of the people around her and what they hope, dream, think and feel. She is loving acceptance personified.


You've been a gift to our family.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?

Yesterday I had the pleasure of standing outside a grocery store in the rain for 2 hours with my oldest child and two other members of the high school marching band. The three girls held a sign and two shakos (the girls become rabid if you refer to them as "hats") asking for donations to fund the annual marching band trip. I stood there with them to make sure no one hassled them. I'm quite sure my imposing 5'4" frame helped scare off any would-be attackers. There is just nothing like sanctioned begging. In spite of the rain, surly customers, boredom, and hunger they were a chipper trio (and I actually had a ball with them). I plied them with candy bars and sodas and imitated the more annoying individuals to keep them happy. I tried to offer helpful ideas to boost donations since I was not allowed to actually do any of the begging myself (the grocery store people and band organizers are quite particular about who does the begging). Here are some suggestions.

Guilt Inducement
1. Stand right under the downspout and get soaked so you look really bedraggled and pathetic. go for the sympathy donations. As a bonus, it also falls under the wet t-shirt clause. It's a two for one strategy!

2. Suck your cheeks in. Look hungry. Do your best Oliver Twist impersonation when someone drops a mere quarter. "Please, sir. I want some more."

3. Borrow a blind man's cane. Wear leg braces, a cervical collar or any other apparatus that conspicuously marks you as worthy of pity.

The Siren Call
4. See #1 for wet t-shirt idea.

5. Show some leg for heaven's sake! You don't expect those sweatpants to do the trick do you? Some hot pants or a mini skirt is what you need! And while you're at it, put on some heels. Fishnets wouldn't hurt either. Work it, girls!

6. Drop the sign and bend over to pick it up. Make sure you flash some cleavage when you bend over. You girls are young and firm, use what ya got!

No Excuses
7. If someone tells you they only have larger bills, let them know tens and twenties are just fine.

8. Don't have any cash at all? No problem! We accept Visa, Mastercard, AmEx,and Discover.

9. My son/daughter attends the rival school. Well, isn't it about time we build bridges instead of walls?

The Shakedown
10. Get a couple of burly guys named Guido and Sal to stand with you. "You's gots a donation tuh make!"

11. Barricade the little old ladies driving scooters. Let them know this is a toll road now.

12. Snatch a shopper's bag from his/her cart. Play 'Keep away.' "So, what is this bag of groceries worth to ya?"

Miscellaneous Methods
13. Bring your instruments and play
a. so loudly and off key that people pay you to stop or
b. so beautifully people are compelled to reward you.

14. Follow people to their cars, cling to their legs until they give you money.

15. Proclaim loudly, "You drive a BMW and you're carrying a Gucci purse and all you can cough up is a buck??!!"

I figure these little suggestions ought to boost their take quite a bit. If not, at least it will prevent me from being appointed fundraising chairperson.

No - He Did Not?!?

Yes, he most certainly did! Here is a list of things my husband has actually said to me over the years:

1. What is wrong with your face? I had a pimple.

2. Does it have it's own zip code? Same pimple.

3. Honey, you are really big. I was pregnant with 15 pounds of twin baby girls.

4. Don't ever make this again. Dinner wasn't so great that night.

5. Want me to bang you like a screen door? Translation - do you want to have sex.

6. For a dancer, you are really uncoordinated. I get this one a lot.

7. Are those jammies? I was wearing a slinky lace top with jeans.

8. Babe, please don't make that face. I was flossing.

9. Want to monkey about? Another lovely way of asking about sex.

10. You look fine. I look freaking incredible! (you get the point)

I've posted this on my blog before but I wanted to show another reason for my insanity over here!

