Things Not to Say to Your Wife
1. When you've purchased a $600 compound miter saw with every bell and whistle imaginable do not caress it more lovingly than you caress your wife and state, "This is better than sex!
(I responded with, "If it's teeth you want on your manhood, I can oblige.")
2. When you see the child your wife carries in her womb move for the first time do not exclaim, "Cool! It's just like 'Alien!'"
3. If your wife is adopted do not announce in front of her family that you are taking her on faith because there is no birthmother to look at and see what your wife will resemble in 30 years.
(She will likely tell you she is taking you on faith that you DON'T wind up looking like YOUR father... 300 lbs, 4 teeth, and 1 eye)
4. When she hugs you do not ask, "Are we done yet?"
5. When you meet her at a bar after work and you decide to leave while she is still finishing her meal do not instruct the bartender to 'Make sure she doesn't pick up any scumbags.' She may be tempted to take up with the gnarliest Hell's Angel out of spite.
(I responded with, "If it's teeth you want on your manhood, I can oblige.")
2. When you see the child your wife carries in her womb move for the first time do not exclaim, "Cool! It's just like 'Alien!'"
3. If your wife is adopted do not announce in front of her family that you are taking her on faith because there is no birthmother to look at and see what your wife will resemble in 30 years.
(She will likely tell you she is taking you on faith that you DON'T wind up looking like YOUR father... 300 lbs, 4 teeth, and 1 eye)
4. When she hugs you do not ask, "Are we done yet?"
5. When you meet her at a bar after work and you decide to leave while she is still finishing her meal do not instruct the bartender to 'Make sure she doesn't pick up any scumbags.' She may be tempted to take up with the gnarliest Hell's Angel out of spite.
posted by lime at
12:15 PM
9 Comments:
thats almost as good as if you were being woken up and responded with
How do you expect me to get any sleep?
By
The Village Idiot, at 12:50 PM
Or if you're in bed, and say "come here, hunny" and he replies, "for what?"
By
DaMasta, at 9:00 PM
He, like my hubby, must have forgotten to buy the book ... "Things NOT to say to your wife."
I swear ... I'll smack yours if you smack mine. Like strangers on a train without the death part...
By
Stephanie, at 9:13 PM
LOL, I think
By
S, at 10:32 PM
number one,
I would have wanted to say,
"Oh really? Give me the credit card then, I'm gonna run to the store and get some action too, sure as hell isn't any good stuff happening around HERE."
Wait, is that unkind?
By
Logophile, at 2:28 AM
"When you see the child your wife carries in her womb move for the first time do not exclaim, "Cool! It's just like 'Alien!'""
Actually, that's kinda funny...
By
NWJR, at 5:43 PM
I don't get it. What exactly did he say that was wrong? I mean come on. In the bar, he was just concerned that you don't meet up with any dangerous guys.
Geese! You gals are really hard to figure out. Next thing you know, "bring me a beer woman" will piss you off too.
By
BTExpress, at 12:27 AM
Tell me these didn't happen to you..
By
Unknown, at 4:12 AM
She say's to him.
'Iv'e just paid 300 bucks for a breast enlargement procedure'
'Waste of time and money' say's he, 'all you need is a few sheets of toilet paper to rub between your breasts twice a day'.
'Thats silly and can't possibly work' say's she.
'Oh yes it can'say's he,'just look at the size of your arse'.
By
Vest, at 5:28 PM
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