Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?

Yesterday I had the pleasure of standing outside a grocery store in the rain for 2 hours with my oldest child and two other members of the high school marching band. The three girls held a sign and two shakos (the girls become rabid if you refer to them as "hats") asking for donations to fund the annual marching band trip. I stood there with them to make sure no one hassled them. I'm quite sure my imposing 5'4" frame helped scare off any would-be attackers. There is just nothing like sanctioned begging. In spite of the rain, surly customers, boredom, and hunger they were a chipper trio (and I actually had a ball with them). I plied them with candy bars and sodas and imitated the more annoying individuals to keep them happy. I tried to offer helpful ideas to boost donations since I was not allowed to actually do any of the begging myself (the grocery store people and band organizers are quite particular about who does the begging). Here are some suggestions.

Guilt Inducement
1. Stand right under the downspout and get soaked so you look really bedraggled and pathetic. go for the sympathy donations. As a bonus, it also falls under the wet t-shirt clause. It's a two for one strategy!

2. Suck your cheeks in. Look hungry. Do your best Oliver Twist impersonation when someone drops a mere quarter. "Please, sir. I want some more."

3. Borrow a blind man's cane. Wear leg braces, a cervical collar or any other apparatus that conspicuously marks you as worthy of pity.

The Siren Call
4. See #1 for wet t-shirt idea.

5. Show some leg for heaven's sake! You don't expect those sweatpants to do the trick do you? Some hot pants or a mini skirt is what you need! And while you're at it, put on some heels. Fishnets wouldn't hurt either. Work it, girls!

6. Drop the sign and bend over to pick it up. Make sure you flash some cleavage when you bend over. You girls are young and firm, use what ya got!

No Excuses
7. If someone tells you they only have larger bills, let them know tens and twenties are just fine.

8. Don't have any cash at all? No problem! We accept Visa, Mastercard, AmEx,and Discover.

9. My son/daughter attends the rival school. Well, isn't it about time we build bridges instead of walls?

The Shakedown
10. Get a couple of burly guys named Guido and Sal to stand with you. "You's gots a donation tuh make!"

11. Barricade the little old ladies driving scooters. Let them know this is a toll road now.

12. Snatch a shopper's bag from his/her cart. Play 'Keep away.' "So, what is this bag of groceries worth to ya?"

Miscellaneous Methods
13. Bring your instruments and play
a. so loudly and off key that people pay you to stop or
b. so beautifully people are compelled to reward you.

14. Follow people to their cars, cling to their legs until they give you money.

15. Proclaim loudly, "You drive a BMW and you're carrying a Gucci purse and all you can cough up is a buck??!!"

I figure these little suggestions ought to boost their take quite a bit. If not, at least it will prevent me from being appointed fundraising chairperson.