Insane Asylime

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

How to Deter Your Daughter's Suitor

1. Ignore basic hygeine. When he comes to the door shake his hand after blowing a snotrocket at his feet.

2. Ignore basic hygeine. When he comes to the door wrap a leg around him and french kiss him. Bonus points for getting your husband to use this technique.

3. Offer to show him the stretchmarks your daughter gave you during pregnancy. Remind him of the role of genetics.

4. When he arrives, loudly call upstairs to ask your daughter if her herpes is still flared up.

5. Engage him in a stimulating conversation about favorite movies. Let him know how much you loved Psycho and Misery and how you admire the lead characters.

6. Greet him at the door carrying a bloody meat cleaver.

7. When conversing with him, address the voices in your head. No, we can't stuff his body in the closet. There's no room. Don't you remember last week?

8. Instead of shaking his hand grab his package and make one of the following remarks. I'm sorry, you are woefully inadequate. OR I'm sorry you are far too well endowed, we need to remedy this

9. Insist that the first date be to go visit relatives that are either incarcerated or safely locked away in padded cells.

10. Invite him to dinner. Finish cooking while feigning a hacking cough. Continue hacking and coughing as you serve the meal. Mention how you are so glad to be back from the tuberculosis colony.

12 Comments:

  • LOL! All are great, but 5 & 6 would be awesome to see in action.

    By Blogger bsoholic, at 2:32 PM  

  • I think number 6 would handle everything.

    By Blogger barefoot_mistress, at 7:18 PM  

  • ohhhhhhhhhhhhh tell me you combined 6 with 8???

    By Blogger Bridget Jones, at 8:30 PM  

  • so glad I have boooooooys!
    :-p

    By Anonymous logo, at 9:15 PM  

  • LOL...uh-oh. Soooo how are things going in the house with the new boyfriend? ;)

    By Anonymous Chickadee, at 11:13 PM  

  • LMAO - I'm saving these for later ...

    By Blogger snavy, at 2:31 PM  

  • Poor young men will still show up, they will just now be the clever ones that show up...good luck...lol

    By Blogger Casually Me, at 7:32 PM  

  • 4 is my fav! LOL.. and then turn to him and tell him, "ya know, there's no cure for Herpes.."

    By Blogger DaMasta, at 11:06 PM  

  • I will have to remember those!

    By Blogger LeighAnn, at 12:39 AM  

  • 'About face'on this one. My darling and I have five sons, most of the other peoples daughters whom they tied the knot with were in the main a worthless bunch, pretty! yes but their parents no doubt were pleased to be rid of them. On one occasion our third son David was presented with flowers, these were sent by his Ma in Law via one ditched daughter, a good try that failed, who ever heard of giving flowers to a bloke.

    By Blogger Vest, at 5:42 PM  

  • Cute. :)

    Wren

    By Anonymous Wren, at 8:37 AM  

  • see..I don't have daughters. I am gonna miss out on all that fun.

    You forgot to mention..show them the rifle she knows how to field strip and put back together along with the body in the closet comment

    By Blogger The Village Idiot, at 11:46 AM  

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