Insane Asylime

Ok, so it's March 30....

2007-03-30T11:20:00.000-04:00

...and I have to post, just because...

Why...

2007-02-13T09:15:00.000-05:00

...am I STILL being subjected to football games when every bowl game known to mankind has been played? When do I get a reprieve from this??

As if real life weren't bad enough...

2007-01-26T13:11:00.000-05:00

...now blogger is doing forced conversions. Doesn't this violate some fundamental freedoms? I'm just sayin'.

Same S#!%, New Year

2007-01-01T22:00:00.000-05:00

The 13 year old Limelette was storming around having a temper tantrum. Daddy read her the riot act and sent her to bed. He proceeded to rant and rave at everyone else who was behaving decently. I asked what his problem was. He said he was tired of 13 year olds acting like 3 year olds. I said, 'So you take that out on the rest of us?' He snarled, 'Yes.' I wondered aloud if it was considered less tiresome for a 43 year old to act like a 3 year old. He was not amused.

Just in Case...

2006-12-07T09:16:00.000-05:00

Just in case neither of us has anything to post that would actually demonstrate the questionable sanity of either of us or our families I will make this post. You know how we feel about sidebars that are lacking. It could just be what pushes one of us over the edge and leads to untold suffering in the Northeast USA. You really wouldn't want that on your heads would you? Everyone owes Susie a debt of gratitude for reminding us.

It has come to my attention...

2006-11-29T08:44:00.000-05:00

that neither of us has posted for November. It would bother me to look in the sidebar and not have this month appear in the archives. Poor neglected November would goof up the neatness of the archiving. I just can't have that. My desk can look like a perpetual avalanche threat but my sidebar has to be neat.

Howzat??

2006-10-16T09:10:00.000-04:00

Before dinner...

Limelette #1: Mom, you need a haircut. You look like some wild, drugged-out hippy with that mop of hair.

Me: Deal with it.

#1: Why are you making chili for dinner? You know how much I hate that!

Me: Feel free to plan the menu, shop, and cook if you are not satisfied by my efforts.

#1: Mom, turn off that horrible salsa music and for heavens sake STOP dancing around the kitchen. Mothers should not shake their butts like that.

Me: (turning up the volume and dancing with more vigor)

After dinner......

#1: Mom, I can't believe you'd go out in public like that. Would you please put on something that looks like it is not from 30 years ago.

Me: You have a problem with dashikis? Why don't you go change your shirt before we leave, kiddo. You got chili on it.

#1: WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS CRITICIZING ME??????

Attention Please ... Again

2006-10-13T11:04:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, and I did not forget, was Lime's birthday.

In honor of said birthday, there was a little quiz made up about her by her beloved friends.

So, if you haven't already, go wish her a happy b-day one day late and take this Lime-tastic Quiz to see if you know her as well as you think you might.

How to Induce Apoplexy

2006-10-05T15:35:00.000-04:00

If you are an 11 year old limelet seeking to give your mother a stroke simply leave your brand new $225 bifocal glasses on the bleachers in gym class and don't think about them until you get home.....you know, the glases she just bought to replace the $300 pair with the frame you snapped, the ones the optician said could not be repaired...

Attention please ...

2006-09-21T19:57:00.000-04:00

Four days ago, the Insane Asylime turned one!!

And, we both forgot!

We are terrible bloggers.

Bad Snavy!
Naughty Lime!

Happy Bithday Insane Asylime!!
It's been crazy!!

What a Charmer

2006-09-15T21:39:00.000-04:00

Limelet #3 (age 11, male): Hey, Mom, guess what song I can fart to!

Me: Uuuhhh, I can't begin to imagine the necessary range of pitches eking outta yer butt for that.

#3: No!!! Listen! Guess what it is! (His cupped hand is inserted into his sweaty armpit as he flaps an arm like a beheaded chicken. His face contorts into expressions of rock star rapture.) Didja hear it? Didja??

Me: Uuumm, it was impressive in it's power but difficult to catch the tune.

#3: (incredulous) Moooooommm, it was Sweet Home Alabama!

Who is crazier, the kid who comes up with this or the mother who finds it amusing?

Alrighty Then....

2006-08-28T12:50:00.000-04:00

So we are driving down the road and my son unwinds his window. He then sticks his head out the window and stays like that for a couple of miles. Occasionally he asks me to pick up the speed a bit.

He pulls his head back in the car and laughs, 'Cool I got drool on my shirt.'

I look in the rearview and ask what the heck he meant by all of that.

He looks at me like I have three heads and tells me, 'Well Mom, I was trying to see why it is that dogs like to ride in cars that way. It was pretty fun, but I wish my ears and tongue were longer so they could flap around in the wind. Might make it more fun.'

Vacation My Ass!!

2006-08-04T14:21:00.000-04:00

Starting tomorrow, I get to spend 2 weeks with my in-laws!!

That part is actually pretty nice - I love them (most of the time).

But, it's not really a vacation for me.

I still get to do everything I do at home but now there's sand and ocean which are not my favorite.

However, my kids love it.

So, off to the beach I go. Where every morning, sunscreen must be applied by me before the kids step outside. Then every couple of hours, reapplied by me.

I have no idea why Mr. Snavy cannot help with this task but he doesn't. He's even so kind as to remind me when it's time for me to reapply the lotion. What a prince.

Also, during this vacation, I want to maintain my weight. That means no clam cakes, creamy chowder or fried seafood of any kind.

Sigh ...

Hello Mudda

2006-07-16T19:02:00.000-04:00

Limelette #1 headed off to camp on Saturday. This is her 4th year so we are old hat at this. The first year she went I was pleasantly surprised when she emailed me. She's not exactly highly communicative and has never been the type to get very homesick. The email was a bit odd and went something like this:

Hi Mom,
Having fun, wish you were here and all that crap. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO.
byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,
Limelette

to which I responded...

Darling,
It was lovely to hear from you. Clearly you are on drugs. I hope the counselors are at least showing you good technique in your usage. Gotta love church camp.
Your loving,
Mom

Mommeeeeeeeee,
Do you miss meeeeeeeeeeeee?
Limelette

Sweetheart,
Terribly. I'd be wailing and gnashing my teeth but I've been so busy trying to clean up after the wandering band of gypsies who have rented your room. Their camel really stinks. I think the smell should be gone in a couple months. I'm not sure I can get the stains off the carpet.
Woefully,
Mom

mom,
you are so weird.
l

honeypieschmutzfacesweetums,
this is news to you?
m

no

Here's to another great week of camp for her.

KP Duty

2006-07-12T17:21:00.000-04:00

The Limelettes and I were away for 4 days. We enjoyed the beach in Maryland while my boy Limelet is in SC. Mr. Lime, unfortunately had to stay home.

Upon my return home I noticed that the dishwasher I had packed and started to run just before departing was as yet unpacked. The sink was filled with dirty dishes and every counter was full of food and beverage residues...FOUR DAYS worth of residues and dirty dishes. I suspect Mr. Lime is afraid that proximity to the kitchen may adversely affect his virility.

I would like to note the state of my kitchen was as a result of the actions of a man who cannot deal with the perpetual avalanche-waiting-to-happen look my desk generally displays. May I point out that my desk will not draw mice and ants. Nor will it serve as a petri dish for bacteria which may mutate into something which could be used as a biological weapon.

I am now calling upon all readers to submit testimonials of a very specific sort. I would like any of my gentlemen readers who have ever cooked in a kitchen or cleaned up a kitchen and yet still are in posession of original and fully functional genitalia to please give testimony of such in the comments. If your wife/girlfriend/any female has ever regarded the aforementioned activities as foreplay and rewarded such behavior with mind alteringly fabulous sex please include a note to that effect. Ladies, if you are the wife/girlfriend of a man who can find the kitchen without GPS/who cooks/washes dishes and who is still able to satisfy your sexual needs please do tell.