Monday, September 26, 2005

Rules of the Kitchen

My kitchen is a bit of a sanctuary for me. I really enjoy cooking when I have time to do it at a relaxed pace. When I am in there I generally have some very danceable music playing. Good food plus good tunes makes me a happy girl. In order to maintain it as a place that relaxes me I have just 2 simple rules. If I am in the kitchen working and you enter you must be prepared to

1. Help me cook
2. Dance with me

A warning will be issued if visitors do not immediately comply. Continued refusal to participate in aforementioned activities will result in a forceable ejection from the premises. The management does not assume responsibility for any resulting damages.

I don't care which one you pick, I leave it to your discretion. Optimally, you'll choose both but I am satisfied with one or the other. One day, my then 13 year old daughter wandered into the doorway, careful not to cross from the carpet to the tile since she had no desire to cook or dance. I continued happily stirring the marinara and getting a little grind going while Santana's "Jingo" played. The child watched then commented, "Gee, Mom. All you need is a pole!"

So, after careful consideration, I feel it is necessary to adjust my kitchen behavior and modify the rules somewhat. Therefore, if you enter my kitchen while I am working therein you shall be prepared to:

1. Help me cook
2. Dance with me
3. Stuff dollar bills in my g-string

Saturday, September 24, 2005

A Cup Of Coffee

A cup of coffee to get the day started. It sounds so simple.

First, I wash out the coffee pot from yesterday and get the water ready. As I begin to count the scoops of coffee grinds, Vanessa asks for cereal - I loose count of how many scoops I have already added. I dump out the grinds and get out bowls, spoons, cereal and milk. I call the twins - Jessica and Julia - and get them all breakfast. Now, back to the coffee. I measure out 5 1/2 scoops of coffee and press start.

I have a few minutes before the pot brews so I decide to go do some laundry. The stuff in the dryer is not quite dry and I have to put it on a little longer. The stuff in the washing machine has nowhere to go but I notice my husbands dirty uniform (that he needs for tonight) in a heep on the floor. I take the wet clothes out of the washer, throw them in a laundry basket and start a new wash. I want a cup of coffee.

I walk up the basement stairs and can smell that lovely aroma. I walk over to the cabinet and grab a mug. When I turn to walk to the coffee pot, Julia is standing there and wants juice. I pour out three cups of juice just to be safe. I tell them that juice is ready. Only two of them show up. Where is Jessica? I'll tell you. She is in the bathroom with the bright blue kids toothpaste - everywhere! I clean what I can with a sponge but the floor is blue and sticky - I'll need to mop the floor. I really want a cup of coffee.

I take the mop and bucket to the kitchen sink that is still full of pots and pans from last night. I curse myself for being lazy. I start the water, do the dishes, run the disposal, fill the bucket for mopping, grab the mop and head back to the bathroom. Finally the floor is clean. I rinse out the mop and bucket and put them away. At this point, I don't just want the coffee - I need it!

I pour the beautiful, silky brown liquid into my mug and add a splenda. All I need now is half and half. I grab the container out of the fridge, pour and stir. I bring the mug to my lips and take a sip. Aaahhhhhhh!!!

So how was your morning?

Pass the Geritol

My 14 year old daughter has been shocked to discover I now blog. She has informed me I am definitely too old to blog. Here are a few other things she has been kind enough to inform me I am too old to be doing and why.

1. Have sex. Apparently I have only had sex 3 times in my life since I have 3 children. I only endured this disgusting activity so I could procreate.

2. Sing along with "her" music. I should be listening to some nice elevator music so I am not tempted to engage in #3.

3. Dance. Old people don't shake their groove thang/booty the way I do. They could seriously injure themsleves. Ok, ok, I know "groove thang" dates me.

4. Wear anything that might show any cleavage or any skirt above the knee. "Mom, don't you know how guys might look at you?? You are too old to have some guy checking you out!"

5. Engage in conversation with her friends. I am to present a dour countenance, feign a lack of understanding, be quiet and drive the mom-taxi lest I cultivate the aura of "coolness" or trustworthiness that is unbecoming someone of my advanced age.

