Insane Asylime

Monday, March 06, 2006

Application for Permission to Date my Daughter

Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, current medical report from your MD, psychological profile, police background check, military history and education, insurance company and type of policies.

1. Name
2. DOB
3. Height/weight
4. IQ/GPA
5. Social security #
6. Driver's License
7. Boy Scout rank
8. Do you own a van, truck with ovrsized tires, or a waterbed?
9. In 50 words or less, define the word LATE
10. In 50 words or less, explain the meaning of DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER
11. In 50 words or less, define ABSTINENCE
12. Name of the church which you attend and how often per week you attend. Please attach a notarized letter of reference from your clergyman.
13. When is the best time to interview your parents and your clergyman?
14. Which testicle will be given as collateral?
15. Fill in the blanks
a. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is......
b. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my......
c. A woman's place is in the.....
d. The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask me about is.....
e. When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice first is........(note: If answer begins with T or A discontinue. Leaving the premises, keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
16. What do you want to be if you grow up?

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND ACCURATE TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKES, AND MORTAL EMBARASSMENT.

Signature_____________________

thank you for your interest. Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will be contacted in writiing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write until notified. If your application is rejected you may reapply again in 5 years.

I received this form from a friend who has found it most effective. To see the reason this form is necessary please visit House of Lime

10 Comments:

  • This will come in handy...

    By Blogger snavy, at 10:50 AM  

  • LOL, and above all, please have your daughter's father practice "the handshake of death" and the "touch her and you'll die" stare.

    LOL

    By Blogger barefoot_mistress, at 11:34 AM  

  • hey lime, for some reason my computer is not letting me go to your regular blog, I am so bummed. glad I could touch base with you here.

    By Blogger Jodes, at 12:33 PM  

  • LOL!

    Don't worry about what Jodes said there (no offense to Jodes), but a bunch of blogs were having that problem this morning including my own. All seems to be fixed now though. Yay blogger. *rolls eyes*

    By Blogger bsoholic, at 1:46 PM  

  • LMAO! This is funny. Wait, this was meant to be funny, right?

    By Blogger BTExpress, at 3:24 PM  

  • I'd like to add:

    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a clueless has-been - but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    And

    I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    By Blogger snavy, at 4:14 PM  

  • Glad I never had one of those, a daughter that is. I would not allow her out of the house until she was the age of consent, for a daughter I think that's 75.

    By Blogger Casually Me, at 8:52 PM  

  • May I just say,
    thank heavens for little boys!
    snicker snicker

    By Blogger Logophile, at 10:19 PM  

  • This is seriously priceless!

    I always had two more questions:
    (1) Do you like animals?
    (b)Do you like my slavering-fanged king shepherd?
    (2) Do you have a sense of humor?
    (b) If you think I am being funny, your application is forthwith denied.

    By Blogger Bernita, at 8:35 AM  

  • OMG I am still rolling. I have a GORGEOUS daughter turning 20 in October and THIS just EXACTLY sums up how you tend to feel about your baby LOL!

    By Blogger Brad, at 12:12 AM  

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