Drive Sane

2006-06-30T14:26:00.000-04:00

Snavy, hon. This is for you this week, and me next week. Just a few suggestions from the twisted mind of Lime to help you pass the drive in peace.

1. Drug the children before leaving. I've got some extra Vicodin I don't need anymore.

2. What can Brown do for you? It can crate and ship the kids (and ornery spouses)to your vacation destination or even alternate destinations if you prefer.

3. Duct tape.

4. Those clamshell luggage carriers really help you not to hear the arguments. Please stow children securely as they may shift during travel.

5. Threaten to pick up that gnarly looking hitchhiker and seat him right between the girls. You see him there? The one with the backpack that's probably full of body parts from other little kids who misbehaved in the backseat?

6. Explain, in graphic detail, the use and function of N-G tubes and catheters if they ask to stop for snacks and potty too often. Dangle the tubes from the rearview mirror as a reminder.

Happy trails!

More Sex Ed a la Lime

2006-06-09T18:15:00.000-04:00

You all seemed to like the last post so much I thought I'd go way back in time to show you what a long standing tradition this is at Chez Lime.

Limelette #1 was in second grade. She already knew boys had sperm and girls had eggs and the two had to meet for a baby to happen. It was all very abstract. She wanted a better grasp. Mr. Lime had just had a vasectomy and was laying on the couch with an ice pack in his crotch.

Mommy, why did Daddy have to have surgery if he wasn't sick or hurt?

He had a special surgery so we don't have any more babies.

Well, what did they operate on?

Mr. Lime groans, 'We are not having this discussion...'

Yes dear we are. Honest questions get honest answers. They cut the tubes that let the sperm come out of his body.

Where are the tubes?

Inside his privates.

So where do the sperms come out?

Through his penis.

When he goes pee?

No, at times when Mommy and Daddy are alone together.

How do the sperms get to the egg, exactly?

Well, where does the baby come out?

(Limelette's wheels begin to turn and a look of revulsion comes over her.) You don't mean your butts have to touch????!!!!

Yep, they do in a manner of speaking.

EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! That's disgusting!

Groans from Mr. Lime on the couch followed.

Overheard in the Asylime

2006-05-31T16:51:00.000-04:00

Limelette#1 (F,age 15): (watching tv) It makes no sense when a girl is in a bubble bath, that a guy in a suit and shoes climbs in the tub, ruins his clothes and gets mud in the tub. So not romantic.

Mother Lime: Right, he should climb in nekkid.

#1: Yep, forget all that foreplay crap, let's get to business.

ML: Whoa! Back up! Foreplay is a very good thing.

#1: Well, when you're married you don't really need it right? Cuz you can just go at it any time you want.

ML: Kiddo, you need it more than ever then.

Limelet#3 (M, age 10): What's foreplay?

#1: First, second, and third bases.

#3: We're playing baseball?

ML: No, it's all the stuff before sex.

#3: Like what?

ML: Hugging, kissing, touching.

#3: Yuck! That THEN sex?? Gross! I need to go roll in mud or sumthin now.

ML: Ok, just don't climb in the tub till yer nekkid.

#1: You people are insane.

Pardon me but ...

2006-05-26T15:44:00.001-04:00

Did someone say LLAMA???

2006-05-25T22:25:00.000-04:00

We apologise for the fault in the post which has been deleted. Those responsible have been sacked.

Mind you, Lime bites can be nasty.

We apologise again for the fault in this post. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked, have been sacked.

Snavy bites can be nasty too. Once Lime and Snavy bit my sister...

The directors of the firm hired to continue the posts after the other people had been sacked, wish it to be known that they have just been sacked. This post has been completed in an entirely different style at great expense and at the last minute.

2006-05-07T12:33:00.000-04:00

Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy. ~ Nora Ephron

You have got to be freaking kidding me??

2006-04-28T16:17:00.000-04:00

I just paid $50.00 to fill my mom-mobile!!!!

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

2006-04-25T10:41:00.000-04:00

Today's t-shirt is presented by the devastatingly delicious Damasta!!

The Story

2006-04-24T08:45:00.000-04:00

Here are a few alternative stories for how I broke my arm.

I was scuba diving off the Great Barrier Reef when attacked by a 12 ft great white shark. After it bit my left arm I poked out its eyes with my right, killed it with a knife I had strapped to my leg, and dragged it back to shore for a feast.
I had to stop a runaway train from smashing into a carload of orphans which had stalled on the tracks. The arm was a small price to pay for saving them.
Really rough sex. If you think my arm is bad you should see my partner.
I picked a fight with Chuck Norris. Yeah, I have my limitations. He whupped my ass.
I was the stunt double for Harrison Ford when the stone wall crashes down just after he retrieves his hat. The set designers had not worked out all the kinks yet.
I was the stunt double for Harrison Ford when he dangles out the back of Airforce One at 30,000 ft. Again, someone on the set is out to get me.
I was hunting grizzlies and got caught in a steel jaw trap. I pried it open with my teeth and hiked 10 miles to the nearest road.

Well, the drugs sure do make for grand hallucinations don't they?

The Problem

2006-04-21T13:36:00.000-04:00

See, we're actually not that big a part of the problem...

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

2006-04-18T11:15:00.000-04:00

Today's t-shirt is presented by the pulchritudinous Logo.
To find out more about her and why we love her so, go see her at It Really Is A Dog's Life where you can take a fun Trivia Quiz and learn all about boys and their equipment.

Also, check out her loving concern for us all over here.

Death & Taxes

2006-04-14T12:44:00.000-04:00

A newly deceased man, David, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. David decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.

So off he goes with an ugly, stupid woman, while he pretends to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Steve up ahead - with an even uglier woman. When he asks what's going on, Steve
replies, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money." They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

David, Steve, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Don up ahead. He is with an absolutely gorgeous woman who looks like a supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, David and Steve approach the man and discover that it is their friend Don. They ask him how he got this unbelievable goddess, while they're stuck with these God-awful women.

Don replies, "I have no idea, but I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have had five years of the best sex any man could hope to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. Everytime we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes!"

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

2006-04-11T11:19:00.000-04:00

Height Chart

2006-04-09T15:10:00.000-04:00

-I dare not go without a bra unless I want two black eyes, whiplash, and bruised hips.

-When I lay on my back my breasts disappear into my armpits. It's like the parting of the red sea. And for my next magical trick...

-To the tune of 'Do your Ears Hang Low'
Do your boobs hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can ya tie 'em in a knot?
Can ya tie 'em in a bow?
Can ya throw 'em over your shoulder like a Continental soldier?
Do your ears hang low?

-My breasts are racing each other to see which one can reach my knees first.

-I am past the mere need of underwire, onto hydraulics!

This Is Crazy

2006-04-07T14:18:00.000-04:00

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and
make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
right hand.

Could you???

2006-04-05T11:46:00.000-04:00

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

2006-04-04T11:15:00.000-04:00

Looking into the Crystal Ball

2006-04-01T11:29:00.000-05:00

At dinner, one of the Limelettes asked to borrow some money. I asked what had happened to the babysitting money she had earned not long ago. She told me she had spent it all. I suggested perhaps a bit of discipline and learning to save a bit would be wise.

At this point, Limelet #3 chimed in and announced he had $48 of birthday money in his wallet. Keep in mind his birthday was in September. I commented enthusiusastically that he'd never be in debt if he keept being able to save money like that.

It was more than Limelette #1 could bear and she retorted, 'Yeah, that's because he'll decide to live in a one room apartment with a lawn chair and bathe in the sink at the gas station!'

Things Not to Say to Your Wife

2006-03-29T12:15:00.000-05:00

1. When you've purchased a $600 compound miter saw with every bell and whistle imaginable do not caress it more lovingly than you caress your wife and state, "This is better than sex!
(I responded with, "If it's teeth you want on your manhood, I can oblige.")