Thank you sweetie. You will save me from untold embarassment. Yes, I will drop you off at the movies now. I will not come into the theater. If you need me I will be in the back seat of the Caravan, hiking up my skirt, boffing your dad, while Outkast plays on the radio.

Friday, September 23, 2005

How to Get More Fiber in Your Diet

Good morning all! In the interest of promoting good health here is what I had for breakfast. Bon Appetit!

Papaya-Strawberry Smoothies

3 or 4 cups frozen Papaya chunks (6 months in the freezer is minimally accepted time, ignore the freezer burn)

1 can of strawberry nectar

1 wooden spoon

-Add the papaya chunks and 1/3 of the nectar to a blender. Hit puree.
-Insert wooden spoon through opening in blender lid and push ingredients to blade.
-Notice this is not helping.
-Add more nectar and repeat 2 previous steps.
-Become impatient. Stop blender and really smash fruit chunks into blades. Hit puree.
-Continue smashing fruit into blades with wooden spoon (be sure to hit the blades several times) until desired consistency is acheived.
-Turn off blender and pull out spoon. Notice large chunks of spoon missing.
-Consider dumping it all down the drain. Remember there are children starving in Africa.
-Strain the smoothie through a sieve to remove larger splinters of spoon.
-Pour smoothie into a glass and enjoy.
-Notice there are still several visually detectable specks of wood.
-Tell yourself this too shall pass.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Happy HNT!

Jumping right into HNT on my first week. A little background is in order. I had hair down to the middle of my back for 18 years. A friend cut it to boy short when my kids brought home head lice from school and no one would help pick over my head and I could not get the nit comb about insane! Why did I have such long hair for so long? Basically, it's because hairdressers scare the crap outta me. I feel about them the way most people feel about dentists. This picture is from two years ago after I had about a year's growth back on my supershort, lice-induced cut. My dearest friend was getting married and I reluctantly agreed to get my hair done since I was a bridesmaid. This is me keeping my promise to her, first time in a hairdressers chair in 20 years.....EEEEEEEEEKKKK!!!!!!!


To learn more about HNT, click on this button and visit Osbasso.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Supply and Demand

I just got back from the store. I went in with a list of three things and ended up spending fifty dollars.

Anyway here is a list of what I bouhgt and why:

L'Oreal Kids Shampoo -- Because Jessica and Julia thought it would be fun to empty the entire bottle I bought last week into the tub! Bubbles, Mommy!!

A Calculator -- The old one went swimming one day -- I just found it, floating in the bathroom sink. I have a suspect but nobody's talking.

Elmer's Glue -- Because Jessica and Julia feel it is neccessary to glue down stickers!! Stickers -- they stick!!

An Eye Glass Repair Kit -- Because mommy's glasses are way more fun to break than our own! Plus, the itty bitty screwdriver is so cute!!

Doulble A Batteries -- For the -- er -- um -- remote!

Sketch Pad & Charcoal Pencils -- Because I wanted them!

What We Say/What They Hear

A little slice of Lime's morning routine

1. "Time to wake up!" Please continue to sleep through your clock radio alarm, which is on full volume, and my repeated reminders of how much time before the schoolbus arrives. Do not get out of bed until 5 minutes before the bus arrives. Then, race out the door like a bat out of hell, untied shoelaces trailing and your homework dropping out of your unzipped backpack.

2. "Come have some breakfast." Come rummage through the fully-stocked fridge/pantry, noticing how I bought the foods you asked for. Tell me there is nothing here to eat.

3. "Brush your teeth." Go run your toothbrush under water, so it appears you used it. When you allow me to kiss you goodbye knock me over with morning breath so bad it could be used as a weapon.

4. "Go get dressed." Please play with legos, get back into bed and go to sleep, or sit in your room and fantasize about whatever current celebrity/schoolmate crush you have. Alternately, try on 12 different outfits, take them all off in disgust, leave them on the floor and proclaim you have nothing suitable to wear.

