Insane Asylime

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Adventures in Orthodontia Part 2: Dr. Excitement Strikes Back


The day has come for braces to be applied to teeth. Dr. Excitement (complete with upside-down bowl haircut, insect eye glasses, thrift shop wardrobe, slumping posture, and Ben-Stein-is my-wildman-hero voice) greets us and ushers us into the torture chamb……..exam room. Limelette sits in the chair and Dr. E. turns to prepare goo to get a mold of Limelette's teeth. Here is how the conversation went during the procedure.

Dr. E: Glad this heat finally broke.

Me: Yes, it's been a bit brutal.

Dr. E:(pressing the mold onto Limelette's teeth) What do you think? Been hot enough for ya?

Limelette:(nodding and rolling eyes) Mmmm-hhmm.

Dr. E:(turns to rinse the mold he has extricated from Limelette's mouth) So……….uh…….Mrs. L., do you, uh, think we may be in for some more terrorism?

Me:(looking at Limelette who has a 'wtf??' look on her face and pondering the unusual query myself) Well, I suppose I'd be surprised if nothing more occurred.

(Dr. E. turns around and inserts into Limelette's mouth some sort of huge clear plastic apparatus that pulls her lips away from her teeth and gums thus contorting her face in some bizarrely wide grimace. I am thinking I might need to invest in one of these because they are damn funny to look at AND they can silence the Limelette who is now trying to stick her tongue out at me as I snicker at the sight. This makes me laugh harder. Our laughter is interrupted by a very heavy sigh from Dr. E. who then gets up and turns his back again.)

Dr. E: Yes, next time……..siiiigh….I suppose they will use nuclear weapons.

(I bury my face in my magazine trying to hide the giggles as I convulse silently. Limelette throws up her hands to punctuate her exaggerated, though contorted, 'wtf??' expression.)

Dr. E: siiiigggh….Then we'll get the refugees from NYC out here………siiiiiiiiiiigh……They'll poison us with their own radiation problems…………siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh……………I'd sooner have the damn thing land right on my head than die the slow, painful death we'll all suffer.

Me:(desperately trying to stifle guffaws as Limelette waves menacingly at me) Well, it would certainly prevent a lot of needless suffering that way.


  • When I was younger, just a bad little kid
    My mama noticed funny things I did
    Like shooting puppies with a B.B. gun
    I'd poison guppies and when I was done
    I'd find a pussycat and bash in its head
    That's when my mama said

    What did she say?

    She said, "My boy, I think someday
    You'll find a way to make your natural tendencies pay
    You'll be a dentist
    You have a talent for causing things pain
    Son, be a dentist
    People will pay you to be inhumane
    Your temperament's wrong for the priesthood
    And teaching would suit you still less
    Son, be a dentist
    You'll be a success

    Here he is, folks the leader of the plaque!
    Watch him suck up that gas!
    Oh, my god!
    He's a dentist and he'll never ever be any good
    Who wants their teeth done by the Marquis de Sade?
    Oh that hurts! I'm not numb!

    Oh, shut up. Open wide. here I come!
    I am your dentist
    Goodness gracious!
    And I enjoy the career that I picked
    I am your dentist
    And I get off on the pain I inflict
    When I start extracting those molars
    You girls will be screaming like holy rollers
    And though it may cause my patients distress
    Somewhere in heaven above me, I know that my mama's proud of me
    'Cause I'm a dentist- and a success
    Say ah! Now spit.

    Dentists are a strange breed, aren't they!?

    By Blogger barefoot_mistress, at 10:18 AM  

  • LMAO, bare. they are indeed! do ya think it is the cumulative effect of inhaling the halitosis of their patients?

    By Blogger lime, at 10:45 AM  

  • Too funny Lime - love the pic - sooooo sexy!!

    LOL @ Susie too!!

    By Blogger snavy, at 10:49 AM  

  • Golly, who knew that skipping braces as a kid deprived me of so much fodder for humor?
    Too funny.

    By Anonymous logo, at 11:29 AM  

  • GREAT picture :-)

    By Blogger Mia, at 2:30 PM  

  • oh boy....this is going to be the source of priceless entertainment

    are you sure this guys is not steve martin?

    By Blogger The Village Idiot, at 6:41 PM  

  • I bet that guy is a freak when he takes the mask off. Closet something, that's to be sure.

    By Blogger Casually Me, at 8:33 PM  

  • Happy New Year!

    By Blogger ShyRocket, at 11:41 AM  

  • What an odd man this dentist is. Oh if I had a dollar for everytime I called a dentist odd...

    By Blogger bsoholic, at 10:33 PM  

  • LMAO...your daughter is a diva comedienne in the making.

    By Anonymous Chickadee, at 11:50 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home