2. When you see the child your wife carries in her womb move for the first time do not exclaim, "Cool! It's just like 'Alien!'"

3. If your wife is adopted do not announce in front of her family that you are taking her on faith because there is no birthmother to look at and see what your wife will resemble in 30 years.
(She will likely tell you she is taking you on faith that you DON'T wind up looking like YOUR father... 300 lbs, 4 teeth, and 1 eye)

4. When she hugs you do not ask, "Are we done yet?"

5. When you meet her at a bar after work and you decide to leave while she is still finishing her meal do not instruct the bartender to 'Make sure she doesn't pick up any scumbags.' She may be tempted to take up with the gnarliest Hell's Angel out of spite.

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

2006-03-28T22:30:00.000-05:00

"Which one do you think I am?"

"Discover wildlife ... raise twins."

"I'm glad they are mine and not yours too."

And, just to set the record straight:

"Yes, they are twins.
Yes, they are identical.
Yes, I can tell them apart."

Check out Snav's World to see the reason for the twin theme.

My Philosophy On Housecleaning

2006-03-23T12:27:00.000-05:00

I don't do windows because ...
I love birds and don't want
one to run into a clean window
and get hurt.

I don't wax floors because ...
I am terrified a guest
will slip and get hurt
then I'll feel terrible.
(plus they may sue me.)

I don't mind the dust bunnies because ...
They are very good company,
I have named most of them,
and they agree with everything I say.

I don't disturb cobwebs because ...
I want every creature
to have a home of their own.

I don't Spring Clean because ...
I love all the seasons and don't
want the others to get jealous.

I don't pull weeds in the garden because ..
I don't want to get in God's way,
HE is an excellent designer!

I don't put things away because ...
My husband will never be able
to find them again.

I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ...
I don't want my guests to stress
out over what to make when they
invite me over for dinner.

I don't iron because ...
I choose to believe them
when they say "Permanent Press"

I don't stress much on anything because ...
"A Type" personalities die young
and I want to stick around till I
can afford to hire someone to do the
housework for me.

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

2006-03-21T10:51:00.000-05:00

How to Deter Your Daughter's Suitor

2006-03-15T14:19:00.000-05:00

1. Ignore basic hygeine. When he comes to the door shake his hand after blowing a snotrocket at his feet.

2. Ignore basic hygeine. When he comes to the door wrap a leg around him and french kiss him. Bonus points for getting your husband to use this technique.

3. Offer to show him the stretchmarks your daughter gave you during pregnancy. Remind him of the role of genetics.

4. When he arrives, loudly call upstairs to ask your daughter if her herpes is still flared up.

5. Engage him in a stimulating conversation about favorite movies. Let him know how much you loved Psycho and Misery and how you admire the lead characters.

6. Greet him at the door carrying a bloody meat cleaver.

7. When conversing with him, address the voices in your head. No, we can't stuff his body in the closet. There's no room. Don't you remember last week?

8. Instead of shaking his hand grab his package and make one of the following remarks. I'm sorry, you are woefully inadequate. OR I'm sorry you are far too well endowed, we need to remedy this

9. Insist that the first date be to go visit relatives that are either incarcerated or safely locked away in padded cells.

10. Invite him to dinner. Finish cooking while feigning a hacking cough. Continue hacking and coughing as you serve the meal. Mention how you are so glad to be back from the tuberculosis colony.

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

2006-03-14T11:58:00.000-05:00

I could not post today, apparently Blogger wanted us topless....

Which only goes to show that Blogger is indeed male.

How to Make a Man Faint

2006-03-13T07:29:00.000-05:00

Buy his 12 year old daughter one of these.

My daughter, the stylist

2006-03-10T10:07:00.000-05:00

I bought myself a new pair of jeans. Now those who know me know I am no slave to fashion. I dig my birkenstocks and tie-dye and batik and other weird ethnic things. I am slow to follow trends so it was only within the last week that I finally obtained my first pair of boot cut jeans (well ok, back in the day I had my bell bottoms, but that was 100 years ago). They were on sale, they were comfy, they were not low slung, I was feeling bold. Oh, and did I mention that Limelette #1, who is not given to lavishing compliments, actually said with enthusiasm and without being asked, 'They make your butt look great, Mom!' SOLD!!! All I can say is the store owes her some commission.

The next day I put them on. Limelette #2 immediately noticed. She is the family stylist, or tries to be. Sadly, I think we are beyond redemption. I don't know where she gets her fashion sense. Her father was grunge before it was a fasion statement. I alternate between hippie and frump. This kid looks up to date and like she stepped out of a fashion magazine all the time.

As I said, her radar zeroed in on my new jeans in a nanosecond. 'Wow, Mom! New jeans and they are bootcut!' she remarked as she slowly walked around me eyeing me up and down. 'Mom, I'm really proud of you!' In a low voice she added, 'You know, those other jeans are just soooo 80s. The straight legs, ugh! I mean really, all they needed were some bleach stains and distressing to make it even worse. I really think you should get rid of them now and invest in more of these. And by the way...Your butt looks great!'

She backed up, eyed me up again and added, 'We need to get you some nice shoes now and some cute shirts. I think I really need to have a look in your closet so we can avoid a few fashion don'ts. Oh, and now that you are thinking more fashionably, I think you should consider dying your hair too.'

Not a chance, kiddo.

The Joys of Optometry AND Adventures in Orthodontia #4

2006-03-08T06:55:00.000-05:00

Monday, Limelette #1 had a double whammy. First she had to see the eye doctor, then she had to go to the orthodontist. After the eye exam we were informed a mild prescription for glasses would be a good idea. Limelette was NOT happy. As we stood looking at frames for glasses she remarked loudly and with considerable exasperation, 'Great! I have frizzy red hair, freckles, pimples, braces and NOW I get to wear glasses! Thanks for that great set of genes, Mother!'

Forgive me for being a really bad mom, but her assessment cracked me up. I doubled over laughing and said , 'Wait until that stretchmark gene kicks in. You're gonna LOVE that one!'

Next, we had to see every reader's favorite orthdontist, Dr. Excitement (That nasal, bug-eyed glasses, Ben-Stein-is-my-wildman-hero, conspiracy theorist we've all come to know and love). Limelette was already in a bad mood due to the visit with the eye doctor. She snarled at Dr. E. He worked quickly because I think he knew by her look that he risked loosing a finger otherwise.

The poor kid got an extra wire, all three of them tightened, and spacers put in the bottom. He asked what color bands she wanted and she growled, "Black! Like my mood!' He whined back, 'Sorry, I'm all out of black.' Her eyes rolled audibly as she declared how the entire universe was against her.

I have to give him credit for trying to be cheerful. I mean, he did mention the threat of China, Iran, and let's not forget North Korea. I suppose braces are pretty small compared to the threat of nuclear war. Oh, and then there was the plan to dredge harbors and dump all the sludge right here in the Poconos. He punctuated that fun fact with a bright-eyed look and the word 'Yummy!' He considered the various mutations that might arise from the resulting contamination of ground water. That guy, he always knows how to make it all better.

EPILOGUE: Because her mouth was hurting so much and she didn't want to even eat the very soft dinner I had planned just for her, I bought her a milkshake. When we got home I offered her some Ibuprofen. Ever the charmer, she said, 'Thanks, now I can go from my face being devastatingly painful (Oh WHY does she hand me lines like this???? I did resist the temptation though) to merely feeling like it will explode.'

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

2006-03-07T09:50:00.000-05:00

Application for Permission to Date my Daughter

2006-03-06T09:35:00.000-05:00

Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, current medical report from your MD, psychological profile, police background check, military history and education, insurance company and type of policies.