5. "Make sure you have your homework." Call me from school an hour after you leave and ask me to find the rough draft of your essay for english class. Tell me you think it is in your room somewhere.....maybe under some of those clothes.

6. "I love you." I hope this one doesn't get lost in translation

Tuesday, September 20, 2005


I expect Snavy and I will wind up sharing all manner of lunacy perpetrated by our kids and husbands. I certainly know that my children and husband could easily share any number of anecdotes about things I have done to make them crazy. Dinner table discussions at my house are great fodder for new material, they are also the setting for the retelling of lots of looney stories from the past. My kids like to hear stories of funny things they did when they were smaller (they are now 14, 12, and 10) and they BEG for "Little Mommy" stories because I indulge them with some tale of my own stupidity or some fond memory. To show you how far back my own insanity can be traced, I present you with their favorite tale.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Michelle. She lived in a house in the country where the woods stretched behind and fields stretched before. In the house next door lived a big girl named Beth. Michelle was 4 and Beth was 10 but they were the best of friends. They both had long black hair and big brown eyes and liked to pretend they were really sisters. Michelle thought Beth was amazing and wanted to be just like her. If Beth wanted to play checkers, Michelle wanted to play checkers. If Beth wanted to hike in the woods, Michelle wanted to hike in the woods. If Beth wanted to play dress up, Michelle wanted to play dress up.

One day Beth had an accident and broke her leg. She came back from the doctor with a bright white cast that stretched from her foot to her thigh. She had drawings and notes written all over her cast already and gave Michelle a marker saying, "Wanna draw on my cast?" Michelle had never seen such a marvelous thing. Michelle loved to draw and Beth had her very own cast she could carry with her all the time and draw on whenever she wanted. Michelle eagerly took the marker and drew a big heart right over Beth's knee because she loved Beth and she loved this cast.

Now Michelle was just sure she had to find a way to get a cast of her own so she asked Beth how she was so lucky to get this marvelous cast. Beth told her the sad tale. Michelle was sorry her friend had been hurt but was still infatuated with the portable canvas. She began to concoct a plan.

The next day, while her father was at work and her mother took care of the baby, Michelle climbed to the top of the tree in her front yard. She crouched on a shakey branch and held on to another. She looked up, then down. Her heart pounded in her ears. She squeezed her eyes shut. She drew a breath. She jumped!

The crash had knocked the wind out of her and she giggled delightedly when she could breath again. Surely, she had done some real damage! She limped happily to the kitchen and announced with a smile, "Mommy, I broke my leg!" Her mother checked her leg, moving it, squeezing it, asking Michelle to walk on it. She comforted Michelle saying, "It's only a bruise, maybe a little sprain. Here is an ice pack." Michelle wailed in bitter disappointment.

Yeah, I've been nuts a long time!

Monday, September 19, 2005

Truth is stranger than fiction

Just a few mental health actions I really took.

1. Drove to a grocery store in a blizzard to get diapers. I then stayed for an hour, inventorying one particular aisle. Who knew there were so many brands of anchovy paste!

2. Went to a blood drive. Amazing how relaxing it can be to let someone ram a large bore needle into a vein and drain off a pint of blood when you know that for 15 minutes you are required to remain horizontal AND someone gives you donuts afterwards.

3. Feigned a catatonic state.

4. Went to the mall to try on prom dresses with my best friend......When I was 4 weeks postpartum......when she was 2 months post-hysterectomy. To the saleslady, "My 17 year old boyfriend wants me to wear red sequins, but I think the blue chiffon hides the stretchmarks better. Whaddya think?" (Btw, I was clearly too old to be going to the prom)

5. Drank cheap wine from a sippy cup.

6. Called a radio station to enter a "heinous husband" contest......and WON! I didn't share the chocolate I won.

7. Went target shooting.....after a neutral 3rd party suggested to my husband that he should be engaged in some of my interests and hubby admitted he could not even name any of my interests. "Honey, I dunno what you like to do. Seems to me I recall you having a pretty good eye, wanna go target shooting?" May I just say I believe it is testament to my forgiving nature that he would dare make that admission and immediately offer to put a loaded gun in my hands.

