Insane Asylime

Friday, January 06, 2006

Adventures in Orthodontia #2: Dr. Excitement Strikes Back


This is the day the braces are finally put on. Dr. Excitement (complete with bowl haircut, thrift shop clothes, huge insect glasses and Ben-Stein-is-my-wildman-hero voice) ushered us into the torture with the dental chair and orthodontic implements. Here is how it went.

Limelette: Is this gonna take long?

Dr. E:(inserting gloved fingers in Limelette's mouth that Limelette says makes her want to vomit every time) Why? Where do you have to be?

L: (rolls eyes and considers biting, talking around fingers) Nowhere, I just wanna know.

Dr. E.: (standing up and turning to get gunk to take a mold of Limelette's teeth, sighing heavily) Sit down and relax. This will be fun.

L: Laughs heartily at his suggestion.

Dr. E.: So.....uh.....Mrs. we're in for more terrorism?

L: (Gets a 'WTF did he just say?' look on her face then tries to stifle laughter.)

Me: (burying my face in an ancient copy of 'Reader's Digest' to hide my own shock and amusement at this query, also stifling giggles) Well, um, yes. I suppose I'd be surprised if we'd seen the last of it.

Dr. E.: (his already depressed monotone takes on an even bleaker tone and he sighs even more heavily) Right........I figure next time they'll hit NYC with nukes...siiiiiiiiiigh...Then we'll get all the refugees fleeing out here...siiiiiiiiiiiigh...They'll poison us with their own radiation problems and we'll all die slow...painful deaths.

(Limelette is reclining in the chair with a clear plastic set of mouth spreader thingies contorting her face into a grotesque distended grimace that allows for zero ability to make any discernable verbalizations...remind me to ask if I can order one of these things, they are funny to look at and it might come in handy when I need her to be quiet!...His back is turned and after Dr. Excitement's last pronouncement Limelette is now convulsing as she tries to stifle guffaws. I can barely contain myself watching her and listening to him. Tears are falling down my cheeks at the absudity of it all. Limelette makes threatening hand motions to me every time I look at her.)

Dr. E: (turns around to sit down and begin working on Limelette, he brightens just a bit and sighs again) Personally.....I'd rather have the damn thing land right on my head.

Me:(stifling) Well, that would prevent a lot of needless suffering.


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