1. Name
2. DOB
3. Height/weight
4. IQ/GPA
5. Social security #
6. Driver's License
7. Boy Scout rank
8. Do you own a van, truck with ovrsized tires, or a waterbed?
9. In 50 words or less, define the word LATE
10. In 50 words or less, explain the meaning of DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER
11. In 50 words or less, define ABSTINENCE
12. Name of the church which you attend and how often per week you attend. Please attach a notarized letter of reference from your clergyman.
13. When is the best time to interview your parents and your clergyman?
14. Which testicle will be given as collateral?
15. Fill in the blanks
a. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is......
b. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my......
c. A woman's place is in the.....
d. The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask me about is.....
e. When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice first is........(note: If answer begins with T or A discontinue. Leaving the premises, keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
16. What do you want to be if you grow up?

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND ACCURATE TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKES, AND MORTAL EMBARASSMENT.

Signature_____________________

thank you for your interest. Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will be contacted in writiing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write until notified. If your application is rejected you may reapply again in 5 years.

I received this form from a friend who has found it most effective. To see the reason this form is necessary please visit House of Lime

Why Women Are Crabby

2006-03-03T09:05:00.000-05:00

We started to "bud" in out blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner).Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn’t even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod pierce your uterus through your nostrils (and that’s IF he did it right and didn’t end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over the toilet. Of course, being the amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angles inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary’s Baby. Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we peed our pants every time we sneezed.

When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the Mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says,"Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hear-me-roar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)." warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch both the fucking doctor and your husband square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18^th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask, WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men? When men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life’s cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks. . .

So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood” would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby.

Women are the “Weaker Sex?” Yeah right.

Bite me.

Thanks for the email mum!

Where Have I Heard this Before?

2006-03-01T10:44:00.000-05:00

Limelette #2 has joined the drama club. Auditions were held for Fiddler on the Roof. In preparation, the Limelette had to memorize a passage from Shakespeare, prepare a song to sing, and give a cold reading from the script. There was much rehearsing that went on. She sang all over the house, anyone with a free moment was asked to listen to her delivery of Shakespeare. She had us rent the movie so she could study it.

Auditions came and went. The director told her to expect to receive one of the 4 daughters as a role. She was on cloud nine. I picked her up excited to hear what part she had been assigned. She ran to the car in tears because she got 'Yenta,' the old lady matchmaker who doesn't get to sing.

I gave her a pep talk and told her to speak calmly to the director the next day about the difference between what was said and what was done. In between sobs, the angry Limelette shot back, 'Pardon my French, but the director wouldn't know talent if it jumped up and bit her in the ass!'

I'm thinking we may need to watch less American Idol. (Even though on the inside I was laughing like crazy. Bad Mommy!)

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

2006-02-28T10:08:00.000-05:00

Vocabulary Building

2006-02-26T20:07:00.000-05:00

This weekend, since there was much sickness in the house, we watched a lot of movies. During one movie scene a particular character referred to another one as a 'pecker.' The entire family, save Limelet #3 giggled. Not wanting to miss any of the humor, my 10 year old son asked what was so funny.

I informed him that 'pecker' was slang for penis. He laughed, then paused and came back with, "So, that really makes 'woodpecker' a funny name for a bird."

I replied, "Yep, and even moreso when you consider that 'wood' is slang for an erection." He doubled over laughing. Mr. Lime became disgusted with the entire conversation and told me I was being inappropriate.

Gees, I didn't even get to cover the alternate meanings for 'bird.' I guess he'll have to learn that on the schoolbus.

I Seem To Be

2006-02-25T11:18:00.000-05:00

A Little Bit Odd

You may make the odd crazy decision in life, but on the whole you live by the sandard rules that society gives us. You are pretty much like most people. How boring.

How insane are you?

If it's TGIF why does it feel like a Monday?

2006-02-24T07:44:00.000-05:00

There is not drop of milk in the house for cereal. There is only half a swallow of orange juice (and I feel about OJ the way most people feel about coffee, can't start the day without it). Mr. Lime is home sick. Limelet #3 slumped over the breakfast table bemoaning the torture that is school. Limelette #1 ran out the door with wet hair and shoelaces trailing behind her so she'd not miss her bus. Limelette #2 SLAMMED the door behind her, furious that I would make her take the bus. I have a boatlaod of schoolwork to do and need to go grocery shopping. I slept on the couch for two nights so Mr. Lime could sleep better but after that and 3 days of schlepping 2500 books around I am feeling like a pretzel. Blech........

Ok, rant done. We now return you to your regularly scheduled humor blog.

Here's a more positive perspective explained by my son when he was about 3.

Limelet #3 was very emphatic about being independant from a young age. He wanted to learn to do things on his own with no assistance. One day he was struggling to get his coat on. One arm was in a sleeve and he was flailing wildly and spinning like a dog chasing his tail trying to find the second sleeve. Knowing he preferred flying solo but seeing his difficulty, I asked gently, 'Do you want any help with that, buddy?' He continued flailing and spinning, 'Oof.....ugh......errk...mmpphh...No, but I'm glad I'm not an octopus.'

I can't argue with logic like that. So, in spite of the above rant, 'I'm glad I'm not an octopus' will be my mantra today. Dang, I am thinking I may have posted that anecdote before. Oh well, you all will survive even if I did.

Happy weekend all.

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

2006-02-21T11:30:00.000-05:00

"I childproofed the house... but they keep getting back in!"

"Support wildlife -- raise twins!"

"Mommy needs some alone time."

And, because I have a question:

"Who are these kids and why do they keep calling me mom?"

Snarky 101

2006-02-20T08:37:00.000-05:00

Limelette #1 has registered for next year's classes. Among them she chose an elective: Public speaking, Rhetoric, and Debate.

Last year she encountered formal debating procedures for the first time in her English class. She was not excited about the opportunity at first but she dutifully prepared her arguments. The day of the debate came and when she returned home in the afternoon she exclaimed, "Wow! Turns out I am good at this debating thing! I slaughtered the other side. I said my bit, they said their bit, I ripped their bit to shreds, they stood there shuffling papers not knowing how to respond. I like this!" I arched a single eyebrow and asked at what point she expected me to be shocked by any of this.

At this point I feel it is only fair to warn next year's teacher.

To the Hapless Soul Teaching Debate,

Please be advised it is in your best interest to concede defeat now. Simply mark an A for Limelette in your gradebook. This is the child who came out of the chute 40 years old. Her first word was not 'Mama' or 'Dada.' It was an emphatic 'No!' Her favorite question is 'Why should I?' If she is not 100% convinced of the logic of any request you will have more success trying to tear down the Great Wall of China a brick at a time than ever getting her to budge in her resolve to ignore your request. You will not have any difficulty getting her to speak her mind. The difficulty will be in getting her to cease.

Please make sure her opponents are of strong constitution as she has been known to reduce grown men to tears. She is no respecter of persons and will hammer away relentlessly at inanity in any form until the source of such nonsense is sitting in a corner, rocking back and forth, begging for mercy. You have been warned.

Best of luck,
Mother Lime

The Limelette Doesn't Fall Far...

2006-02-17T13:32:00.000-05:00

It has been suggested that my snarky Limlette#1 bears some similarity to a particular progenitor. I recoil in shock, "Moi????" Well, ok, maybe a little. Here's a story I offer up. You be the judge.

It is the first day of kindergarten for Lime. She excitedly climbs aboard the big yellow schoolbus and settles in between her two best buddies, who are old hat at this 'school thing.' They chatter away during the whole ride. Finally, they arrive at school. Sweet Little Lime scampers out of the bus expectantly and follows everyone into the school. The kindergartners are directed to their respective classes.

