Drive Sane

Snavy, hon. This is for you this week, and me next week. Just a few suggestions from the twisted mind of Lime to help you pass the drive in peace.

1. Drug the children before leaving. I've got some extra Vicodin I don't need anymore.

2. What can Brown do for you? It can crate and ship the kids (and ornery spouses)to your vacation destination or even alternate destinations if you prefer.

3. Duct tape.

4. Those clamshell luggage carriers really help you not to hear the arguments. Please stow children securely as they may shift during travel.

5. Threaten to pick up that gnarly looking hitchhiker and seat him right between the girls. You see him there? The one with the backpack that's probably full of body parts from other little kids who misbehaved in the backseat?

6. Explain, in graphic detail, the use and function of N-G tubes and catheters if they ask to stop for snacks and potty too often. Dangle the tubes from the rearview mirror as a reminder.

Happy trails!

More Sex Ed a la Lime

You all seemed to like the last post so much I thought I'd go way back in time to show you what a long standing tradition this is at Chez Lime.

Limelette #1 was in second grade. She already knew boys had sperm and girls had eggs and the two had to meet for a baby to happen. It was all very abstract. She wanted a better grasp. Mr. Lime had just had a vasectomy and was laying on the couch with an ice pack in his crotch.

Mommy, why did Daddy have to have surgery if he wasn't sick or hurt?

He had a special surgery so we don't have any more babies.

Well, what did they operate on?

Mr. Lime groans, 'We are not having this discussion...'

Yes dear we are. Honest questions get honest answers. They cut the tubes that let the sperm come out of his body.

Where are the tubes?

Inside his privates.

So where do the sperms come out?

Through his penis.

When he goes pee?

No, at times when Mommy and Daddy are alone together.

How do the sperms get to the egg, exactly?

Well, where does the baby come out?

(Limelette's wheels begin to turn and a look of revulsion comes over her.) You don't mean your butts have to touch????!!!!

Yep, they do in a manner of speaking.

EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! That's disgusting!

Groans from Mr. Lime on the couch followed.