Insane Asylime

Friday, December 23, 2005

How to Pack a Stocking

I have been married for 17 years. For the last 17 years I've gotten to hear every single Christmas about how to correctly stuff a stocking. My mother-in-law swears up, down, and sideways there is only one right way to pack a stocking and I do NOT adhere to her standard. According to her, a stocking should be filled with socks, underwear, school supplies and toiletries. Each individual item, even a single pencil, should be wrapped before being stuffed (I am thinking she oughta be wrapped and stuffed, but I digress).

I, on the other hand, put an orange in the toe, an apple in the heel, then nuts on top, then candy, then whatever room is left gets fun little toys, or puzzles, or gadgets. Every year I hear about the inherent wrongness of my method and the superiority of hers. Sorry, I gotta do the fruit, nuts and candy thing. But over the years I have packed hers with toiletries, office supplies, etc, in an attempt to shut her her happy. But every year I hear about my great moral failing as a stocking stuffer.

Finally, I decided to skip the fruit and nuts and candy for her stocking. I got her a nice little 'Burt's Bees' toiletry pack, a set of pens and the mechanical pencils she likes for her crossword puzzles, and a pair of thick slipper socks. Each item was individually wrapped. This left underwear as the sole item she required for a perfectly stuffed stocking. After retreiving all the other items, she reached way into the toe of the stocking and pulled out a final tiny wrapped gift. Her face beamed in anticipation as she seemed hopeful that through years of incessant nagging I had finally been converted. Her fingers trembled as she ripped the paper away to reveal ...........

a gigantic fruit printed thong!


  • Perfect!
    Well played.

    By Blogger Logophile, at 2:16 AM  

  • LOL! Great job Lime!

    However she should know that coal fits nicely in stockings too. :P

    By Blogger bsoholic, at 8:56 AM  

  • I have stockings that I can't put up. Ok, maybe some would call them hand puppets. Damn it, they are part of my Christmas tradition. LOL. Playing. Enjoy the Holidays.

    By Blogger Casually Me, at 10:24 AM  

  • LOL, My mom always put an orange and some nuts in our stockings too! I wonder where that tradition came from?
    I'm gonna put in a tangerine for Little Rita just to keep this tradition going...
    As for the Monster....I think I know where we can stuff her stocking! :P

    By Blogger barefoot_mistress, at 11:37 AM  

  • bahahahaha!!! wtf - wrapping everything first? what is the purpose of hiding it in the stocking then?

    By Blogger Femi-mommy, at 12:48 PM  

  • Bwahahahahaha! I was going to suggest lumps of coal - individually wrapped lumps of coal! Hey! It shut my sister up! :D

    By Blogger Seamus, at 1:29 PM  

  • You didn't!!! Oh I hope you did!!! I'm living vicariously through you here!!

    Actually bought my mom a nightgown for Christmas years ago. It came with some very diaphanous thong. I didn't notice it!

    Think my nephews are still under psychiatric care because of!!

    Merry Christmas Lime! And everyone!!


    By Blogger Bridget Jones, at 9:22 PM  

  • bridget, i did, true story!

    By Blogger lime, at 11:49 PM  

  • LMAO! Way to go !

    By Blogger Breazy, at 12:32 PM  

  • OMG!!! LMAO!!!! I'll bet the expression on her face was priceless. What did she say?

    I also think she needs to lighten up. It's a STOCKING for goodness sakes. Geesh.

    By Anonymous Chickadee, at 1:39 PM  

  • Oh.. too freakin funny!!!

    By Blogger Mia, at 10:13 AM  

  • LMFAO!! Leave Mr. Lime and marry me!!!

    By Blogger snavy, at 4:57 PM  

  • (-:

    Ha! That's hilarious!

    I agree with your method of stuffing. Or at least the part where you say not every item has to be wrapped.

    By Anonymous m, at 7:48 PM  

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