Sweet Little Lime meets Mrs. Moyer, her teacher, and is amazed by the beehive hairdo that could rival Marge Simpson's. The teacher's dress is also quite impressive with its swirls of psychedelic colors. Sweet Little Lime is stunned into silence. She enters her classroom finds where she is to deposit her things and sets about to exploring the room. She is only 4 but she can already read independantly and finds the selection of story books available appallingly inane. She hopes the teacher has the 'good books' in safe keeping somewhere else.

Mrs. Moyer announces it is time to sit down because the principal will be coming to meet us all and welcome us. This sounds mildly interesting. Sweet Little Lime takes her seat and watches a short, bald guy with a baggy suit enter the room. In the whiniest, most nasal voice Lime has ever heard, the principal welcomes the kindergarteners, 'Good morning, kindergarten, welcome to school. Blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah....... (on and on and on and on for what seems like an eternity. even the teacher is shuffling her feet and looking around the room, not very interested. Many classmates have begun to whisper and chatter among themselves.) Blahblahblahblahblahblah......And one of the things we will learn in kindergarten is when it is time to be quiet, because some of us here have big mouths and need to learn when to quiet them.'

Sweet Little Lime recognizes this as the time when her astute observational skills coupled with her good verbal expression may be most appreciated. She raises her hand like a good little Lime and waits to be called on before she announces proudly, 'And we know who has the BIGGEST mouth of all!'

And thus ends the story of how Sweet Little Lime had a note home to her parents on the first day of kindergarten.

The Definition of Snarky

2006-02-15T21:17:00.000-05:00

* I typed this up last week a couple days before the blizzard hit

Snarky (adj.) Easily irritated or annoyed, irascible, given to making snide comments.
see also Limelette #1

Limelette #1 (proper noun) 15 year old daughter of Lime. Known for tormenting orthodontists, critiquing all authority, and generally fulfilling the 'Mother's curse' (I hope you have one just like you).

Today's example of snarkiness came in her commentary regarding the boneheaded decision of certain school officials to issue a two hour delay for school due to 'snow.' I use the term 'snow' lightly.

It is 5:30 am, the radio DJ has just announced the delay. I tiptoe around to turn off alarm clocks before they wake children because although the children require the auditory equivalent of a jet plane engine coupled with the sheer force of a crane to rouse them from their beds on a normal morning, on a snow day the slightest whisper wakes them. A floorboard creaks underfoot as Limelette#1's room is entered and she wakes. Mr. Lime tells her to go back to sleep because there is a delay. She gets out of bed anyway and looks out of the window and declares...

'They call that snow??!! It's not snowing! It's not even flurries! Gees, it's...I dunno...it's flaking! A flake here, a flake there. For crying out loud, I could go out there and LICK UP all the snow! What idiot called a delay??!!'

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

2006-02-14T21:34:00.000-05:00

"It's Better To Have Loved & Lost Than To Live With A Psycho The Rest Of Your Life."

"I could love somebody like you ... just NOT you."

"Love stinks ... or is that just you?"

And, a special Valentine for all:

"1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d 2 g37 l41d."

Happy Valentine's Day!!
Love ~ The Inmates

Get Ready, Here I Come

2006-02-13T09:04:00.000-05:00

Tell me what you think of this:

2006-02-10T18:35:00.000-05:00

I go to the doctor today - the head doc and she says, "Let's try some mood enhancers."

I'm all, "Ok!!"

Then she says, "But, if you develop a rash that looks like ebola, get right to the emergency room." And adds, "Immediately, because it could be life threatening."

Little voice in my head says, "Sound like fun - sign me up!!"

Note: On the flip side there is no weight gain or sexual side effects so it all kinda evens out in the end.

News Flash

2006-02-09T10:37:00.000-05:00

I am not magical.
I cannot time travel.
I do not have ESP.

I do not have the ability to undo things.
I cannot make Jessica undigest the apple you wanted to eat.
I cannot unrip the homework Julia ruined.
I had no idea you did not want the Cheerios you asked for 2 hours ago.
I can not materialize the things you want RIGHT NOW.
I can not turn your green shirt purple.
I can not turn Vanessa's size 8 dress into a size 5 this very second.

I am but a mere mortal and I have limited abilities. Now back to your regularly scheduled program.

Zen and the Art of Stomch Flu Endurance

2006-02-08T06:50:00.000-05:00

My child, gaze into the bucket as the bucket gazes into you.

My kids were all trained at an early age not to stray from the bucket until they are well. Limelette #1 has been fighting the bug all week and I am just waiting for the next one to succumb. But, I was reminded of my son's ability to maintain a sense of humor even as he prayed to the porcelain god. He was 8 and he was walking down the hall towards the bathroom with me following, bucket under his chin....step, puke, step, puke.....got to the bathroom and continued his purge into the toilet. When he was done I helped him clean up and praised his ability not to spill the hurl. He looked up at me weakly, pulled a crumpled dixie cup from his shirt pocket and deadpanned a la Garth in Wayne's World, 'If yer gonna spew, spew into this.' He beamed with pride when I split a gut laughing.

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

2006-02-07T08:46:00.000-05:00

(courtesy of Damasta)

"Here's a little hint - I don't care!"

"Have you seen my marbles?"

"School prepares you for the real world but I want the fake world."

And, for Lily who is taking care of sick people this week:

"You don't scare me... I'm a NURSE!"

Big Friggin Whoop-de-doo!

2006-02-06T18:55:00.000-05:00

FOOTBALL as defined by Lime
Unnaturally large men in pads and spandex crashing into each other and chasing an improperly shaped ball while unnaturally buxom women with unnaturally small waists in impossibly small outfits jump up and down in excitement over the aforementioned men and their balls.

SUPERBOWL as defined by Lime
A media event during which large corporations pay scam artist marketers obscene amounts of money to cook up lies about their products and services and then spend more than the GDP of some third world nations for 60 seconds of airtime to perpetrate such fraud on the watching public.

LIME'S RESPONSE
If I have to endure this absurd event there better be some really fine chocolate involved and all the testosterone flowing better result in some damn fine marital conjugation later on.

UPDATE
We were invited to 3 different Superbowl parties. After much discussion we mutually agreed upon one of them. Even so, about an hour before kickoff, Limelette #2 was going to need to be dropped off elsewhere. We went to the mututally agreed upon party. Mr. Lime then took the Limelette to her party a couple hours later AND FAILED TO RETURN to the mutually agreed upon party. I was stranded in a smoke filled environment, had to track him down (he had decided to go to one of the other parties we had been invited to........very naughty names for Mr. Lime are springing to mind). He had the audacity to be annoyed when I asked him to come pick me up and take me home ( I was only having an asthma attack due to the thick cloud of cigarette and cigar smoke). If he wants to make this up to me then he had better be willing to send me here and help me achieve multiple orgasms every night for a month. I will accept a proxy of my choosing in his stead should he prefer not to fulfill conjugal obligations.

Getting A Clue - 101

2006-02-03T23:07:00.000-05:00

WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT
THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, Feb. 27, 2006

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED
TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide
Presentation.
Meets! 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at
7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat
and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The
Floor --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The
Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The
Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your
Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel
Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises,
Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at
7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays,
Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're
Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

HNT Make-up

2006-02-02T12:01:00.000-05:00

After last week when Lime actually put make-up on, Lime and Snavy thought they'd show their respective make-up collections......Nekkid make-up bags, so to speak.

Snavy's make-up

Lime's make-up

In the immortal words of Porky Pig.........'That's all folks!'

Happy HNT!

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

2006-01-31T23:35:00.000-05:00

"Pretending to have a career is hard work."

"If it weren't for you, I'd be a different person. Maybe even happy."

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

And, for Lime and her taters:

"The more things change, the more they remain insane."

Spuds Gone Bad

2006-01-30T06:30:00.000-05:00

This is what happens when you combine a half a bag of potatoes that have been left to themselves in the pantry too long with one Lime that is either completely insane or has waaaaay too much time on her hands.

