Insane Asylime

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

My Nefarious Plan Is Working!

Limelette #1 is nearly 15 and has quite a list of complaints about how I have ruined her day/night/life.

I have done so by:

1. Requiring that her dirty clothes be dragged all the way to the laundry room if she wants me to wash them.
'Why do I have to do that? Can't you sort through all this mess on the floor?' No dear, not without Hazmat gear.

2. Expecting her to actually carry her clean laundry to her room and put it away in the appropriate drawers after I folded it for her.
'You know, Mom, I just want to go to bed. This is ridiculous.' Yes, I am sure an afternoon of IMing your friends, talking on the phone, and watching TV has been simply exhausting!

3. Having the audacity to interupt her TV watching to remind her the floor is not a drawer for clean clothes.
She has only seen this 'Bonanza' episode 23 times. If she misses it the 24th it might turn out differently!

4. Asking her to set the table for dinner.
This is so utterly beneath her. So common. Don't we have younger siblings who could do such menial tasks?

5. Expecting that the utensils, napkins and plates will not be haphazardly tossed on the table.
We are all so unworthy of this attention to detail and expecting it is just so burdensome and excessive.

6. Reminding her to carry her own used place setting to the sink.
Clearly I am unaware of how disgusting a used place setting is, otherwise I would never ask her to carry one to the sink, even her own.

7. Planning some extra study time with a tutor after she failed algebra.
'I can figure this out on my own, Mom! I'm not stupid!' No, sweetie you're not stupid, but if y=4, how are you coming up with 2y=6? Figuring it on your own is clearly not working.

8. Wanting her to wear a winter coat when it is 30 degrees Fahrenheit.
What insane mother would expect her child to ruin, with a coat, the smart fashion statement of blue lips and goosebumps? What madwoman would go so far as to expect a child to zipper the coat too? Next I'll ask her to wear gloves! Frostbite is so avant garde and I am ruining it all!

9. Expecting her to get to bed before midnight, given she has to be at the bus-stop by 6:30am.
Bags under the eyes and a catatonic look, along with dishevelled hair are apparently de rigeur accessorizing for the blue lips, goosebumps, and frostbite mentioned above. I'm sure it helps algebraic formulae to be well received by the grey matter too.

10. Not permitting her to subsist on Twinkies, ice cream, chocolate, and Tostitos. Expecting the occasional fruit or vegetable to cross her lips.
Her blood junk food levels will obviously dip to precipitous numbers. She may actually have functioning arteries by the age of 30 if I continue to force wholesome food on her. I am so unreasonable.

11 Comments:

  • LOL, teens.... gotta love 'em! ;)

    By Blogger bsoholic, at 9:07 AM  

  • *Heavy sigh and eye roll*
    "muuuuuuuu-theeeeeeer"
    heh heh, I heard that recently from a friend's female offspring of about 15, too much fun.
    You should check out Stuff Portrait Friday this week, I can just see you planning your crime,
    Lime in the bedroom with a massive pile of laundry, Poor Diana!

    By Blogger Ariella, at 10:33 AM  

  • LMAO!! You are SO mean!! You don't let her do anything!!

    My eyes hurt from all the rolling!!

    By Blogger snavy, at 11:22 AM  

  • Like, sheesh, mom, you are so totally, like, not with it at all!

    By Blogger barefoot_mistress, at 11:52 AM  

  • Mine is 13 and I am already hearing all this ! Isn't it great to be a member of the lowly peasant (Mothers) club ? I always ask my daughter how she thinks I feel doing it all , she says that is what I am supposed to do . I walk off mumbling the line about her having children who gives her thrice the hell she gives me ! :) You have a good day Lime !

    By Blogger Breazy, at 12:49 PM  

  • Ok, how is your daughter going to end up on Maury if you keep making her responsible?

    By Blogger Casually Me, at 4:08 PM  

  • Limelette #1 sounds like my D1. Exactly. She's a great daughter, though, so I really can't complain.

    By Blogger Fred, at 6:51 PM  

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