Insane Asylime

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?

Yesterday I had the pleasure of standing outside a grocery store in the rain for 2 hours with my oldest child and two other members of the high school marching band. The three girls held a sign and two shakos (the girls become rabid if you refer to them as "hats") asking for donations to fund the annual marching band trip. I stood there with them to make sure no one hassled them. I'm quite sure my imposing 5'4" frame helped scare off any would-be attackers. There is just nothing like sanctioned begging. In spite of the rain, surly customers, boredom, and hunger they were a chipper trio (and I actually had a ball with them). I plied them with candy bars and sodas and imitated the more annoying individuals to keep them happy. I tried to offer helpful ideas to boost donations since I was not allowed to actually do any of the begging myself (the grocery store people and band organizers are quite particular about who does the begging). Here are some suggestions.

Guilt Inducement
1. Stand right under the downspout and get soaked so you look really bedraggled and pathetic. go for the sympathy donations. As a bonus, it also falls under the wet t-shirt clause. It's a two for one strategy!

2. Suck your cheeks in. Look hungry. Do your best Oliver Twist impersonation when someone drops a mere quarter. "Please, sir. I want some more."

3. Borrow a blind man's cane. Wear leg braces, a cervical collar or any other apparatus that conspicuously marks you as worthy of pity.

The Siren Call
4. See #1 for wet t-shirt idea.

5. Show some leg for heaven's sake! You don't expect those sweatpants to do the trick do you? Some hot pants or a mini skirt is what you need! And while you're at it, put on some heels. Fishnets wouldn't hurt either. Work it, girls!

6. Drop the sign and bend over to pick it up. Make sure you flash some cleavage when you bend over. You girls are young and firm, use what ya got!

No Excuses
7. If someone tells you they only have larger bills, let them know tens and twenties are just fine.

8. Don't have any cash at all? No problem! We accept Visa, Mastercard, AmEx,and Discover.

9. My son/daughter attends the rival school. Well, isn't it about time we build bridges instead of walls?

The Shakedown
10. Get a couple of burly guys named Guido and Sal to stand with you. "You's gots a donation tuh make!"

11. Barricade the little old ladies driving scooters. Let them know this is a toll road now.

12. Snatch a shopper's bag from his/her cart. Play 'Keep away.' "So, what is this bag of groceries worth to ya?"

Miscellaneous Methods
13. Bring your instruments and play
a. so loudly and off key that people pay you to stop or
b. so beautifully people are compelled to reward you.

14. Follow people to their cars, cling to their legs until they give you money.

15. Proclaim loudly, "You drive a BMW and you're carrying a Gucci purse and all you can cough up is a buck??!!"


I figure these little suggestions ought to boost their take quite a bit. If not, at least it will prevent me from being appointed fundraising chairperson.

15 Comments:

  • My ten year old daughter sells Girl Scout cookies every year and I always go with her . This year the council told them that they couldn't ask anyone if they wanted to buy some cookies. We do many stands in February and March and it always amazes me at some of the excuses people say to get out of something when no would work . Last year we had a booth at Wal-Mart and my daughter asked a lady if she would like to buy some cookies and the lady stops , looks at her and says " no, my grandson sells them" . I thought , damn you better have him checked out if he is selling Girl scout cookies. LOL! I laughed for weeks over that one ! :)

    By Blogger Breazy, at 12:22 PM  

  • I am still laughing my ass off over #'s 10, 11 & 12!! OMG - You are too funny!! Work it girl!! Snap!

    By Blogger snavy, at 12:38 PM  

  • Limey, wanna do the advertising for my garage sale?

    By Anonymous logo, at 1:25 PM  

  • ..reminds me of the summer my husband was working for one of those organizations that sponsors kids from other countries to come over here and stay with host families....we discovered a really good way to get families was to hang out in front of the grocery store with a table of literature and a sign posted on the table...after a couple of hours, a man walks out of the store, and he cocks his head to the side as he reads our sign..."...lies needed?......"
    We had no idea what he was talking about, so he pointed out that our sign, which was really long and wrapped around the table, said "Host Fami..." on one side of the table...and "lies needed", on the other!
    We about peed our pants laughing for about 10 mintues with that man....its been about 10 years and we still get a giggle when we think about it!

    By Blogger barefoot_mistress, at 2:23 PM  

  • breazy, the grnadson took a trip to sweden perhaps?
    snavy, ty :D
    logo, what's my cut?
    toots, too funny!

    By Blogger lime, at 2:57 PM  

  • Lime,
    25% and you keep anything that has been in your g-string
    :-p

    By Anonymous logo, at 3:08 PM  

  • i thought it was funny when a girl scout asked me to buy some cookies, (i never carry cash btw) and i said i have no mo....
    whatever she interrupted and gave me the 'talk to the hand'
    i looked at her mother , she just looked at me like i was a cheap bastard ...

    OK LITTLE BITCHY SCOUT GIRL ! I CAN'T EAT YOUR DAMN COOKIES BECAUSE I'M ON A GLUTEN FREE DIET ! SO PUT THAT IN YOUR PIE-HOLE ALONG WITH THAT HAND !

    By Blogger Thomcat, at 3:27 PM  

  • Thom,
    perhaps we should have a talk about the transference of your feelings about your dietary restrictions.
    How do you REALLY feel
    :-P

    By Anonymous logo, at 3:31 PM  

  • logo, then i am stuffing everything in the cashbox down my pants:P

    thom, would you like to support my local highschool marching band's annual trip?

    By Blogger lime, at 3:49 PM  

  • Very humrous suggestions. He he.

    I confess, I usually have no money to spare so I dodge them like leppers. The secret is to NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT.

    I'd hate to run into you. I have a feeling there would be no getting passed you. :)

    By Blogger Sleeping Mommy, at 6:05 PM  

  • Thom .. I will send in a suggestion to the Girl Scout Council about gluten free people and how they would possibly buy lots of cookies if we had a cookie they could eat! May sound crazy but they actually did it for the dieters and people who have diabetes ! :)

    By Blogger Breazy, at 8:21 PM  

  • LMAO, I especially enjoyed #7,11, and 15. I'd rather you beg for spare change in front of a grocery store than on a busy intersection. I've seen more adolescent kids looking trying to sell stuff on busy intersections. Why do parents allow their kids to do such dangerous stuff????

    By Anonymous Colleen, at 9:09 PM  

  • The toll road idea cracked me up!

    I feel so sorry for these kids when I see them begging for money to buy new uniforms...football players, band members, etc...

    I used to handle a school's budget, and I KNOW they have the money...AND I know where it goes (ever seen the nice desk your kids' teacher sits at) so I KNOW if they really wanted to, the school could provide nice uniforms for their kids.

    By Blogger FunkyB, at 11:10 PM  

  • funkybug, tell me about it. i had to help alter the uniforms this year. they had not even been dry-cleaned from last year. they were filthy and absolutely disgusting!

    By Blogger lime, at 10:01 AM  

  • Wow,
    Limey knows how to sew too.
    So many crafty folks running around.
    I once had a pair of pants that had a duct tape hem for weeks, until my husband finally fixed them.
    In a pinch though, I CAN put a button back on. Never looks the same. I so wish I lived closer to my favorite seamstress.

    By Anonymous logo, at 11:10 AM  

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