And if that isn't bad enough these terrible tubers started trying to harass poor Strawberry Shortcake.

Come Dancing

2006-01-27T10:08:00.000-05:00

Vanessa brought home a flyer from school announcing a "Daddy-Daughter Dance."

Here is the conversation that followed:

V - "Daddy, can we go?"

D - "Sure we can go, I'll have to take the night off though."

V - "It's going to be so fun daddy. What kind of dance should we do?"

D - "What do you mean, what kind?"

V - "You know, a dance, like at the recital."

He looks at me with a very frightened expression and asks, "Does she mean like tap dancing?"

V - "No daddy, I don't like tap, I like jazz."

Made up HNT

2006-01-26T00:01:00.000-05:00

Can I wash my face now? Make-up makes me crazy!

If you need to know why I am dying to clean my face check House of Lime

If you need to learn how to play along click here

Happy HNT!

Overheard at the Dinner Table

2006-01-24T21:55:00.000-05:00

A new marking period has started and so Limelette #1 has had some minor changes to her class schedule. One is that she now has a keyboarding class. She was informing us of the horrendous conditions under which she has to endure this unique form of cruel and unusual punishment.

I have this class with THREE other kids who have the collective IQ of a dishrag! I spent the whole period learning home row. I ALREADY KNOW HOME ROW! The teacher thinks I am a genius because I know where the ‘E’ key is! She wants to know why I am even in this class. I told her because my psycho irritant mother said I had to take it. Oh! And the teacher……Mrs. J…….the woman has a half frozen ocean up her nose and her hands are eternally covered in snot! She came over to check my keyboard and TOUCHED it with her snot covered hands. Then she asked me why I wasn’t typing anymore. I said ‘Duh! Your hands are covered in snot and now you just smeared them all over my keyboard!’ So she told me in her clogged-up, nasal whine, ‘Oh, let me get some disinfectant.’

By this time I was nearly snarfing spaghetti through my nose trying to control laughter. Mr. Lime snickered and said, ‘I need to tell my coworkers about this tomorrow. They all know about you and how acidic you are. They’ll love this’

‘What the heck does that mean??? What is acidic?’ she demanded. Mr. Lime said, “It means demeaning and rude.’

The child paused with an incredulous look on her face, shocked almost beyond words….almost. She asked with stunned innocence, ‘That was rude???’

I needed the Heimlich maneuver to remove the spaghetti from my throat after convulsing with laughter.

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

2006-01-24T07:34:00.000-05:00

"I try to take it one day at a time. But sometimes several days attack me at once."

"I'd listen to you but ignoring you is so much easier."

"If you promise to stop talking, I promise to stop making funny faces."

And, just because:

"I'm trying to arrange my life so that i don't have to be present."

Death to the Duckie!

2006-01-23T18:11:00.000-05:00

Poor Guy

2006-01-19T09:49:00.000-05:00

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly...make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

Adventures in Orthodontia #3: Do these braces make my gums look fat?

2006-01-18T07:38:00.000-05:00

It was time for yet another visit to Dr. Excitement. Each time we go, there are bands on the braces that are changed and Limelette gets to choose the color. She picks something different every time.

Before Dr. Excitement removed the old bands he poked around inside Limelette's mouth. He strethced and pulled her lips and prodded at her gums the intoned in that Ben Stein voice we have all come to love, 'Gees, Her gums are really swollen. Look how fat they are. Come here......Look, fat gums! I dunno what we are gonna do about this.'

Once he pulled his fingers out of Limelette's mouth she snarled, 'Great, it's not bad enough I have to worry about a fat butt, now you tell me I have fat gums! This is stupid.'

Dr. Excitement rolled his eyes and asked which color bands Limelette wanted. She growled, 'Black.' I said, 'nice classic color, goes with everything.' As he applied the new black bands to her braces he wondered aloud,'What is it with women and black?'

Now I should not be surprised that this late 40-ish, lives with his mother, poinsettia collecting, bug-eyed glasses wearing, bowl haircut sporting, snappy thrift shop apparelled fellow had a few questions about the female psyche. And wanting to enlighten him I merely offered, 'Black is slimming.'

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

2006-01-17T00:15:00.000-05:00

"333 - only half evil."

"Nobody knows the trouble I've been."

"Dance Class Rules: #1. The instructor is always right.
#2. If the instructor is wrong, refer to rule #1."

And, just for me because I feel like it:

"I'm not growing older, I'm growing better!"

Boredom Cures

2006-01-16T10:44:00.000-05:00

Limelette#2 is complaining of boredom. Poor thing. Here are some of my suggestions for her.

1. Clean the bathroom. It's your chore for the day, anyway.

2. Finish the homework you never started, since it is due tomorrow.

3. Clean your room, since I haven't seen the floor in more time than I can recall.

4. Read some of the books you got for Christmas.

5. Listen to the iPod you got for Christmas (I am so envious! If you don't enjoy it I will be glad to relieve you of it! It would entertain me as long as the battery lasted.)

6. Bathe. You are getting a bit ripe even though you are only collecting dust since you have perfected thet whole 'adolescent flop' position.

7. Paint the living room. I've been wanting this done for 2 years.

8. Chop wood. We are having a cold snap. The woodstove and fireplace need filling.

9. Practice catching flies with chopsticks.

10. Learn Swahili.

11. Practice your oboe. You know, that $1500 instrument that requires $10 reeds every other week.

12. Whine about the unfairness of life. It's so much more fun than finding a productive thing to do.

Oddly, she wasn't interested in any of my suggestions.

2006-01-13T10:31:00.000-05:00

A Little Help Here

2006-01-11T13:30:00.000-05:00

I'm sick.

All three girls are home sick for the second day in a row.

And, Mr. Snavy just came home sick from work.

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

2006-01-10T10:25:00.000-05:00

"Change is good. You go first."

"I wandered off from the tour."

"We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?"

And for Logo and Ariella:

"You're not the boss of me. My dog is."

What Kind of Mother..........

2006-01-09T06:34:00.000-05:00

I am so blessed to have a teenager and an almost teenager. They keep me on the straight and narrow. I mean they might not survive to adulthood if I didn't have them to tell me how to be a mother. Here are some of the practices I've engaged in which have jeopardized their very existence.

What kind of mother........

1. Doesn't carry any tissues, aspirin, a spare $50 for her child's spur-of-the-moment entertainment desires, in her purse?

2. Doesn't even carry a purse in order to carry the aforementioned items? I mean really! What IS wrong with you, Mom?

3. Slams on the brakes to bring the car to a screeching halt causing near whiplash in her precious children? Did this child fail to mention that WW3 had broken out behind me as I drove?

4. Threatens to make her childen walk the rest of the way to a game/practice/social event if they don't come up with a truce in the backseat of the car?

5. Takes the child's bedroom door of its hinges because if she hears the door slammed one more time she will instead chop the door into splinters? Mom, this is a serious violation of privacy! How dare you!!

6. Fails to keep the house in perfect tidy order even though 4 people walk behind her and undo everything she does? Gees, Mom, this place is a wreck! What did you do all day?

7. Expects a child to actually ride on the school bus? You should be driving each of us, every day!

8. Expects the family to eat leftovers? Are we gonna get sick on this stuff? How long has it been in the fridge? Mom, don't you know people can die of food poisoning?

Like I said, I am glad the kids told me all this. Just imagine the chances I have been taking.

Adventures in Orthodontia #2: Dr. Excitement Strikes Back

2006-01-06T10:11:00.000-05:00

This is the day the braces are finally put on. Dr. Excitement (complete with bowl haircut, thrift shop clothes, huge insect glasses and Ben-Stein-is-my-wildman-hero voice) ushered us into the torture chamber....um...room with the dental chair and orthodontic implements. Here is how it went.

