Insane Asylime

Friday, March 03, 2006

Why Women Are Crabby

We started to "bud" in out blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner).Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn’t even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod pierce your uterus through your nostrils (and that’s IF he did it right and didn’t end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over the toilet. Of course, being the amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angles inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary’s Baby. Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we peed our pants every time we sneezed.

When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the Mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says,"Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hear-me-roar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)." warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch both the fucking doctor and your husband square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask, WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men? When men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life’s cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks. . .

So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood” would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby.

Women are the “Weaker Sex?” Yeah right.

Bite me.

Thanks for the email mum!

13 Comments:

  • Oh thank goodness for C sections.....no bursting apart here.
    Wow Snavs......um, I dont know what to say.....is it really all that bad?

    XXXX

    By Blogger barefoot_mistress, at 10:41 AM  

  • Bare - it was an emailed joke forwarded to me from my mom - lol.

    But... I've had a C section and a regular delivery - the C section was horrible - would rather have had the twins the naturally.

    By Blogger snavy, at 10:46 AM  

  • WOW! You got that down!!

    By Blogger LeighAnn, at 11:13 AM  

  • I recieved this in email a couple of months ago and I loved it ! Explains everything perfectly . I , thank God , didn't have to have a c-section , give me natural(no drugs) any day ! Have a good weekend Snavs!

    By Blogger Breazy, at 1:00 PM  

  • Let me explain things from a male point of view. I have had three kids, never gained any weight, and never felt any pain...so I think women are faking it. First time having sex..Yes that hurt a bit...but it was prison..and those guys are not know to be gentle. That whole period thing is so over rated...just an excuse for three days of misery for the undeserving males in your lives. LOL. Can you see why I have been divorced twice? I am kidding of course...

    By Blogger Casually Me, at 2:42 PM  

  • Kill him,
    or at least throw something at him.

    By Blogger Logophile, at 2:50 PM  

  • ROFLMAO!!!! and loosing bladder control in the process......oh lordy that was priceless. wtg mother of snavy and ty snavy for sharing this wisdom with us all!

    may i just say as the mother of teens........think terrible twos hopped up on hormones!

    By Blogger lime, at 3:28 PM  

  • That's very funny and very true! Thanks!

    By Blogger Solitaire, at 6:43 PM  

  • OK, Casually Me, it's not ok to make me laugh this much at 8 am , causing my diet coke to come out of my nostrils! :P

    Glad its jut an email, Snavs, and not your reality....

    Seems like some women have such a tough time with C sections...I think because Little Rita was just 3 pounds and 8 weeks early is why it was so easy for me....would've loved to have her come out the proper way, but that wasm't going to happen!

    I am so glad you didnt write that, you got me all worried! XXX

    By Blogger barefoot_mistress, at 11:25 AM  

  • OHHHH that was GREAT!!! Thanks Limey!!!

    By Blogger Bridget Jones, at 11:29 AM  

  • After spending 14 hours pushing, screaming, swearing and crying the Dr. finally decided to give me an "emergency C-section." I always wondered if it was because I was completely homicidal at that point and she was afraid for her life and that of my husband!

    Thanks for the much needed laugh, my ribs are freakin' killing me!

    By Blogger Miss Innocent, at 1:48 PM  

  • Us guys would never make it.

    By Blogger Rat In A Cage, at 4:14 PM  

  • My gran told me that to understand teenagers take the 1 of the front of their age & they will behave the same.

    So at 2 & 12, 3 & 13 etc. I'm looking forward to..... well.... them moving out :-)

    By Blogger Blue, at 4:05 AM  

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