As Seen On A T-Shirt

"I never make mistakes. I thought I made one once. But I was mistaken."

"Everything I say is fully substantiated by my own opinion."

"I have no idea what I am doing out of bed."

"Jesus loves you. But I'm his favorite."

"Stupid people make my brain sad."

"I'm so confused, wait....maybe I'm not."

"Sarcasm, just one more service I offer."

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."

"Some days, it's just not worth chewing through the restraints."

And...just for BS:

"My Indian name is - Runs With Beer."