Limelette: Is this gonna take long?

Dr. E:(inserting gloved fingers in Limelette's mouth that Limelette says makes her want to vomit every time) Why? Where do you have to be?

L: (rolls eyes and considers biting, talking around fingers) Nowhere, I just wanna know.

Dr. E.: (standing up and turning to get gunk to take a mold of Limelette's teeth, sighing heavily) Sit down and relax. This will be fun.

L: Laughs heartily at his suggestion.

Dr. E.: So.....uh.....Mrs. Lime......you....uh.....think we're in for more terrorism?

L: (Gets a 'WTF did he just say?' look on her face then tries to stifle laughter.)

Me: (burying my face in an ancient copy of 'Reader's Digest' to hide my own shock and amusement at this query, also stifling giggles) Well, um, yes. I suppose I'd be surprised if we'd seen the last of it.

Dr. E.: (his already depressed monotone takes on an even bleaker tone and he sighs even more heavily) Right........I figure next time they'll hit NYC with nukes...siiiiiiiiiigh...Then we'll get all the refugees fleeing out here...siiiiiiiiiiiigh...They'll poison us with their own radiation problems and we'll all die slow...painful deaths.

(Limelette is reclining in the chair with a clear plastic set of mouth spreader thingies contorting her face into a grotesque distended grimace that allows for zero ability to make any discernable verbalizations...remind me to ask if I can order one of these things, they are funny to look at and it might come in handy when I need her to be quiet!...His back is turned and after Dr. Excitement's last pronouncement Limelette is now convulsing as she tries to stifle guffaws. I can barely contain myself watching her and listening to him. Tears are falling down my cheeks at the absudity of it all. Limelette makes threatening hand motions to me every time I look at her.)

Dr. E: (turns around to sit down and begin working on Limelette, he brightens just a bit and sighs again) Personally.....I'd rather have the damn thing land right on my head.

Me:(stifling) Well, that would prevent a lot of needless suffering.

Non-ransom Note

2006-01-06T07:03:00.000-05:00

Mr. Lime found this note earlier.

Excuse Me ...

2006-01-05T13:54:00.000-05:00

Dear Mr. Snavy,

The kids are at my moms.
I've decided to take a little "vacation." First, I will be heading to pick up Ms. Lime in the stretch Hummer I rented with your credit card. From there I will be making my way cross counrty to get Lily, Breazy, Blither, Damasta, Susie and Logo - if anyone else wants to tag along, there is room. We will then head somewhere very warm and sunny. No worries - you will buy me something nice in Mexico!

S'later
XOXO

Adventures in Orthodontia Part 2: Dr. Excitement Strikes Back

2006-01-04T10:08:00.000-05:00

The day has come for braces to be applied to teeth. Dr. Excitement (complete with upside-down bowl haircut, insect eye glasses, thrift shop wardrobe, slumping posture, and Ben-Stein-is my-wildman-hero voice) greets us and ushers us into the torture chamb…..er…..exam room. Limelette sits in the chair and Dr. E. turns to prepare goo to get a mold of Limelette's teeth. Here is how the conversation went during the procedure.

Dr. E: Glad this heat finally broke.

Me: Yes, it's been a bit brutal.

Dr. E:(pressing the mold onto Limelette's teeth) What do you think? Been hot enough for ya?

Limelette:(nodding and rolling eyes) Mmmm-hhmm.

Dr. E:(turns to rinse the mold he has extricated from Limelette's mouth) So……….uh…….Mrs. L., do you, uh, think we may be in for some more terrorism?

Me:(looking at Limelette who has a 'wtf??' look on her face and pondering the unusual query myself) Well, I suppose I'd be surprised if nothing more occurred.

(Dr. E. turns around and inserts into Limelette's mouth some sort of huge clear plastic apparatus that pulls her lips away from her teeth and gums thus contorting her face in some bizarrely wide grimace. I am thinking I might need to invest in one of these because they are damn funny to look at AND they can silence the Limelette who is now trying to stick her tongue out at me as I snicker at the sight. This makes me laugh harder. Our laughter is interrupted by a very heavy sigh from Dr. E. who then gets up and turns his back again.)

Dr. E: Yes, next time……..siiiigh….I suppose they will use nuclear weapons.

(I bury my face in my magazine trying to hide the giggles as I convulse silently. Limelette throws up her hands to punctuate her exaggerated, though contorted, 'wtf??' expression.)

Dr. E: siiiigggh….Then we'll get the refugees from NYC out here………siiiiiiiiiiigh……They'll poison us with their own radiation problems…………siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh……………I'd sooner have the damn thing land right on my head than die the slow, painful death we'll all suffer.

Me:(desperately trying to stifle guffaws as Limelette waves menacingly at me) Well, it would certainly prevent a lot of needless suffering that way.

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

2006-01-03T08:50:00.000-05:00

"I'm lost but I'm making good time."

"I'm not bossy, I just know what you should be doing."

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."

And for my hubby who somehow got a snowday from work:

"If you're happy and you know it - GO AWAY!"

Back to School

2006-01-02T09:38:00.000-05:00

After a week and a half of going to bed late, waking up late and pretty much getting to laze around in between it all I expect this is what my job will be like tomorrow when I have to wrangle the Limelets back to school.......

2005-12-30T18:30:00.000-05:00

Here's to another year of complete
and total insanity!!

Happy New Year!!

From The Files Of: You Little ....

2005-12-28T08:31:00.000-05:00

Jessica, my youngest, has inherited smart ass wit and flawless delivery from both her father and I.

I learned this for sure about a week before Christmas. She was being very, very fresh and bratty.

So, as a parent and because people said it to me as a child, I told her, "If you don't stop being such a little brat, you are going to get coal for Christmas."

She looked up at me and without missing a beat replied, "Good, I like rocks."

Note: She is 4 1/2 and a twin - I am officially scared now.

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

2005-12-27T12:43:00.000-05:00

"Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected?"

"Yet, despite the look on my face, you are still talking."

"DANGER: mouth operates faster than brain."

And, for Damasta's birthday:

"Growing OLD is mandatory; growing UP is optional!"

2005-12-24T08:37:00.000-05:00

Hoping everybody enjoys the holidays!!

Merry Christmas!!

How to Pack a Stocking

2005-12-23T02:10:00.000-05:00

I have been married for 17 years. For the last 17 years I've gotten to hear every single Christmas about how to correctly stuff a stocking. My mother-in-law swears up, down, and sideways there is only one right way to pack a stocking and I do NOT adhere to her standard. According to her, a stocking should be filled with socks, underwear, school supplies and toiletries. Each individual item, even a single pencil, should be wrapped before being stuffed (I am thinking she oughta be wrapped and stuffed, but I digress).

I, on the other hand, put an orange in the toe, an apple in the heel, then nuts on top, then candy, then whatever room is left gets fun little toys, or puzzles, or gadgets. Every year I hear about the inherent wrongness of my method and the superiority of hers. Sorry, I gotta do the fruit, nuts and candy thing. But over the years I have packed hers with toiletries, office supplies, etc, in an attempt to shut her u....um...keep her happy. But every year I hear about my great moral failing as a stocking stuffer.

Finally, I decided to skip the fruit and nuts and candy for her stocking. I got her a nice little 'Burt's Bees' toiletry pack, a set of pens and the mechanical pencils she likes for her crossword puzzles, and a pair of thick slipper socks. Each item was individually wrapped. This left underwear as the sole item she required for a perfectly stuffed stocking. After retreiving all the other items, she reached way into the toe of the stocking and pulled out a final tiny wrapped gift. Her face beamed in anticipation as she seemed hopeful that through years of incessant nagging I had finally been converted. Her fingers trembled as she ripped the paper away to reveal ...........

a gigantic fruit printed thong!