So -- You Think You Are Ready For Children?

Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Monday Morning

Someone drank all the milk and put the empty container back in the fridge. One got to the bus-stop 30 seconds before the bus arrived and realized she forgot her homework. One can't find his glasses. One snarled like a rabid animal when I woke her up. The hubby gave me a set of baseball pictures from a kid on the team he coached this summer. He can't remember the kid's last name, doesn't have a phone number or address but I am supposed to locate this kid and deliver his pictures. I left half of my own schoolwork that is due today undone.....

I got to see the sunrise on a clear morning, run screaming into my son's room before divebombing his bed to wake him (he has requested this method), see his first smile of the day, hear Warren Zevon when my clock radio went off, hug my kids........

Oh yeah, it's Monday morning. Let the games begin.

Saturday, September 17, 2005


1. "My room is clean." I have 17 candy and snack wrappers under my pillow, a week's worth of underwear behind the dresser, and the cordless phone you've been looking for is buried beneath all the clothing and schoolwork balled up on the floor of my closet.

2. "My homework is done." I will only remember 2 minutes before my bus arrives that my 3D display, complete with 2 page report on Colonial Life is due today even though you asked me 6 times last night about my homework

3. "Yes, I hung up my coat." I threw it in a wad on the floor within 6 inches of the front door when I came home from school.

4. "What's for supper?" I need to know if you are making my favorite or something I despise so I know how many snacks I need to secretly carry off to my bedroom in order to sustain me for the night.

5. "When is supper?" I need to know how much time I have to abscond with snacks.

6. "Can we get a dog? I'll take good care of it." I want all the fun and hope when I get bored with the responsibility you will, feed it, walk it, and clean up after it."

7. "Yes, I fed the dog." I gave the dog half of my leftover peanut butter and jelly sandwich that I didn't eat out of my lunchbox.

8. "Yes, I walked the dog." Yesterday.

9. "Can I pierce my tongue?" I know you'll never allow this but maybe it will make piercing my eyebrow look acceptible.

10. "Yes, Becky's parents will be at the party." There is a picture of them on the mantle which we will all wave to as we enter the house and prior to the emptying their liquor cabinet.

Things A Mom Would Never Say

1. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

2. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."

3. "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery."

4. "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week."

5. "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day."

6. "Well, if Billy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

7. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

8. "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve."

9. "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve."

10. "Sure you can hit your sister - she is pretty annoying."

kid art

Ok, first I would like to thank Snavy for inviting me to do a blog with her. I have been considering this blog thing for a while and she is getting me off my butt to do something about it. This should be a learning experience for me, a confirmed technophobe who somehow has developed a whole group of friendships online...go figure.

Snavy's kids are obviously experimenting with some rather advanced representational abstract art concepts. I think the monochromatic theme and bold strokes speak to their frustration with the rigid impostion of outmoded heirarchal roles in this cynical postmodern age. The simplicity and movement of the piece indicate a strong desire for freedom from adhering to societal expectations.

My own daughter, when she was 3, dabbled in such similar expressions. She wanted to finger paint so I set her up in one of those kid chairs that clips onto a table figuring it would contain the mess to the immediate area. She sat there happily smearing blobs of paint across a piece of paper. I had taken her shirt off so if she got paint on herself it was no biggie, no clothes ruined. We painted together a while, very sedately. Then I heard the washing machine stop in the next room. She was content. It would take me 30 seconds to unload the washer. I talked to her from the other room the whole time I was gone. When I returned she smiled broadly, holding up her now finished painting, "Look, Mommy!" I burst out laughing! In 30 seconds she had covered the paper, her left arm, her entire chest and belly, and part of her face in a muddy smear. Ah the joys of self-expression.

A Reason For My Insanity

My kids made this for me... on the wall! Aren't they sweet?