HNT Gifts

2005-12-21T23:43:00.000-05:00

I am sorta confused by what Osbasso is proposing in lieu of HNT this week, maybe it is just because I am ODing on Christmas cookies. But since Snavy made me such nice brownies last week I am returning the favor and making her some cookies. Only thing is......that lil guy in the middle of the pan has some serious full-frontal, total nekkidness going on! I guess it is a good thing my cookie cutter was not anatomically correct

It seems we are to give gifts to people we either just met or would not ordinarily send a card or gift to or something like that so the other gifts I would give are:

Lecram gets whatever resources he needs to get all of his plays produced in a manner to his liking. He also gets to handpick all the actors, be they famous superstars or unknowns whose talent he is awed by.

The Blogger Who Shall Remain Nameless And Unlinked To gets a contingent of the biggest baddest bodyguards and the right to name the punishment to be meted out to the person who is making life miserable.

Seamus gets a much needed rest after his recent ordeal and the job of his dreams that allows him to follow his bliss.

Sherri gets a total spa package with makeover and new wardrobe, to combat the frumpy feelings. Then she gets a romantic getaway weekend with her hubby.

Happy HNT and Happy Holidays everyone!

Adventures in Orthodontia

2005-12-21T09:30:00.000-05:00

Limelette #1 needed braces. We shopped around to find and orthodontist who does good work at a cheap price. We found one, but he is more than a little odd.

I figure he is in his late 40's or so. He is a tall, gangly guy who carries himself like he never quite outgrew that growth spurt stage teens go through when they are all out of proportion and don't know what to do with their bodies yet. He has sort of a dutchboy, plop an upside down bowl on your head and trim around it haircut. Judging by his wardrobe, I am thinking his mothr still lays out his clothes each night. Add to this a pair of HUUUUGE glasses, on a headband, that give him the look of an insect. But he is a nice guy, who does good work, and he is reasonably cheap.

It gets better. Know who Ben Stein is? Yes, of 'Win Ben Stein's Money.' Yes, Ben Stein who portrayed the coma-inducing teacher in 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off.' That Ben Stein. This orthodontist makes the teacher version of Ben Stein look like a poster child for ADHD. He speaks in a low monotone, sighs a lot, and seems to carry the weight of the world on his slumped shoulders. Did I mention he comes highly recommended due to his competence and cheapness?

We have been seeing Dr. Excitement monthly so he can monitor Limelette's progress BEFORE he ever puts braces on. Apparently she has slow teeth. By the way, Limelette can just barely keep her comments to herself each time we go. She is in the chair, he is checking her bite. He mumbles, 'HHmm, strong bite.' Poking the Limelette in the arm and keeping the same monotone he continues, 'Who'd guess such a skinny thing would have such a strong jaw.' and chases his remark with the very slightest smile eking out the corner of his mouth to indicate he is joking. Limelette, clearly annoyed, pokes him back and says, 'Shaddup, I'm strong. I could take you!' Dr. Excitement rolls his eyes and drones, 'Oh man, it's gonna be a loooong two years with you, kiddo.'

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

2005-12-20T09:02:00.000-05:00

"It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you."

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether."

"You remind me of someone...
I didn't like them either."

And just for ME:

"You can't scare me ~ I have twins!"

Crazy but True

2005-12-19T08:38:00.000-05:00

We got married in the middle of my junior year in college........the day after fall semester finals. We wanted to have time for a honeymoon during the semester break and did not want to wait until May.

During finals week I became a raving lunatic. I know you are all shocked beyond words now. Every time I tried to study I'd think about wedding plans. Every time I'd try to check up on last minute details I'd think how I should be studying.

My darling husband-to-be came to my apartment one night and found me in a wild frenzy. He said I should put away the books and planners, make some tea, put my feet up and he'd go rent us a movie so I could unwind. He asked what I wanted. I kissed him gratefully and said a light, fluffy comedy sounded just about right.

He came back a little while later and popped a movie into the VCR. What light, fluffy comedy did he rent to distract me from stress? The Killing Fields about the Khmer Rouge led genocide in Cambodia. At the end of the movie I burst out crying hysterically. He wondered what was wrong. I asked how he thought this was supposed to make me feel less stress. He thought if I saw someone with worse problems than me I'd feel better about my own stress. In between sobs I cried, 'No! Now I only have guilt about the plight of these people on top of my own stress!'

This weekend we marked 17 years. He at least knows the definition of a light, fluffy comedy now.

2005-12-17T00:26:00.000-05:00

How to Drive a Mom Nuts in Two Easy Steps

2005-12-16T08:32:00.001-05:00

1. Have an early dismissal from school due to threatening weather even though nothing is actually happening. No snow. No sleet or freezing rain. Not even regular rain.

2. Call a snow day for the next day without even waiting to see what the morning brings. Next day it is clear a delay would be MORE than sufficient.

Yummy HNT

2005-12-15T12:00:00.000-05:00

I wanted to make something for my good friend Lime.

So, I thought about things she enjoys and came up with
books and chocolate.

Then, I made these!!!

Happy & Yummy HNT!!!!

To play along, click the button and visit Osbasso!

For more half-nekkidness, be sure to check out
House of Lime & Snav's World!!

Overheard While Decorating the Tree

2005-12-14T20:35:00.000-05:00

How can ya help but be in the Christmas spirit with comments like these?

1. Do I have to?
2. I hate trees in houses.
3. What's a pine tree got to do with Baby Jesus?
4. This is stupid.
5. Are we done yet?
6. Why on earth would you hang this ugly thing I made in 2nd grade?
7. That's MY ornament! Gimme it!
8. Who gets to hide the pickle? (ok, it's not as suggestive as you think.....Pennsylvania Germans hide a pickle ornament on the tree)
9. Do you want a tin icicle shoved up your nose?
10. We need more balls.

As Seen On A T-Shirt Tuesday

2005-12-13T07:00:00.000-05:00

"Catholic School girl gone bad!"

"I never get lost. People always tell me where to go."

"I have multiple personalities and none of them like you."

And for our hubby's:

"Don't make me poison your dinner."

What He Says/What He Means-Husband Edition

2005-12-12T10:00:00.000-05:00

1. Please don't get me anything for Christmas. I really don't want to get you anything because I don't have the slightest idea what to get you and I can't be bothered to figure it out and I will feel guilty if you get me something when I have no intention of putting any effort into finding even a small token of affection for you.

2. Christmas is for the childen. See above.

3. Why are you sending cards to people? So, I see the greeting card companies are gonna make a buck off you this year. You've fallen into their trap. And stamps! For crying out loud, how much is this gonna run me in postage alone??

4. Are you baking this year? This is the one part of the holiday I like. Make me cookies so I can gorge myself. Don't you dare give even one of my favorite type of cookies away.

5. Are we decorating? I can't tell you how much I hate going to any of this bother. Do I really have to set up a tree?

6. Tree is up. I did my one duty, do not attmept to involve me in the hanging of any decorations on said tree. Do not ask me if I have any opinions on anything related to the tree in anyway. Just decorate it and leave me alone.

A Seasonal Tune

2005-12-09T09:44:00.000-05:00

Limelet #3 shared this little gem with me.

To the tune of 'Jingle Bells'

verse
Dashing through the snow
On a pair of broken skis
Oer the fields we go
Crashing into trees

The snow is turning red
I think I'm almost dead
Because now I'm in the hospital
With stitches in my head

chorus
O, Santa Claus, Santa Claus
Why are you so fat?
I was sitting peacefully
Now my house is flat

Santa Claus, Santa Claus
How much do you weigh?
You should go on Slim Fast
How do you fit in your sleigh

verse
Crashing through the snow
On a rusted broken sleigh
Flying off of cliffs
Going the wrong way

Running in to rocks
Ramming other kids
Screaming for my mother
As down the hill I slid

repeat chorus